Kenzi -- My Crying Pal

It is interesting to watch each of the kids as they deal with our "new reality" and their very inactive, limping mom. Kenzi of course, is being sweet and sensitive little Kenzi.

Every night Dave has to give me a shot in my stomach -- and well... I'll admit that I have shed a tear or two.  Kenzi always leaves the room and won't come back in for a few minutes.  She came in last night after the shot with tears in her eyes and told me how sad it makes her to see me cry.  My heart aches for her that she has to watch this.

I know that this time in our lives will have bittersweet memories for all of us.  I remember going to Dr. appointments, chemos and some really bad treatments when my mom had cancer.  At one horrible treatment called the "rock and roll" it was all I could to not completely lose it in front of her.  I remember feeling so sad when she was in so much pain.  But I wouldn't trade any of it.  I wouldn't trade spending that time with her, hurting with her and hopefully helping to ease a little of what she was feeling.   Kenzi and I talked a little about this and how it has to be even harder for her to be 12... I was an adult when I did all of that.

At breakfast this morning Makenzie in her sweet way asked me if I was sad I am going to lose my hair.  We talked about even though it is just hair, all girls want to feel beautiful and feel good about themselves and unfortunately looking at myself in the mirror is a part of how I feel about myself -- so I guess the short answer is yes.  But I told her I'd rather lose my hair than my life and if losing my hair will help save my life bring it on.  I looked over at her and tears were running down her cheeks... mine too.

I wish I could say this will be the past few weeks will be the last times we will cry together, but I'm afraid it will be the first of many. Kenzi is already such a sweet and compassionate little thing, and I believe in the long run it will just refine that gift she has.

Love this picture of her with this super gross snake around her neck.

On the flight to San Juan and the Christmas crurise baby... wow I look pretty good there huh and that was before I came home tan!  Weird to think my ovaries were full of cancer that whole time and  I had no idea.  So glad we went on that cruise though.

A Kenzi favorite... such a random funny picture.  Kenzi when she was in Power in His Touch and a picture of she and Danny who played the Savior.  She was so little then.

And I had to include a Kenzi head shot.  Most of my phone and 1/2 of my camera are filled with Kenzi head shots.  She is a darling girl, but man can she do some scary looking photos of herself!

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Things I Can Do Today... that I couldn't do 3 weeks ago.

Tuesday afternoon and I'm sitting here eating chocolate Nelson's Frozen Custard with banana slices (mmmmm... thanks Debbie) and feeling pretty good.  The kids are all off with friends being kids and I realized it is 3 weeks ago when I had surgery.  (In fact probably about the exact time they wheeled me out of the O.R.)


I keep feeling like I should have been back to my routine by now -- driving -- exercising -- cooking -- not being a burden on everyone.  They told me 4-6 weeks until I would start being able to do this stuff again, but I assumed I was healthy and young (ish) and I could do it in two or three max.  In order to not be hard on myself I started thinking of all of the progress I really have made.


1.  I can sit up by myself.  And from any positions.  For the first 2 weeks I could only sit up following the way my PT taught me.  You never know how much your core abdominal muscles do for you until you have none.
2.  I can roll over in bed.  And this is amazing!!  And it just happened last night.  I can move any way I want in bed, by myself.  Last week one night I woke up and couldn't get back in bed so I finally flopped myself horizontally on the bed and Dave found me the next morning with my feet hanging off the side.
3.  I can lay on my sides and stomach (for a second).  Oh my back is loving this one!!!!
4.  I can breath without oxygen.
5.  I can go to the bathroom.  Catheters have their place in life, but so glad that is over. 
6.  I don't have a gross tube pumping all kinds of colored "stuff" out of my stomach, through my throat and out my nose.
7.  I don't have a JP drain -- yeah!!!!!  Super gross watching that get pulled out, but fabulous nonetheless.
8.  I don't have any IVs.  I drink on my own, I eat on my own!
9.  I don't have an epidural and I can feel my nerves regenerating.  I touched my stomach and felt a tingly down my spine.  I hadn't even realized my stomach was numb.
10.  I can walk on my own -- I don't need a walker and I can almost stand up straight today.  (And today is really the only day that is the case.)
12.  I only need very few pain meds -- ibuprofen and Tylenol will do it.  I don't have to hallucenate about spiders or markers or any other weird things. 
13.  I can shower!  And I can shower without sitting in a shower chair!  (Although since they won't let me take a bath I do sometimes just sit in the chair during the shower to pretend I'm in the bath).  I took one shower in the hospital and it took everything out of me.  For the first two weeks my favorite daily activity was to sit in the shower chair Becksteads loaned me and just let the water run until the 50 gallon tank was empty.  Kenzi would usually line up everything next to the chair so I could reach it.  But today I dropped my razor and bent down to get it!  By myself!!!
14.  I only woke up 2x last night.  The first night in the hospital they had to take my vitals every hour... so this is a big improvement.
15.  I get to watch the kids go off to school and be here when they come home.  I know Dave is so happy for  that because it means he isn't driving out to the hospital two times a day -- once to hang out with me and once to bring the kids out at night. 
16.  And I can't forget my body is regenerating.  I feel like my colon that was removed is now healing and my bowels are back to normal.  I feel like everything is finding its place in my new "uterine-less" body.


