I Feel Good -- A Tender Mercy

I woke up this morning and can I say -- this is the best I have felt since I went into surgery almost 3 months ago!  I shouldn't write this, I am probably jinxing myself, but I can't believe how good it feels to feel good!  Thanks to my awesome nurse Lisa and good antibiotics I think I am starting to heal.

I am so grateful especially today because Cam's baptism is tonight and I wanted it to be something where I was putting on a fake smile and fighting back tears.  If I start chemo on Monday I doubt I'll feel like this again for a while -- but I will take it -- especially today!

Cameron asked me the other morning at breakfast (our deep talk times) if I would ever be a silly mom again and talk in a weird voice to annoy Lauren and stuff like that.  I assured him that eventually I would, and feeling like this gives me hope that when this whole thing is over I really could feel at least mostly like the old me again someday!

My Little Angel Among Us -- Love the CD Kenzi

I've always loved the words to the song "Angels Among Us" and have seen so many examples of this in the last few months.

Sweet Kenzi is definitely one of those angels to me.

When I was in the hospital she told Dave she wanted to make a music CD for me.  Dave told her if she wanted to do it she would need to do it all on her own.  So she began her project.

She talked to Masa and asked him if he would help her do a song.  Originally she wanted to do a version of "We Are the World" but instead he told her she could use a song he wrote that he has never published.  He told her he'd be happy to record and mix it, but she needed to contact the parents and kids she wanted to help her.  She contacted some of our good choir friends and their moms and after several attempts at getting them all together, she finally arranged a Friday after choir where Kenzi and 7 of her choir friends and parents went to Masa's and recorded the song.  Masa mixed the song and then sent it to Dave.  Because it is non published song, I get to be the only person who can burn it to a CD -- just what Kenzi wanted.  A song just for me!!!

While arranging all of this over the past month she also recorded 5 of her ukulele songs (she sang and played the ukulele) and had Dave put them on a CD.

Kenzi then presented me with this wonderful gift of beautiful music.  And all on her own!

Timing was perfect -- it has been during all of these infections and listening to Kenzi and her friends and all of her singing and ukulele has been just what I needed.  These sweet kids sound so beautiful -- it is just a precious gift!

Kenzi thanks for being such a beautiful angel to me!!!

Infected ... Rejected

Good news...I know why my ip port has been killing me.  Bad news, I have an infection in my incision there.  


It had been hurting, started to get better and then on Friday evening starting hurting again.  By Saturday night I couldn't find any position that was comfortable to sit, stand or lay.  I couldn't figure out how it was twisted or pinching, but I was a mess.  


When Lisa came to change my other wound on Sunday afternoon she and I noticed my ip port incision was looking red and infected.   I called my Dr., she put me on an antibiotic and I went in Monday morning.  Yes the ip incision port is infected and yeah -- two holes inow!  That is apparently why it had been hurting so much ever since the other infection.  I'm guessing the antibiotic I was on started clear it up, but as soon as I went off the antibiotic the pain/infection came back.  


So... chemo on Monday cancelled.


Problem -- because it is by the ip port there is a chance the infection can spread to my abdominal cavity and to all of the organs.  There is a filter at the end of the catheter that is there to prevent that, but it is a possibility.   And they definitely don't want to access it while I have an infection.  I am really grateful they cancelled my last Monday chemo even though I was feeling good -- the infection was obviously still there and the last thing I want is a major internal infection!


I went back in today to have it checked and they said it looks pretty good -- and they are really hoping I can start chemo again on Monday.  It will be venous for now if they do it and they'll switch the drugs around a bit.  


One benefit -- sometimes they do both chemos on the same day so I wouldn't have to do Monday/Tuesday.  Bad news -- using the ip port and dumping directly is more effective in killing cancer.  


My Drs. will probably wait several weeks, see how the port and infection look and then make a decision about whether or not to do the surgery to remove it.  I don't think they want to give up on it yet -- and they really want me to start some kind of chemo again if possible.


