Life still seems pretty normal!

Kenzi and the Utah mascot after singing the Star Spangled Banner

My life feels like it has change significantly over but the past several months, but despite the cancer and chemo and infections and garbage, gratefully a high percentage of life is still pretty darn normal for the Hess kids. 


In the past few weeks we've been able to have Lauren's friends over for a late night fire/smore roasting and thanks to Dave and great friends the kids have been able to continue in their activities and fun.


Love this picture of Kenzi with the Utah mascot who swooped in and took Makenzie (what is it about my kids and Utes lately)!  The choir sang the Star Spangled Banner at the Bees stadium at a Utah baseball game and the kids had a great time.  Cam and Lauren Spencer and Kenzi go to go on the field, they went under the tunnels and had a fabulous time!

Baldies Unite!

Here is it is ... me and my bald buddies.  I have been waiting to post this picture so I could photo shop Adam into it as well -- but finally just decided to put them in separately.


I have to admit it has been pretty helpful to have some bald nieces around.  The first time I went out to a restaurant Brooke was with us.  It was easier to not be the only one in a hat.  We decided no one would know which one of us was "sick cancer patient."  One day Brooke, Kerri and I went to lunch -- Kerri was the only one who wasn't bald -- it was kind of fun to not be in the minority.


So to Tara, Brooke, Adam and Cameron -- I love you!  And as Tara says "Baldies Unite!"

Steph, Tara, Cameron and Brooke

Adam and his bald head -- he sent me this picture with the following poem.

Aunt Steph,

Roses are Red Violets are Blue,

I just want you to know this is in honor of you!

There are many people who admire you don't you see?

One of those many does include me!

I really have wanted to write this poem on my head,

But nothing came off skin easy so I am typing it instead.

Atleast I hear that your head is pretty round,

Unfortunatley after doing this, remnants of a cone I found!

Whether a hat, a wig, or just the skin,

I am sure you will look pretty if you just grin.

Now there is one less obstacle left to go,

You will make it through this journey I know!

Love Adam

Chemo is on!

Sitting here at chemo with my cute niece Kerri. (In our matching outfits. We didn't plan it but we both have orange tie dyed looking shirts on. Everyone has been commenting on our matching outfits.) 


 Yay... Infection and blood count good enough to have chemo. Probably won't be so happy tomorrow. But glad to be killing cancer now!

Back at home with our bright shirts everyone loved!

Post chemo exhaustion for both of us after a long day.
9:00 am - 5:00 pm of Dr. appointments and chemo!

Another year down ... love watching Lolo run!

Love the smile in this picture ...

Savannah and Lauren -- Millcreek 2nd and South Davis 4th

The reason I don't run -- this is the look on my face I have before, during and after!!

This year Lauren decided she doesn't love the mile and so toward the end of the season she focused on the shorter runs.


Either way it is so much fun to watch her run -- especially because I don't run and absolutely hate running -- and it comes so naturally to her!  One person described her running as "a jungle animal gracefully running through the forest!"  Never would have thought of it that way, but she does have a great stride.  


She made it to District in the 400 and 4x400.  She didn't place in the 400, but did great for her first year.  Her 4x400 team took 2nd.  I didn't get to see that race but apparently she ran the 400 of her life.  They were in about 6th place from the 2nd runner and Lauren did her thing and got them almost back into first when she passed it off to the final runner.  


Savannah her soccer friend from South Davis ran the same races so they had fun competing against each other.  Here's to another great year of track!

Hoping for Chemo Tuesday...

A cute friend made a reference to having it be a good thing she loves roller coasters, because it helps with all of the ups and downs in life. 


I feel like this has definitely been one of those up and down weeks.  I had another CT scan on Tuesday -- with the hopes of perforation gone. 


On Wednesday I got a call that it looked like on the scan that it was still there and they might not do chemo next Tuesday.  


Praying for chemo is something I wouldn't have imagined I'd do, but putting this off and wondering when I'll get chemo again and worrying about cancer cells still living in my body is a bit frustrating.  And not having my body heal itself is more than a bit frustrating as well.  Let's just say I had one of my better cries on Wednesday afternoon. 


I did get a call from the chemo Dr. on Thursday morning saying that after consulting with both Drs. and talking with the radiologist that they will probably do chemo on Tuesday if my numbers look good.  As much as I don't look forward to the aches and pains again -- I was thrilled with the news.  


So here is to the roller coaster of life ... and hoping for chemo on Tuesday.

It's Great to be 8!

Cameron D -- 8 years old!  Was worried it would not be the best birthday for him in the world, but it turned out to be the perfect birthday week.


April 25th -- day before birthday.  Cam got to join the Scouts and participate in the Pinewood Derby.  He and Dave spent lots of time designing and working on the car and did great!  He thought it was the best night ever!!!!