I'm sure there are tons of other things that have improved -- but just these feel so good!

Hesitate putting this in -- but it is a good reminder of how miserable I felt and apparently looked -- didn't see a mirror for about 6 days I was kind of shocked when I finally saw myself.  My brother took this I think the Thursday after surgery.  My two hospital walking partners -- Andy the best PT and the modesty patrol Lolo.

And me three weeks later with my two photo happy friends Wendy and Becca ( a long standing tradition with us) and two or our cute girlies.  Although I look in the mirror and look not so lovely, they assured me I have made significant improvements since the hospital days. 

Essay... What I will Be Doing for the Next 6 Months of My Life

Dave and I met with my chemo Dr. yesterday -- Xylia Gregg.  Super nice, very focused and not anything that I had imagined.  (I was sure she was from India...and she is a cute blonde from Texas.)


We outlined the next 6 months of my life, and I'm not gonna lie... I did shed a tear or two when it came time to sit down with the nice appointment scheduling girl and I found out my 1st chemo is at 8:00 am so I can't be here to get my kids off to school.  I just was so hoping we could keep everything between the hours of 9 and 3 so my kids weren't affected... sounds really stupid but a lot of what I feel right now if pretty lame honestly.   And chances are I'll be on a sick week during Cam's baptism so we will need to reschedule that as well.


And I kind of lost in when I got home and started calendaring everything.  A minimum of 30 Dr. appointments between now and July when if all goes well I'm done with chemo.  (Thank heavens for health insurance this year and yeah for this happening early in the year so it all falls in one insurance year and I don't have to meet the deductible 2x... pretty sad when our insurance plans dictate the best time of the year to get sick!)

Plans:

If all goes well I'll start Chemo on March 19th.  I will go on 3 week cycles for 6 cycles.

Week 1:   Monday chemo through my IP (abdominal port), Tuesday venous chemo through my new chest/shoulder port I'm getting to avoid killing off my poor veins. 

Week 2:  Tuesday through my IP port.

Week 3:  Blood tests, start to feel normal and hopefully be high enough blood count to start again on Monday.

She said it is very aggressive and their hopes are I can handle 6 rounds of this... if the side effects get too bad then they will switch to venous only chemo.  She said not all bodies can tolerate all 6 -- it just really depends on how my body reacts to it and hopefully things I can do to help. 

Side effects.... fairly immediate loss of hair (1-3 weeks after 1st chemo), bloating... the IP stuff goes right into by abdominal cavity and stomach just has to absorb it, some women get pretty severe stomach pain, nausea (they said they usually can control pretty well through meds), numbness//tingling in legs/hands (which is their biggest long-term concern because it can be permanent so they really have to watch it and adjust chemo dosing if that is becoming an issue), extreme fatigue, lowered immune system so Hess kids are not allowed to get sick until next fall.  Constipation or diarrhea and change in taste/mouth issues are also side effects.

Things I can do... have great support (which I do), drink a lot, keep hydrated, exercise at least a few times each week (the exercise helps with both the nausea and fatigue if I can get my body out of bed to do it) and eat a good diet.  Dave and I go go chemo classes next Wednesday to find out more. 

Good Things:  She said my age and health are definitely playing in our favor in being able to get through all 6 chemos.  Obese women and older women have a harder time with the IP chemos.