Got to be honest... I've been a little discouraged this week.  This is all completely out of my hands.  Other than trying to eat well and stay healthy, I have no control over what is going to happen and that is frustrating to a control freak like me -- and also it is hard knowing what appears to be best for me long term may not be possible because of the short term potential ramifications. 


Ultimately, this is all in Heavenly Father's hands anyway -- so my goal this week is to just get better, stay positive and trust that the best thing for me will happen.

Foxy Lady ... Always Foxy -- Thanks Jordan!

When I was in 7th grade I tried out for cheerleader along with two of my best friends.  First cuts came and I didn't make it -- both of them made it to the finals.


I was devastated and both of them going on only made it worse.  My mom tried to cheer me up on the way home but I still went up to my bedroom and cried. 


A while later there was a knock on my door and my 16 year old brother and a few of his cute friends were standing there with a gift.  It was a plaque that said "FOXY LADY."  I can't tell you what that little gift from these 16 year old boys did for me that day -- and all through high school.  I had it hanging in my room and when I was discouraged about boys or didn't get asked to a dance I would look at it and think my brother and his friends think I'm foxy and that is all that matters.


On our cruise in December I shared this story with Scott's kids and last night I received a 2nd generation gift to remind me I'm ok.


My brother Scott flew in to see me and spend the weekend and presented me with a great gift.  It is a mirror that says "ALWAYS FOXY."   My cute nephew Jordan (who is a future Navy man and a tough guy) remembered the story and after I shaved my hair wanted to send me something as a pick me up. (Jordan I always knew you were just like your dad and a softy at heart.)


He bought the mirror and asked Mandy if she could somehow "cuten it up" so she put darling paper and ribbon around it.  The outside says "Always Foxy" and when you open the door there is the mirror.


Foxy is one word I wouldn't use to describe me right now -- but when I look in the mirror Jordan gave me I'm reminded that regardless of what I look like on the outside I still have some pretty wonderful people who will always love me!

What I Want for My Birthday ... Cam's Conversations Break my Heart

Some excerpts from morning conversation with Cameron at breakfast.

"Mom -- do you know what I want for my birthday this year -- just this year?  I want Heavenly Father to get rid of all of the cancer in your body.  Just go zap and have it all gone and never come back again."

Eating cereal ... "Mom how many cancer cells are left in your body?  As many as are in this box of cereal?  As many as in my bowl of cereal?  I hope as many pieces of cereal as are left on my spoon!"  (Which was none.)

I hope that he just talks about it with me and doesn't obsess about it all day at school.  His teacher says he seems to be doing great at school so I'm hoping that it is just with me worries.  When my girls turned 8 we were able to make such a big deal of their baptisms and 8th birthday party and all of the celebrations around it.  With Cam we've had to schedule the baptism 2x and are now just going to need to find a week I feel good and pick a day and get him baptized.   Like every mom, I want to make important events such as this special and important...I kind of feel like I'm shafting him.

I know he is learning compassion and faith and caring (he is always wiling to rub my feet at night and is constantly trying to make sure I am happy) and I know these lessons will stay with him much longer than a big b day celebration.

I just pray my sweet little guy doesn't spend too much of his time worrying about me and this rotten cancer.

Just a Few Random Pictures

My wacky Lolo

Mrs. L Jumping out of cake on 100th Day

Ben, Kenzi and Cam Sledding

Sledding -- one of the last days before surgery

My cute walls to help me feel better. 

More we love mom walls.

FHE the night before surgery.

FHE

Morning before surgery

Post surgery

His mom doesn't know boys can't get obarian cancer!

This cancer thing is confusing for everyone, but as I listen to Cameron try to make sense of it I think logically it is the toughest on him. Just last night kind out of the blue he said "mom I hate cancer!"

Today he came home from school and explained why he needed to play at his friend's house and not here.

