Mourn with those that Mourn ...

One of the blessings of having cancer is seeing how compassionate and good and kind and loving the world and people really are. Meals and texts and tears and cards and flowers and prayers come from so many people and make really tough things possible.

Knowing that this garbage affects my kids and family as much as it does me is the hardest part.

I was reminded this morning that compassion goes such a long way.

I went to the gym to do a yoga class (first class at the rec center in almost a year).  I ran into an old friend and we started talking and told him my cancer was back. This sweet lady next to me overheard and told me how sorry she was. This of course started me off being very teary. After the yoga class was over she looked at me in tears and said how sorry she was for the burden I have to carry and what I must have been through the last year. We sat there on the floor both of us with tears in our eyes. She said she just wanted to reach over and let me know she loved me but thought I might think she was very strange.

Funny thing is I've seen her at the gym for years. I've always admired her kindness and goodness. She is darling and in great shape, but is also so nice to other people and seems so happy.  Now I know why. She is good and kind!  She truly mourns with those that mourn. I want to be more like her and was so touched by her caring and compassion. She doesn't know a thing about me or my family and yet she was exemplifies the person I should be that mourns with those that mourns and comforts those that stand in need of comfort!

Chito ... growing up and teaching me lessons!

Cameron turned 14 last week.  Where has time gone.  He is handsome and smart and kind and sensitive and rubs my feet when I've had chemo, and loves sports and music and Hamilton and fortnite and making cookies and hanging out with friends and hammocking and Harry Potter and playing games.

But I love that he teaches me.

I've been desperately trying to get Cameron Hamilton tickets for his birthday.  He and Kenzi would love to go. I wasn't able to get them when they tickets first came out and now they are overpriced.

On his birthday I told him I wasn't able to get tickets and I was sorry.  His response "Mom why are you focusing on the things we don't have and not the things we do have?"  How did he get so wise.

A couple of months ago Kenzi found out she didn't get the leadership scholarship she wanted at USU.  I was so sad and mad.  She would have been perfect!  And I didn't want her to be sad!  She worked so hard.  And was a finalist among 600+.  Cameron's comment when I was feeeling mad and sad.  Looking at the glass in front of him "Mom is the glass half empty or is it half full?"

I really do appreciate what he teaches me and how he keeps me focused on what matters.  In some ways you are 14 and some ways you are wise beyond your years.

Love you.

3 down and 3 to go -- and I loved Conference

Wednesday I did my 3rd chemo -- hoping it is the 3rd of 6.  My CA 125 dropped a bit again (I wish a little faster), chemo was fun chatting with Katie, and my alien Nuelasta

shot that about killed me off last month went off without a hitch. 

I just did acupuncture and am now sitting her getting some IV fluids for hydration.  I'm trying anything and everything I can to avoid some of the fatigue and misery from the last chemo.  I'm hoping the acupuncture can help with nueropathy and bloating as well.

It's strange because the day after chemo I get so sad.  I could cry at anything and everything and nothing, and I feel really lonely.  I guess not feeling great does that to you, but I am surprised at how quickly it comes on.  I don't think it helps that my kids are growing up.  I like noise, I like distractions and I like chaos.  My life doesn't have enough of that anymore.  And with not feeling good and fatigue I don't want to be doing so much out and about and socializing -- and that is hard on me emotionally.  I feel like I've got to figure out who I am and what I need to be doing in the fall when this whole thing is over  I loved when the kids were a little younger and life evolved around our family.  With college and schedules and life and teens and boyfriends and jobs that isn't a lot anymore.

But ... onto Conference.  I wish every weekend could be conference.  Spending 3 day at the cabin in sweats and family and yummy food.  Feeling the Spirit.  Eyes dripping with happy tears when they announced 7 new temples.  The encouragement and faith and happiness I feel when listening to conference is so empowering.  Just keeping that motivation with every day life is hard.

When I listen to conference it puts life in perspective.  Money, travels, material things just don't matter.  Listening to our leaders clarifies our purpose here and what will make us feel real happiness.

And the perfect trifecta came with Miday, Conference and Easter all at once.  The atonement and peace I feel through my Savior is amazing.  So many times, especially now, when I read the scriptures and listen to conference talks I feel peace and hope and comfort.

Sunday morning One Voice Sang at a Sunrise Service in Provo.  Very different from our Easter worship but they sounded beautiful and I loved the diversity of "Christ is risen."  "Christ is risen indeed."  I love the choir and am going to miss it so much!