Unknowns:  They are still concerned about my liver.  My CT scan showed something on my liver before surgery, but the radiologist couldn't be positive if it is cyst, a water/blood pocket, or cancer.  The surgeon could not tell anything definitive in surgery.  So the chemo Dr. is having me do an MRI this Monday to zero in on the liver and hopefully definitively rule out it spreading to the liver.  If it has... well a whole new ball game.  They will change the staging of the cancer to Stage 4 and do a different type of chemo.  (And will probably take out my IP port which will really make me mad because that has hurt probably worse than anything since the surgery).  Both oncologists have said it is more likely not cancer than it is cancer, but they can't be certain.  So far my surgeon/oncologist has been 100 percent on everything she has thought so I just pray that her inclination is correct and they get to go on as planned.  Trying my hardest not to focus on this until next week.  There is nothing I do to but pray and worrying is only going to give me a headache. 

So... until we know for sure early next week this is the plan.

I have 6 Dr./labs scheduled between now and March 19th so unfortunately the reality of the cancer part of this is sinking in. 

One of my darling kids is especially is a little freaked out about the hair loss thing.  She so wants me to get a wig and "not look like a sick cancer patient."  Dave (who of course is all about the hats/scarf look) tried to explain that it is very "sheek" to not do the wig thing..   Bless her little heart, she even told me a few people who she thinks has cute hair and says she wishes I could just get a wig and look like one of them.  I know this is a lot to stomach for someone who already wished her mom would pay for her laser hair removal so she never has to shave again and that I would want to 

Lauren and the kids have planned a "hair dying" and "funky cutting" party if i do start to lose my hair.  She asked if I do start to lose it, before I shave my head if I would let Bethany come up and dye it some funky color for a day and if she and the other kids could each help cut it and do something super freeky!  (Kind of like what we did to our carpet the night before they came up and pulled it up a few years ago.)  I did agree to that as long as the Dr. gives me an ok to use chemical on my head... not sure with all of the chemo stuff I want anything else on my head so we may just stick with the funky hair cut part.

So unless we hear differently after the MRI (and I am so praying we don't) I could write my fall essay of "What I did this summer" now.

4 Horribly Rotten Words

I Have Ovarian Cancer
I Have Ovarian Cancer
I HAVE Ovarian Cancer
I Have OVARIAN Cancer
I Have Ovarian CANCER
I HAVE OVARIAN CANCER!!#@(*@#%*(!#(*!@#(*!@#

As I am starting this really try to process this, I'm trying to decide the best way to emphasize this in my mind and how I can say it so it doesn't sound so bad.  Except for the word "Cancer," individually they aren't bad words.  For example, Ovaries aren't supposed to be bad things.  If it weren't for mine I would have my perfect little Cameron.  


But no matter where I place the emphasis, when I really think about it makes me nauseated.  I used to think someday I would say "I Have Breast Cancer" and given the detection and survival rates I think I thought I could deal with, beat and prove to breast cancer it wasn't going to take both my mom and me.


But Ovarian Cancer?  Really?


Have you seen the stats?  If you haven't don't look... they aren't impressive.  Dave and my Bishop have already chided me for "being on the internet alone at night."  For some reason when I couldn't sleep at the hospital that is what I would research... I know stupid.


But now that I am home, it is light and I look at the websites I don't feel any better.  So I promise, this morning was my last time I look at that portion of the Ovarian Cancer information.


I need to focus on the fact that I had the most capable surgeon remove everything from me and that Heavenly Father led me to her.  I am a candidate for IP chemo and that increases my chances significantly.  Other than I have cancer, I am a healthy person.  Except for overeating, I've never broken the word of wisdom, I've exercised almost every day since I was 10 and I have a wonderful support system.  I honestly believe I am going to be blessed because of that.


I want to be a little scared because I know the chemo is not going to be easy and I need a reason be willing to kill off my body. 


I just know ultimately whatever happens it is in the hands of Heavenly Father.  The reality is that every day of my life I should have been saying the same thing.  I've just been "living the dream" and not worrying about things like this.  


I remember talking to Dave a few years ago asking him why he wasn't stressed about something that I thought he should be stressing about.  I don't remember exactly how he said it but basically he said that at any moment any horribly tragic thing could happen.  There was no guarantee that tomorrow he would have a job, one of us wouldn't die or some other rotten thing would happen.  It is a false reality if we think we really have any control over big major events that might happen.  But why in the world we would worry about it and stress about it.  Why not concentrate on the good things and what we have in the present... not what might or might not happen.   


I asked my surgeon's PA before I checked out of the hospital to tell me honestly what she thought my chances are.  She said I could look on the internet and see all of the stats I wanted.  But even if my chances showed 10% (and they are better than that), there is no reason I should not be that 1 of 10.  All factors included I should be the one who 5 years from now can have a great celebration when I am "clean."


