Hooray!! or I'm a Failure!! or Really.. no surprise there!!

Rejected, relieved, disappointed, elated, calm, frustrated... is it possible to feel all of those emotions at the same time.

At chemo on Monday I got "kicked" off the clinical trial.

Dr. Gregg feels like the benefits of the low dose chemo, do not outweigh the risks of the chance of continued/worsening allergic reaction.  She is concerned it will get worse and I may have some kind of serious problem.  If I was not NED and needing to aggressively fight the cancer, she said she'd try even more pre-drugs (they added some last month and they didn't help), but there just isn't the evidence the low dose drug is worth the risk.  She also said maybe my body is just saying it is enough for now. 

I called Dr. Z to get her opinion ... yes I'm pretty sure she can walk on water ... and she agreed.  She said 12 infusions on a trial is just a random number.  There is no evidence 12 exactly is the best so getting 8 of them is good -- and not worth the risk to have more.

Went to the temple and I feel calm about it -- so I guess that is my answer.

I am done.  Hopefully forever!!!  I get to have my port taken out.  I guess I should have my "end of chemo party."  Although it feels weird to plan it when this stopped mid-stream.  

I have to laugh at myself... and my "failure" at all of the cancer stuff.  I just wish once I would stay on track and not be the 1% or 5% that has a problem.  But maybe being rare benefits me.  Maybe I'll be that small percentage that beats this garbage.

Part of me wants to jump up and down, part of me is scared to death.  

I think this quote from a woman who has Ovarian cancer and write a blog for the ny times sums up how I feel.

"The gift of time starts to feel like a present spoiled by uncertainty about the future. With cancer, you can’t win for losing."

Favorite Grandpa Pictures from Washington -- Happy Birthday Dad

Yesterday was Dad's 86th Birthday.  He is an amazing man, father and grandpa!  I was laughing looking at my Washington pictures because a few of them are just so "dad" and make me laugh.  I love them because they show how young he still is, how funny he still is and what a spunky guy he still is. Happy Birthday Dad.  Praying for at least 14 more!!!!

Seriously thought these two would tip over!

His balance isn't great and dad shooting guns was pretty comical.
Jordan was great about keeping him steady though.

We took the dog to the river and after went for a walk.  Jana and I thought this was so cute!!

Jordan, Grandpa and Cam riding side-by-side.  He is so funny on Scott's "toys."

After walking down to shoot guns, he didn't think he could make it back up.  So he had Josh tie a rope around him.
And Josh pulled him up the hill .. .I think Scott and Josh thought he was just kidding, but he really did pull him.

Josh Graduation -- Washington Here we Come

Cam, Grandpa, Jana, Terri and I kicked off the summer with a trip to Washington to see Josh graduate.  Cam was so excited because he didn't join us last fall for Lobster Fest and he loves Scott's family and his boy cousins.  Jana and Terri had never been to Scott's so I knew they would love it.

I asked Cam when we got back what was his favorite -- the big motorcycle, the little motorcycle, the tractor, the 4-wheelers, bow and arrow shooting, shooting guns, the party, the graduation, playing pool over and over and over, going to the river, playing with Jake, fire and foil dinners, Mt. St. Helens, reading 2 Harry Potter books, the airplane ride, the kids night bowling and Taco Bell night that ended at midnight (I think they forgot Cam is only 9), the tree swing, wandering through the mountains, seeing Josh's practical joke on Jordan, watching Josh pull Grandpa up the hill, sleeping upside down on the chair, having our own "apartment" ... did I miss anything.  (Yes, visiting the Walls is pretty cool!)

He had a hard time deciding but I think both motorcyles (riding his own one for an hour maybe a little more than the big one with Jordan), Mt. St. Helens, bowling and the Taco Bell run were the ones he talked about the most.  

Jana would have stayed if we had let her -- she was in heaven.  Terri and I are missing our morning walks.  Cam begged to leave him there for a few weeks (if he were a little older I would have).  I love the Walls and their home and community is just so beautiful!  Thanks for the great trip Grandpa!