April 26th -- Birthday.  Started with breakfast in bed, treats and school and a surprise phone call from Toph. He had 2 lower bowl tickets to a Jazz game.  So the two of them enjoyed the Jazz and every treat possible at the game and had a great night!  They even got to down on the floor after the game. 


Becca made him a fantastic U of U -- BYU cake.  It was so great -- we waited an extra day to cut it and enjoy the art.

Cam you are smart, kind, caring, sensitive, funny, obedient, cutest dimple ever, and full of life!  I love you!!!

"Awesome" ... Cam's Baptism

Brandon Christensen

Beautiful Bethany

Doug the man he looks up to.

Jacob and Sam Hess & Katie Jones

Kerri Russell

Hess Cousins!

With Bishop Pitt

Some of the crew -- Hess', Grandpa, Doug, Russells, Rob and Fiona

After take out chinese at the Walls.

The BYU shirt and Utah hat.

"Awesome" -- the first word that came out of Cam's mouth when he was baptized on April 27th.  Can't think of a better word to describe the whole baptism, confirmation and program.  (Apparently that is his favorite word cause his best school buddy gave him a birthday card that just had the word AWESOME in it.)


Awesome that there was a time I felt good, after Cam's 8th Birthday, when the church was available, the Bishop was available, Grandpa was feeling ok with his kidney stones and we could get a good chunk of family and friends together.


Awesome that the Primary Presidency and so many family and friends made it possible to do the baptism with a 2-day notice.


Awesome that Doug and Bethany gave such great talks and advice to Cam.  (And that Bethany had the the poster I gave her 15 years ago at her baptism.)  I'm so grateful my kids have so many wonderful cousins and aunts and uncles who care about them and spend time with them and are great examples to them.  And great to have Bethany balance out the BYU v. Utah family issue by giving him a shirt to counterbalance Scott's Utah hat. 


Awesome that Lauren and Kenzi sang Masa's beautiful baptism song together.  Even more amazing is that even though Lauren tried to back out at the last minute... after the baptism and as they were walking up ... that she did it and they sounded so good together!  (Special thanks to Misty for playing the piano with a 24 hour notice since I didn't think I could hold it together.)


Awesome that the Bishop was still able to "introduce" Cameron even though it wasn't a Stake Baptism.  He was initially disappointed he wasn't going to get to be baptized in the same type of program all of her friends had, but said it would be ok if the Bishop would still introduce him.


Awesome that Grandpa Wall and Brother Tangren and -- two of his favorite men could be there and be a part of the baptism.


Awesome that Dave is a great dad and could be the one to baptize and confirm him.


Awesome that Fiona talked me into accepting the Bishop's offer to bear my testimony, even though I was on the verge of losing it the whole time.


Awesome that Cam was so excited for his new scriptures from Grandpa that he wouldn't let Grandpa have them back long enough to put in a picture of he and Grandma, and that he wanted everyone to mark their favorite scripture in them.


Awesome that so many people love Cam and our family and were there to support him and love him and make this a special day for him!

If anything can go wrong... I'm 1 in a million!

So the port came out ... Yay! 


But at the end of the catheter there was green stuff. (And of course my Dr. had never had a patient with this.)


Spent the last two nights in the hospital ... Boo! 


After a couple of ct scans they found a tiny perforation in my intestines right by the port. Just be safe and watch me I've been on a liquid diet and stayed in the hospital. They think it is small enough it will heal on its own, particularly now that nothing else has happened in the last 2 days. 


 I'm going home on 3 antibiotics, and bigger open wound and no chemo for another week. I'm not even going to talk about the other 2 options if it doesn't heal... I can't think about them today. (Although with me chances are pretty good I'm going to have the impossible happen. My cute friend Sue texted me yesterday and told me I'm one in a million but I can stop being negative medical 1 in a million.) 


Except for some burning at the hole, I feel good. I'm trying sooooo hard not to get discouraged, but I have to be honest, every time they postpone a chemo I get a little panicked. Hoping there is some ryhme or reason to all of these problems. I just have to repeat over and over "all flesh is in my hands, be still and know that I am God.".

Good New, Bad-ish News and Good-ish News

Good News:
CA 125 is a blood test that is a tumor marker for Ovarian cancer and other female issues.  Just because you have a high CA doesn't mean you have Ovarian cancer, but it is an indicator with other factors (such as grapefruit size tumors).  An average woman would have between 1-30.  
Pre-Surgery:  780
6 Weeks After Surgery:  90
After 1st Chemo:  19


Yay for me!  As long as it is going down and not going up it is a pretty good indicator the chemo is working at this point.  