So I guess I will just state it like this "I Have Ovarian Cancer."  It is a fact.  There are things I can do about and it things I can't.  I'm going to try my best not to let it scare me as much any more and just start facing it as a new reality... and pray my guts out Heavenly Father will help me gracefully (and hopefully not to painfully) live this new reality.

My Handsome Angel.. I Know I'm Worse on Sleep than a Newborn

I had a friend over last week that told me she believed when we were facing serious problems there are lots of angels around to help, support and love.   I totally agree with this.


But as I'm sitting here tonight -- waking Dave up in the middle of the night again -- I'm really grateful for the angel that has taken over my life and my care!


Since we found out about this (I'll write that funny story later) he has done nothing but take care of me emotionally, let me cry, let me wake him up at 4:00 am in a panic, give me comforting priesthood blessings, drive me around, clean the house (much to the dismay of the Hess kids), bring me pain pills, run the kids all over the place, give me a nightly shot that makes me want to cry and more.  Over night he has become Dad and Mom both, and the Stephanie Hess Ovarian Cancer 24-hour hotline support director.


We were talking a couple of days before surgery and I apologized to him for what this has done to him. 


His only comment was "this isn't about me Steph, it is about you."  


A lot of people might say that, but have a hard time living it.  I know I would.  I'm really good at making everything stressful "about me."


I know this isn't what he signed up for, but one of the huge blessings I have seen at this time is the wonderful people who are showing so much love and concern and I can honestly say I don't think I would have made it through these past few weeks without him!!!


My goal is to sleep through the night one of these days, so poor Dave can sleep through the night too!

I Can Do Hard Things?

I Can Do Hard Things... this is supposed to be a statement from Youth Conference a few years back.  I even have a placque hanging above my computer that reminds me of this.  I have several favorite scriptures marked that I read when I'm discouraged.


The problem is right now it feels more like a question than a statement.


I had no idea 3 weeks ago what I would be doing today.  I had no idea the horrible "stuff" that was growing in my body.  I had no idea how lousy I could feel, how much my stomach muscles could ache, and how slow it can be to feel normal again.  (And I feel like I need to apologize to every person I know who has had surgery and health problems... if I had only known what it was really like for them.)


By nature my first instinct when faced with something hard or intimidating is to run the other direction.  Some people love the challenge, want to face trials and defeat them...not me.  I just want to pretend they aren't happening and make everything go back to normal.  Problem is -- I've decided normal is just a state of mind.  Normal is exactly what you are dealing with at that given time.  It is ok to have goals and dreams and desires, but trying to define and wish for normal doesn't do me any good right now.


My sister and Dave told me last night I don't have the option of not doing Hard Things in this case.  That whether I like it or not I am going to have to muddle through it, be patient, feel crappy, have good days and bad days.


I just wish doing Hard Things wasn't so hard!!!

Color Town is Gone... but it was fun while it lasted

Yesterday after helping Dave and the girls clean the house spotless (yes everyone should have a Dave around when you can't clean for 6 weeks) I sent Cam outside to enjoy the sunshine.

For 3 hours Livi and Cam (and Sophie on and off) created "Color Town by Cameron and Olivia" with sidewalk chalk.  (That was the big sign in the middle of the driveway.)  They drew buildings and parking lots and people and stories and traced each others body outlines and rode their bikes and ate snacks and did just everything a 5 and 7 year old should do on a warm February afternoon.  They were covered in chalk and it made me so happy.

It even inspired me to call Val and take my first walk outside... not very far but it was nice.

Yesterday could be term'd as a "teary" day for me.  For whatever reason if I talked on the phone yesterday I ended up in tears... actually ok face-to-face oddly enough.

My "life" may have taken a "head-on crash with a bus and lost" the last few weeks, but to see Cam and Livi outside living, pretending, laughing and creating was just what I needed yesterday.

The overnight snow wiped out "Color Town" but that is ok... I actually love the snow and that will just give Cam and Livi another chance to create a new world again.

Shortest - Sweetest Sacrament Meeting Ever

Last Sunday amidst the "oxy" induced sickness (oh how grateful I am that whole thing is over it make me want to barf again just thinking of those few days) I had a very sweet  moment at the hospital.


The volunteer missionaries came in to ask if they could give me the sacrament.  My cute nurse and aid asked me if I cared if they stayed and had the sacrament too... and I asked them to go find my physical therapist who had been talking with me earlier about getting the sacrament.