Kenzi and I found a fun ladies night at Zermatt and she made an amazing craft.  Fun to just relax with that sweetie.  We were able to enjoy the annual Easter dinner and hunt and Dave and Cam and Josh spent a few days at the cabin chilling ... followed by a fun Virtual Reality trip.

Kenzi is loving life in New York -- and Cam is now up in Logan with a few friends.  So my disappointment in having to cancel Spring break trip is ok.  Lolo ended up with a hurt toe and toenail removal... dang soccer!

Florida, Miracles, I hate chemo and love spring breaking with Lolo

So because I'm me -- I just planned to stay on my every 28 day chemo schedule.  Why?  Did I ever last time?  No.. but instead I planned a spring break trip to St George with Dave and Cam and Lolo invited me to join her on a spring break trip to Florida to stay with our awesome cousins and soak up the sun.

But what happens?  White blood issues after the first chemo and I couldn't have my 2nd chemo. Not sure why I was so shocked - I think we all hope for the best!

So the St. George trip was out -- and the Florida trip was iffy based on white blood and chemo.

My awesome friends did a fast and as always rallied around me giving me strength.  The family was great encouraging me and helping me do everything I could to be able to have my next chemo.

And gratefully just missing one week helped and I was able to have chemo.  I know the prayers and fasting were heard!

Unfotunately the chemo or Nuelsasta shot for white blood, took a toll on me and I did pretty well for a few days but Sunday started to feel awful.  Monday and Tuesday I felt like I could die.  And honestly by noon on Tuesday I feel like I had 100 pounds strapped to my ankles.  I'm assuming it was the nuelasta but it was horrible.  Flying to Florida sounded impossible, but I didn't want to miss the chance to spend a few days with Lolo.  I kept praying that if it would be a good idea to take this trip it would work out.

Wednesday morning I felt a bit better and decided to give it a try.  In the middle of the night Wedneday it was like the chemo and garbage finished it course and I felt totally different.  (Not fabulous but compared to before it was amazing!)

So we made it and we've love hanging on the beach, paddleboarding, eating fabulous food, mini golf and just relaxing.  Toph and Lindsey have an amazing place on the beach and we have been able to hang out with Doug and Tayler too!

So grateful I was able to make it and for Lolo for inviting me and amazing nephews/nieces who love us and take care of us!

Peace .. come unto you.

Lolo and I had a chance to go to church in Florida (more about that later) and heard some great talks from the missionaries.

One missionary shared a scripture ... and I can't find it now.  But it was talking about Peace the Savior gives to us.  And at the end of this scripture it say I come to you.  The missionary talked about the significance in this one that says come to you.  There are several scriptures I love that talk about coming unto me but he emphasized the Savior will come to you.  He can be there in times of trial and stress and his atonements was part of that.  There were some awful school shootings here last month and 17 people died.  One of the girls that died was in the ward this missionary was serving.  He talked about how hard it was to understand all of this for everyone, for the family and for himself.  But he shared that scripture and talked about how Christ will come unto you -- and be there for you -- and help you find peace.

As a mom that feels like I'm not the best mom and wife, a cancer patient who feels icky and discouraged a lot, and a person that wonders how come I can't seem to live up to my full potential I love this.  I love the peace promised.  And I love that Christ will come to me when I need His spirit to be with me!

Comfort Scriptures ... I've used them over and over again -- thanks Jenn!

During my first surgery 6 years ago Jenn Cottle (my go to person in life) gave me a card with a list of scriptures.  She called them her comfort scriptures.  She said she compiled them while doing Personal Progress and one of her kids was struggling.

When I couldn't sleep I would look them up and read them.  As I've had health issues and concerns about kids or YW or life I go them.  I've shared this list I don't know how many times!  I decided today I'm going to read one each day and write what it means to me.  The crazy thing about these scriptures is that depending on my life situation or struggles or good times they something different to me.  

Doctrine and Covenants 123:17 -- Therefore dearly belowever brethern, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

Cheerfully:  Ok I don't always have to be happy.  I wasn't happy about being kicked out of chemo last week and having to cancel and trip with Dave and Cameron cause of my new schedule.  I wasn't happy about missing a dosage and not killing cancer cells.  I wasn't happy about messing up the schedules of those taking me to chemo and bringing us meals.  But I guess I can always try to remain cheerful.  And the NP and Nurses giving me sincere hugs and telling me they were sorry made it  so much easier to smile admist the tears.  And laugh about Brooke now knowing it was Jenn and me honking at her at the stoplight and then telling us to move along.  To open my doors after to my sweet friends Becca and Kristene (who had planned to switch out with Jenn during chemo) and have flowers and lunch and laugh and cry with them rather than feeling sorry for myself!  And Cameron telling me the other night after we found out Kenzi didn't get the Leadership scholarship she had worked so hard for and would have been so awesome at -- that I needed to look at the glass half full, not half empty.  But I can feel sad but then look at the positive as well.