"His Mom doesn't know that boys can't get obarian cancer so she says we have to play at his house."

Rejected!

Not surprisingly I was rejected at chemo today due to the incision infection. My white blood count was good and my body seems to be fighting the infection so my Dr. doesnt want to mess with the healing. She said it is better to take 1-2 weeks off and let my body heal than to start the chemo, kill my white blood cells and still be dealing with this in a month or two.

Part of me is relieved, I can't imagine my IP chemo with this little hole still annoying me, and yet I'm really disappointed that I can't stay on schedule. I had everything all mapped out through July. You'd think I'd learn from the past that I shouldn't try to schedule things i can't control. Also, I just want this entire thing to be over!

Fortunately waiting won't nullify my last treatment ... She said the chemo stays in your body for about 3 months so it is still working and doing its job.

Good news...they have a few new things they will be trying with my next cysplatin treatment and my Dr. thinks I should deal with it much better...not that it would take much to make it be better.

In the meantime, I will rest, eat and eat and eat and try not to worry. In the big scheme of things 1-2 weeks isn't going to make a difference.

Add Brookie to the list!

Just got an amazing email....a bald Brooke! She told me when my mom lost her hair that I asked her if she would shave her head for me if I ever had chemo. I would never hold her to it and yet she has been telling me she wanted to do it.

I can't wait to see her at Easter dinner tonight so we can compare heads.

All of these confident people around me inspired me! I have to admit I was a little nervous about going to sacrament meeting today. I am feeling good and figured it might be a while before I can go back. I put on my cute new blue hat, Lolo earrings and decided with so many people that love me I don't care what people think...and people will only think good things anyway!

Love you Brookie...aka mtp!

And Tara too!!!!

Ok...I just opened my email and found a new bald picture. My cute niece Tara shaved her head today. All i can say is WOW! She looks really beautiful and I can't believe she did it. She even went to the store after to buy hats and went bald. She has much more confidence than I do.

She did say that people wouldn't look her in the eyes and kind of avoided her even though she had her darling 1 year old with her.

I've been feeling a bit sorry for myself today with the infection, but how can I feel sorry for long with people like this.

Tara you made me cry and Adam and Tara and Cam you have all brightened my day!

See the whole story and fabulous pictures at tagamartin.blogspot.com

And Adam is Bald Too!

I woke up to a funny, great email this morning -- Adam shaved his head in honor of my newly bald head.  Now Cam and Adam and I are little triplets.

Funny thing, our heads are pretty similar shaped -- and he and I look quite a bit alike when we are bald.   (Although Dave assures me I'm prettier... sorry Adam).

Tara and Brooke have offered to shave their heads too -- but I told them not too.  I appreciate the thought...it makes me feel loved!

I Did It... I am Bald

I am an official bald cancer patient! And I must say, i think I have a pretty good shaped head. Cam (who shaved his head too) and I are rubbing each others bald heads right now....wow this is weird.

It wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated though, mostly because I was so grossed out yesterday by the hair coming out. When I woke up yesterday I had a big wad of hair on my pillow. Every chair I sat on was covered with hair and my clothes were covered as well. Strangely enough my scalp hurt too. It was almost as if the weight of my hair was too much and the follicles were irritated.

So Bethany came up with the scissors and let the girls cut it. It was quite the cut.

I had planned to just leave it short short for a few days but even short if I grabbed hair a whole bunch would come out. Bethany got the razor out and started buzzing. At first I got a little teary, but honestly it felt good to have it off and Dave and alex assured me my head shape was good. (I didn't do it in front of a mirror... I couldn't watch.)

The kids had been outside and one by one came in to look. Their first response was that of "horrified" but then after they each looked, laughed and said I didn't look too bad. When Cam came in he asked Bethany to shave his too... Now I have a bald partner.

Kenzie brought me all my hats and I tried everything on...some good, some bad. I do have a few that actually look pretty cute and with make up I think I could go out it them.