So the 4 of us, along with the 2 cute missionary couples had our own mini Sacrament meeting.  One sister read the words to the 1st verse of I Stand All Amazed and we all sang the chorus together.  (Well I layed there with tears dripping down my cheeks while they sang).  They then blessed and passed the sacrament to the 4 of us ... and it was over. 


It never ceases to amaze me how the spirit can just come quickly join you anywhere, anytime.  

Thank You Just Isn't Enough

I've experienced a lot of emotions during the last 2 weeks.  Panic, sadness, denial, pain, joy, hope, peace, anger, loneliness, faith and confusion.

But two emotions keep hitting me over and over again -- love and gratitude for that love.

From the moment I could tell from the look on the radiologist face that something was seriously wrong -- love and concern has been showed over and over and over again.

From the Dr's., nurses, aids, receptionists, aids -- to my sweet husband (who by the way is giving me shots each morning in the stomach... not something I think he signed up for 20+ years ago), kids, my dad, my siblings and spouses, nieces and nephews, extended family, friends, neighbors, ward members and everyone around me.

I have literally been engulfed by love -- and engulfed is probably an understatement.

Cards, flowers, treats, txts, emails, phone calls, visits, prayers, funny thoughts, meals, storage containers, books, rides for my kids, help for Dave, talking me through tears, offers for doing laundry, tips for colon cleansing, carpooling the kids, balloons, things to cheer up the house, laughter, foot rubs while dying of nausea at the hospital, a sweet nurse who held my hand while I needed to cry in the middle of the night and another nurse who high-fived Dave and I and cheered with us when my 'bowels" started working again, some family members petrified of hospitals putting that aside and sitting by my bed, taking over my errands, sleepless nights in my hospital room so I didn't have to be alone, hugs, concern for my kids... the list goes on and on and on.

I don't have time to feel sorry for myself or worry right now, because I have felt so much love from so many people.  I know Heavenly Father loves me and is watching me -- and He is doing it through all of the people around me.

It may sound morbid, but I thought it is like attending your own funeral and getting to see how much people care.  The great thing is, I get to experience that overwhelming love in person!!!

It has make me realize how much little things means to other people and how much I tend to be wrapped up in my own life and problems -- how much reaching out to those around you can mean.

I would definitely say that Weeks 1 & 2 of this experience have been well... not what I would ever have chosen to go through, but feeling the love and concern I have felt has made it a do'able for me.

8 Words to rip my heart out...

"Mom, are you going to die like Grandma?"

I love you Kenzi.

Fear vs. Anxiety

So given the events of the past 6 days, I would expect myself to be completely, totally panicked.  While I have my moments in the middle of the night, somehow I feel calm.  I am nervous, I am scared, but I am calm.  What a great blessing that is.

My formula for trying to find peace and calm:
1.  Pray
2.  Go to the Temple
3.  Hang out with my family and be overwhelmed with love from my friends.
4.  Try to laugh as much as possible.
5.  Exercise -- last day at the gym for a long time.
6.  Get rid of some gray.

How Do I Feel the Morning of Surgery?

Surprisingly good!  If I had time I think I'd go work out this morning.  (Except I'd probably pass out from dehyrdation.)

• Physically really pretty good.  That is the strange thing.  I have energy, feel good (except for feeling 4 months pregnant).  How can I potentially have really horrible stuff inside of me and still feel so good?
• Colon cleansing... really not bad at all.  I think it helps that I've not eaten much in the past week.
• I'm scared, I'm fearful, I'm worried, I'm sad -- but I don't feel any anxiety, which is very strange for me.  My only answer to that is that I know Heavenly Father is very close to me right now and is helping me feel the spirit to strengthen me and give me peace.  I've heard people say they could feel the prayers from others in their behalf and I don't think I every really understood what that meant until now.  
• Last Wednesday when I heard the Dr. concern I lost it and I've had my moments in the middle of the night when I lose it again.  But as soon as I stop, listen and feel in my heart I am calm.  
• Worried that I am not going to be able to handle the results if it isn't what I'm hoping for.  I'm afraid of how I will really react and how I will really feel.  There is a little part of me that is afraid I'm in denial and I have no idea how I'm going to feel 12 hours from now -- regardless of the outcome.

Miracles...tender mercies and the hand of the Lord in my life!

Let's just say that the past 5 days haven't been the best 5 days in my life.  But in talking with a friend tonight it hit me how blessed I've been and how I've already experienced two miracles.