Cheerfully do all things that lie in our power:  Big one for me.  I'm a control freak -- I don't want to be but I am.  I need to realize I can only have infliuence on so much.  So much of my body and health, my kids decisions, YW testimonies, financial issues etc.  But it is my responsible to do my best and seek the spirit in life and go to the temple and read my scriptures and serve others -- and then turn it over.  My sweet friends did a fast for my white blood counts.  I ate really carefully (which isn't supposed to help) and exercised and my friends and family fasted for me.  We did everything we could when given a hard situation.  I feel that way about my kids.  I've made so many parenting mistakes.  I wish I could do it all over again.  And this is one area where I feel like I need to just do my best and then turn it over to my kids and the Lord.  But I certainly am expected to do my part and do everything I can and read and go to the temple and have fun and listen.  We have to do all things that lie in our power.  Like study hard and not waste time for a test -- like exercising and eating right to get in good shape -- like doing all of the little things that keep the spirit in our lives.

And then may we stand still, with the ustmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.  Such a big one for me.  I'm not always a big picture person.  My anxiety gets the best of me sometimes and little details and issues become monumental in my head.  When I get like this I can follow this counsel.  I need to be still, listen to the spirit, look at the eternal perspective, have trust that my kids or YW or even I will make the right decision and if the right decision isn't made then it is ok.  But I need to have trust and faith.  As I look back on life somehow everything works out.  Not perfectly -- or at least not perfectly in my eyes that aren't seeing the big eternal picture and I can't know.  Everytime there is a big YW activity I watch this happen.  Girl's camp with Karen Brown was the perfect example of this.  We plan, we stress, we do crafts, we scavenge for places to stay within our budget, we pray for girls, for weather, for activities, for the spirit, for fun laughter and for tears and times to feel the spirit. Tina Schwab told me a long time ago that in anything like this "Heavenly Father wants it to be sucessful even more than we do -- so we need to do our part and then turn it over to him."  I've passed along that advice to leaders over and over again.  So last year girls camp was perfect. It was led by Karen of course it would be.  The old farm house property near the lake was great.  The added sunroom had enough room.  The outdoors were lovely and calm and relaxing and helped the girls just want to hang out together. The caves were spectacular and having another group get in before our reservation was a blessing -- we had the darling recently graduated YW leading our tour and tying gospel analogies to everything!  Each and every activity was planned so well -- but ultimately Heavenly Father's hand made it just what we needed.  In my current cancer situation and with my kids I need to do evverything I can and fight and love and trust and not feel sorry for myself.  But then I need to trust and turn it over to my Savior and my Heavenly Father!

2 Nephi 31:20.  Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and all men.  Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the words of Christ, and endure to the end, behold thus saith the Father: Ye shall have enternal life. 

 This was the YM/YW theme for Mutual a few years ago and I loved it.  It feels so positive and makes me want to look to the future and have hope.

Press froward with a steadfastness in Christ.  Press forward.  The word press reminds me that life isn't always going to be a "glide" or an "easy walk."  Sometimes it might be a "trudge" or a "climb" but we need to be always pressing and moving forward.  And how do we do it?  With Christ in mind and by our side.  I love the scripture in 2 Nephi 25:26 that talk in Christ, rejoice in Christ, preach in Christ so that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.  When it is hard or easy or some where in between if we always keep Christ as the focus we won't get bogged down in all of the wordly garbage so easily.  If we make mistakes we can keep our eyes forward to Christ and know we will be forgiven.  When we are discouraged or tired or sick we can keep trying to press forward toward Christ.

Hope.  My goodness if life were just this earth -- the here and now I think I would just give up 1/2 of the time.  If the pleasures and worldly recognition of all of this was all that mattered how messed up would I be.  When I made mistakes over and over again and I didn't have hope for forgiveness it would be impossible to care to change and grow and be better. Hope for becoming better, for an opportunity to be with Heavenly Father again, for the real eternal stuff has carried me through cancer, parenting, marriage, lonliness, anxiety and many stresses of life.