Bad-ish News/Good-ish News:
My ip port incision infection is not healing great -- so I went to the Dr. today.  My skin has thinned due to the infection and my Dr. can see the port through the hole now.  So... if all goes well (white blood count test) they will do surgery tomorrow and take it out.  Loved the way my Dr. talked about it... won't write what she said on this blog but needless to say we have all been really frustrated.  She will also probably be able to sew me up so Lisa doesn't have to come be my home health nurse anymore!  (Lisa said she feels like she just got fired.)  They may or may not put the new port in the other side tomorrow -- I don't think I'll know until I get there.  Should be outpatient surgery if all goes well!

Comfort Scriptures -- Thanks Jenn!

When I was in the hospital my sister Jenn gave me a card that had a list of her favorite "comfort" scriptures.  I have spent many sleepless nights and miserable days reading these and finding peace in them.  

For FHE the other night everyone chose one and made a poster of it for my wall in my room.  Great scriptures and great messages to help you deal with physical or emotional trials.

• Doctrine and Covenants 123:17
• Doctrine and Covenants 127:4
• 2 Nephi 31:20
• Doctrine and Covenants 84:88
• 1 Timothy 4:12
• John 14:27
• Doctrine and Covenants 84:85
• Doctrine and Covenants 6:22, 23
• Doctrine and Covenants 6:20
• Doctrine and Covenants 6:36
• Doctrine and Covenants 112:10, 11
• Doctrine and Covenants 98:1-3
• Doctrine and Covenants 101:16
• Doctrine and Covenants 78:17-20, 22
• 2 Nephi 4:34
• Jacob 4:10
• Alma 36:3
• Words of Mormon 1:7,8
• Mosiah 2:5-6
• James 5:14-16

1% Chance -- Are you sure this isn't a dream?

During the last several weeks I keep waking up in the middle of the night and just for a brief moment, I think I've just had a really, really bad dream.  


And then I feel my stomach -- oh shoot there really are 2 holes.  


I rub my head -- yup I am bad.  


Nope -- not a dream!


I lay there for about 5 minutes and feel sorry for myself, still not believing that I really have cancer, that I really am doing chemo, that at least twice a week I let my mind wander and start measuring my life in statistical chances of survival.  


And then I try to think about all of the good that I have seen during the last 3 months.  


Yesterday marked 3 months since my initial surgery.  Seems like a lifetime ago and yet it could have just been yesterday.  I was at my chemo Dr. today and we were talking about doing genetic testing.  She told me that the average woman has a 1% chance of getting ovarian cancer.  1 PERCENT!?!?!  Are you kidding me?  If I am going to be the 1% winner why couldn't be outcome become a cruise or a $100 cash or even 2 movie tickets?


I'm really not feeling sorry for myself, I just keep thinking that after 3 months I would be able to completely accept the reality of what I am facing.


I don't go out much -- other than to Dr. appointments, a track meet or to Sacrament meeting.  And when I do, someone is usually home to help me decide what to wear or I just wear something that has already had the "Dave or Lauren and Kenzi approval."  I know, I'm 45 and I'm a big girl I should be able to dress myself, but no matter what I have on, it just doesn't look like "me."  I'm bald, I slouch, my clothes fit differently... mostly I'm bald.  


On Sunday when I got ready to go to Sacrament meeting everyone was already at church and I wanted to wear my new hat Sue gave me at chemo.  I've never worn it before and hadn't decided what outfits it looked good with.  I finally decided on one but wasn't sure.  So I took a picture of myself in the mirror, text'd Dave and asked him if I looked ok.  Yes I really did text my husband a picture of me during church to get his approval.  I already know -- I'm worse than a teenager.  Dave didn't read his text and it was time to go to church.  Being the brave person I am I went -- without any prior approval.  Apparently I looked ok cause I got lots of compliments (who really would come up to bald chemo woman at church and say my hat and outfit looked silly?).  


After 3 months, in simple words what have I learned?

• I have great family, I have great friends.  

• Faith and hope and patience and gratitude are closely tied.  

• Even as an adult I'm really insecure.

• I don't like pain, but I can survive even with a lot of pain.

• No one can really prep you for how tough -- tough things really will be -- you just have to face them.  I thought I had a pretty good idea of how hard the surgery and chemo would be.  How I would feel physically and emotionally.  Wow, not even close!  Roxanne and Dave kind of tried to forewarn me about this, but it was something I had to experience on my own.  And although I feel like at times I've hit the lowest of lows, I can look back during the higher times and see that there is hope.  I can do it.

• Music is very calming and there is nothing good on TV.

• Little things make all the difference in the world.

• People are just good.  And people are soooo giving!!!!!!!!!!  I am surrounded by so many good people.

• If there is going to be a chance of something going weird it will happen to me.

• Scriptures can bring such great comfort.  Scriptures and conference talks take on different meaning at different times in your life. 

• Everyone has trials.  I have many friends and families that are facing different, but equally as challenging things right now.

• Laughing and crying both hurt a damaged stomach, but laughter doesn't leave you with a headache.

• Doctors and nurses and caregivers are amazing.