Dr. Brown and Dr. Zempolich and People Who Love Me


1.  Dr. Brown:
Dr. Brown is booked out a year for regular check-ups.  I knew that if I talked to Joyce she might be able to get me in.  But Joyce was out of town last week.
Monday:   I made a call on Monday asking if it would be possible to see Dr. Brown.  Given that I wasn't having any major symptoms, I decided to just wait for Joyce to come back and see if she could work me in.
Tuesday:  At 1:20 pm I listened to a message that was left at 9:30 am saying if I could call them back in 20 minutes, they had a cancellation and would be able to see me at 2:00 pm.  I didn't get the message until 1:20pm.  They couldn't get anyone to take the appointment and after a quick drive to IMC I was in Dr. Browns office.  Her caring, competence and instincts led to a series of events that brings me to my next miracle.


2.  Dr. Zempolich
Approximately 30 hours after my initial visit with Dr. Brown -- I had an appointment set for Friday to see Dr. Zempolich.  I knew nothing about her other than Dr. Brown said she was the Dr. she wanted me to see.  I 100% completely trust Dr. Brown so I knew that was who I wanted.  Dr. Zempolich just happened to be doing surgery down the hall, Dr. Brown just happened to be able to catch her, Dr. Zempolich just happened to be free on her day off on Friday and said she'd be happy to see me and she happened to be available to do surgery at IMC on a day she doesn't go there.
What I learned tonight is my friend who researches everything and interviewed multiple Drs, tried to see Dr. Zempolich and had a 3 month window and wasn't able to see her -- she was able to see her partner (who is also fabulous) and her partner did the surgery.  She said from everything they learned I have the most capable Dr. there is out there.  


3.  Incredible Family and Friends.  I can't even begin to explain the overwhelming love I've felt in the last few days.  From Dave who keeps telling me he has big shoulders, my family, my kids, my friends and nurses.  I could write for several hours about all of the love I'm getting.  I can feel prayers, I have laughed and laughed... thank you to those who have such a great sense of humor and for everyone who has made me know the regardless of what happens I have a incredible support!


I'm still praying for the miracle of this all ending after Tuesday, but knowing I have the best of the best I couldn't ask for anything more.

...ok then can you home church me?

Why does Cam have to be like me and I'm sorry I've not been a better example.  I'm really going to work on the not worrying part of life.


Volunteering at School -- out in the hall of Cam's classroom
Michelle (Cam's friends mom):  Are you going to home school Cameron?
Me:  What?
Michelle: Yeah Cam said you are going to start home schooling him?
Me:  Laughs -- don't know what he is talking about.


Cam coming out to read with me after this discussion with Michelle
Me:  Cameron, did you tell Michelle you were going to get home schooled?
Cameron:  Yes.  If we move you are going to home school me, especially if we move in with Grandpa cause we don't have a house.
Me:  Cameron -- we aren't moving in with Grandpa and even if we did, why would I home school you?  He lives 5 minutes from Oak Hills?  If we are waiting for a new house why wouldn't I just bring you to Oak Hills each day.
Cameron:  Really!  Ok then... if we move can you home church me?
Me:  Well I don't think there is a thing called "Home Church."  Have you really been worrying about that?
Cameron:  If we move and I don't know anyone I don't want to go to Primary, I just want to be home churched?


As funny as the whole discussion was, it made me really sad.  Here I have been worrying and worrying about what is going to happen, and Cameron for the past few months has been planning his home schooling and home churching.  It was a bit of a slap in the face for me.  What am I teaching my kids about change, handling new situations, and an attitude about facing life as it comes to you. 


I always said before I got pregnant with Cameron I was worried he'd get all of my bad "psychie."  Buddy, don't be like me.  I'm really trying hard not to be like that... I guess this gives me an incentive to work harder.

Change ... Inevitable, Stress... Deal with It and Worry... Don't Waste Your Time

I'm trying to learn some lessons -- I guess I'm just a slow learner.


I've always been a very stressed, anxiety, kind of intense person.  In the last few months (ok maybe more like a year or so) I have spent so much energy and concern and worry and sleepless early mornings about our house.  


Should we sale?
Will it sale?
Which offer should we take?
Where will we go?


And... regardless of the emotions I've allowed myself to feel -- the outcome, whether it is what you thought it would be or not, is the same.  The same results would have come with or without me worrying, stressing, getting anxious.  


My goal -- realize change will happen, it isn't going to do anything to worry, use the stress productively.  The end result is going to be the end result -- don't waste my time on the negative aspect of it.  (Easier said then done, but I'm really going to try.)