I'm not ready to post pictures and not ready to go out in my new head, but it feels so much better than yesterday. All morning I've been finding wads of hair from yesterday and it reassures me I did the right thing last night. I had to sleep in a hat because it felt weird and this morning I'm going from being too hot to too cold, but one more thing I can check off the list.

Infection....really?

Yesterday my stomach starting hurting, but it was a new pain I hadn't had before. When I went to bed my incision was looking red and by this morning I had a definite infection. The longer the morning went the more it hurt and worse looking nasty. I won't go into all of the icky details but by the time I got in touch with my surgeon's office the infection had finally eaten through the skin and my tummy was oozing. The doc called it exudate sp?

I ended up with an infection pocket under my skin that fortunately was between the layer of fat and abdominal wall so it hadn't gone too far. Mmmmmm....foreign objects, hydrogen peroxide and 3 docs/nurses later it was cleaned out, packed with gauze and I was ready to go with my antibiotic. I was able to do it without a numbing shot, but was there was lots of sweating, clenched hands and strange words coming out of me. Home health is coming in for the next few days to change it but then Dave is going to have to start doing it. They said normally it would be about 5 days to heal, but with chemo it could be more likely doubled.

Not sure I'm up for this new little hitch, but I guess i don't have any other options. The only thing I have to say is really, really really? Dave may be trying to talk lisa into coming to change the gauze... We will see how brave we are. Just hoping it doesn't mess up with chemo schedule!

We really are good parents....I promise

Ok...so being a good parent is always tough, but I won't be getting any awards for mom of the year this year! I'm good at playing card games with the kids and signing forms they bring to me and being here when they get home from school and reading scriptures with them at night.

Other than that they aren't getting a lot of parenting from me right now.

Example...about 2 weeks ago I looked down at cams foot and his toe is infected and a gross mess. He swears he doesn't know what he did of when it started and says it doesn't hurt. We had him start soaking it every night but has only gotten worse.

I took him to a podiatrist yesterday and it turns out he somehow injured it in the last few months. "How did he hurt it. When did it start. How much pain?". Ummmmm....no idea to the answer to every question.

The Dr. was super nice but I felt so stupid. I finally just told him the situation and said as long as my kids were dressed and going to school they have been kind of on their own.

Brave Cameron after some shots and numbing had the nail removed, the infection cleaned out and was on his way! Yeah for a nice Dr. and a super brave son. I promise I'll be a better mom after August.

It's Not Quite San Diego -- But I Love the New View and Haven't Laughed so Hard in Years!!!

POCD (pre Ovarian Cancer Diagnosis) we had planned a trip to San Diego for Spring Break.  Dave had a conference he was supposed to go to and the kids and I were going to hang out on the beach for a few days and  enjoy the sun while he worked, then we'd all go up to Ray and Cathy's for a couple of days.

Unfortunately for all of us, many plans during the last few months have changed and we are not in San Diego.

But...2nd best I felt good enough for us to go to the cabin!!!  My two favorite times of the year here are New Year's and Conference so I was so glad to be able to get out of the house and come.  A different view, a different bed, a different couch and the calmness of Midway.  And conference was fabulous yesterday!

And there is nothing like girls' time -- anything with Kerri Russell right now.  While the boys went to conference we sat around and heard Kerri stories.  Any story is funny she tells just by how she tells it, but the stories themselves were priceless!  Followed by mass hysteria and Lorie getting stung by a wasp... my stomach hurt so bad from laughing.

Things only got worse when after conference and everyone went out to dinner (yeah for take out for me) they came home and played the ipod game.  It is loud, it is funny and I was in serious, serious pain laughing.  My abdominal area already feels likes it is burned inside and watching these guys just put me over the edge.

Unfortunately we are having to cut the trip short because the hot water heater is broken and we can only be smelly for a few nights.

But yeah for getting away, yeah for the cabin, yeah for relatives to entertain me and my kids and yeah for conference.