• Self-pity is ok in very short doses, only if followed by something positive. 

• Positive books, positive music, positive thoughts are a must -- I have to surround myself with positive.

• You can have good times and good memories and good things happen, even amidst really bad times with bad memories and bad things happening.

• It is super easy to fall into mundane, unimportant worries and desires -- even when you are facing something that gives you a reality check.

• Control -- what is control?  I have none.  And that is ok if I put the control in Heavenly Father's hands.

• For me and my family openness, honesty (even if it isn't pretty or what you want to hear) and humor about "not great things" works.

• Life goes on -- with or without me.  This is as it should be.  Dave and I have said that although our sweet little family is facing a very daunting trial, on a daily basis things really have changed.  Different people drive them places, Dad takes care of them more, some priorities have changed for us.  But their day-to-day activities and life as they know it has not been as monumentally impacted as I would have thought.

Do You Believe Angels Really Come and Help?

Kenzi:  "Mom do you believe there really are angels that Heavenly Father sends us while we are having a hard time."


Me:  "Absolutely."


Kenzi:  "I really feel like Grandma was with us when you and I were in the kitchen eating earlier."


Me:  "That is exactly what my mom would want to be doing.  Helping other people and letting her granddaughter know she was there for her."


Cameron:  Rolling his eyes half irritated and half laughing -- "Are you two going to start crying again?"


Kenzi and Me:  Laugh -- of course with tears in our eyes.


I would give almost anything to not have cancer and not be going through this and putting my family and friends through all of the stress that it brings, but I am so grateful for experiences and lessons like this that would never happen any other way!  


(And I'm grateful for the sense of humor my kids have through this whole thing.)

Princess Spoon, Sagwa Spoon, Little Mermaid Spon

Lauren and Kenzi... I'm doing my best to remember funny little things when you were little since I can blog about funny Cameron things...

When you were about 2-5 years old we had 3 spoons that reminded you of princesses, Sagwa (that cat show on PBS) and the Little Mermaid. Every morning we had to find one of the spoons and you would fight over them.

Happy Father's Day

I have been bless my entire life with wonderful men in my life. Starting with a dad I always knew loved me and would do anything for me, brothers who adored me and have always been there for me, and a fabulous husband who is such a great dad to our kids. Grandfathers who I didn't know well (Grandpa Bevan died when I was 2 and Grandpa Wall when I was about 7 or 8) but still had an impact on me.

So in honor of these great men... a few thoughts about each of them.

Dave: Was always the uncle everyone loved (and still loved). Does the best barn door, told the greatest reader rabbit stories,

School is Out for the Summer.....

Great year for everyone!

I couldn't have mapped out a better 7th grade year for Lauren if I had tried. She had enough failures and stress to make her stretch and grow (an unfair grade, but enough successes academically, socially and spiritually to keep her excited and positive.

24th of July

I love the July holidays... fireworks are my favorite. The girls were in the parade this year with their choir and Cam managed to entertain everyone while we watched the parade by waterfighting with Uncle Rob and everyone else for 2 hours. (He definitely spent time in heaven with Grandpa Bevan because I have never seen a 4-year old love to water fight more than him!)


The Handcart Days were a hit as always, and the choir sang down at the park as well.

We enjoyed parties with the Spencers and their friends and family, and a cul-de-sac firework show as well!

Singing, Snakes and More Summer Fun

Global Warming?!

Ok -- so it is October 13th and Cameron spent most of the day outside sledding... yes, sledding. The strangest part of the picture was that as he went down the hill he hit into the garbage can and knocked over all of the tomato plants. The same ones we had just pulled out after getting the last of the season tomatoes. (I guess I'm just not use to putting sledding and fall gardening in the same weekend.)

The snow is mostly melted now, but Kendall built a great snowman in his yard and now all of the snow around it is melted, but it still stands with green grass and beautiful plants all around it. (Ok... so the Hess kids snowmen looked more like snow ghosts -- but they still had fun building it!)

Note -- can't find the picture.

Happy Thanksgiving -- 3 Days in Heaven and 4 Days in Hell

Happy Holidays 2009

Had a wonderful Holiday Season... so sad to see December come and go so quickly. More great memories created this year and so grateful for the family, friends and great feelings of the season!

Wall kids on Santa's lap.

We loved Santa Chad this year.

The annual Cory/Lauren/Santa picture.

Brooke & Dave having a great time together. The White Elephant was particularly great this year!

Kerri & Cam on the hayride...1st hayride for several years at the Bevan Party!

Josh & Meggan Perkins

Nothing like singing Christmas carols snuggled in a blanket, on the hay, driving through the streets of Tooele.

Cam & Paige building a snowman. The kids spent hours in the snow at our house and cabin this month.

Lots and lots of choir performances this year -- finishing the year off with their own concert and one at the Conference Center.