 Love of God and all men.  While pressing forward it is easy to focus on yourself.  Pressing is hard sometimes.  But when my focus is on God and other people it is easier to look outward.  When I got cancer 6 years ago after chemo I was feeeling sorry for myslef and anxious about the future.  We started delivering food boxes for the Utah Food Bank. I'm reminded each month how blessed I am and the joy we get from these cute widows who need our help and so appreciate our acts of service helps me stay focused.  Ronald McDonald House, Candy Cane Corner, Festival of Trees, Special Needs, taking cookies to neighbors, going to the temple ... of these services help me to love people and God even more.  I know if I truly love God I'll love His children and serving is what really brings me happiness.  During my 3 years of YW president as stressful as it was my focus really was on serving and loving and building testimonies -- and it doing that I had to really build my own.  It was easier for me to focus on pressing forward at that time. 

Feasting upon the words of Christ.  I could go on forever sharing favorite scriptures here and conference talks.  My day, my week, my world has so much more focus if I'm feasting on the words of Christ, learning, filling my mind and heart with good things. It gives me strength, makes me happy, reminds me what is important.  My nieces Brooke and Jacque are constanting posting and sharing what they've learned from the scriptures.  Brooke's love of the Book of Mormon and how it brings her to Christ was such an example to me.  It is simple, but some how so powerful to feast upon the words of Christ.  So much better than feasting on what the world offers.  

Endure to the end and have eternal life.  These are both huge.  Endure.  Oh my goodness that is a big word and a word I have to fall back to often with cancer.  I love my life in general but I'm not sure I really understood how hard it would be to be married and have kids and be a good mom and wife and then get cancer and feel crappy and be anxious and worry and sometimes think it would be easier the struggle were over.  But I enduring doesn't allow for that.  Enduring is hanging in there and finding the good (like my awesome Survivor Teaching Students program and friends and strength and support.)  Eternal Life.  That is what it is all about.  I get to be with my mom  My family and friends.  This worldly garbage won't matter.  There here and now of learning and growing helps us but it is just a blip on the map of getting to Eternal Life. 

Doctrine and Covenants 127:4

Doctrine and Covenants 84:88

1 Timothy 4:12

John 14:27

Doctrine and Covenants 84:85

Doctrine and Covenants 6:22, 23

Doctrine and Covenants 6:20

Doctrine and Covenants 6:36

Doctrine and Covenants 112:10, 11

Doctrine and Covenants 98:1-3

Doctrine and Covenants 101:16

Doctrine and Covenants 78:17-20, 22

2 Nephi 4:34

Jacob 4:10

Alma 36:3

Words of Mormon 1:7,8

Mosiah 2:5-6

James 5:14-16

D&C 78:17 - 18

D&C 121

Alma 36:27

Mosiah 24:14

Proverbs 3:5-6

Matthew 11:28-30

Mark 4:36-39

Alma 7:11-13

Alma 37:35-37

Alma 38:5

Life Doesn't Always Turn out as Planned ... mine included!

Quote from a Hess family favorite movie While You Were Sleeping:

Okay, there are two things that I remember about my childhood. I just don't remember it being this orange. First, I remember being with my dad. He would get these far off looks in his eyes and he would say, 'life doesn't always turn out the way you planned." I just wish I had realized he was talking about my life

Round 2 of Steph vs. Ovarian Cancer has begun.  And this is definitely not the way I planned it.  I don't want to whine or complain because I've had an incredible 6 years. 

Lauren starting driving and dating and going to dances and got a job and started college and played soccer and is 20!!!!

Kenzi has been singing, and doing leadership and driving and dating and serving and getting her patriarch blessing and getting ready to graduate.

Cam got baptized, is a deacon, plays tons of sports, reads Harry Potter over and over, is kind and handsome and smart and tries to drive and would like to date.

I've been to Washington DC 2x, New York, Paris, Normandy, London, St. George multiple times, Southern California - the beach - Universal - museums probably 10 times.  I've been Scotts house in Washington about 5-6 times for weddings and lobster fest and so much fun!  I've down countless cabin trips and bike rides and fall leaf hikes and Sunday dinners and game nights.  I watched my dad turn 90 and nieces and nephews have babies.  I spent 3 amazingly wonderful/stressful years as YW President with my girls and amazing other girls and felt the spirit and laughed and gone to girls camp and gone to Youth Conference.

I help get the Survivor's Teaching Students program in Utah off the ground and have taught over 500 students and have met the best of friends and lost some amazing friends from the program and my Dr office.  I've traveled to Texas to present and Washington DC to advocate.

I've gained weight and lost weight and had anxiety and depression and been made and been an awful mom and wife and cried and worried but all of that stuff is small compared to the great stuff.

Ok ... so its been an incredible 6 years.  And for that I'm grateful!