Dave and I went to Malad, ID this week for a memorial service for his sister Linda's husband. Without going into details here -- we had never met him and knew pretty much nothing about him.
It was the first time I've been at a graveside service of a total stranger. I knew I would be teary, because I'm teary any time anyone else is teary, but I had an experience I was not expecting.
It was a short service, with just two people giving a life sketch and telling stories about him. It was touching and sweet and was nice to hear about his life and good times in his life because things had been pretty hard for him. I felt sad as I watched his nieces and nephews and mom cry. I was touched by the words that were said... but obviously didn't feel the emotion I felt at funerals of those close to me.
But when the man who dedicated his grave began the dedication the most amazing spirit fell upon the graveside. It was like heaven and earth came immediately became one and I could just feel this closeness to the other side. I had just assumed that the reason I felt such peace and deep emotions and spiritual feelings at my mom's and other funerals was because of the love I had for them, but I realized as I was standing there listening to the dedication of a total stranger that regardless of who it is -- the before, during and after are all so close and intermixed.
As soon as the man said "Amen" the very pressing presence was gone -- there were still tears and tenderness from those who knew him, but that over powering spirit was gone for me.
When I was talking to Dave about it that night and trying to explain how I felt and how surprised I was by the emotion, he reminded me that the dedication of a grave is a priesthood ordinance, and when he started the prayer he was invoking the power of the priesthood. It was the priesthood power that invited the spirit so strongly, regardless of religion or how well we knew the person or anything... the power of the priesthood was invited to be there and was felt by everyone.
I guess the priesthood ordinances I am so used to are blessings, baptisms, temple work ... times and places I'm expecting to feel that amazing feeling ... pretty great to be reminded of how amazing the priesthood and spirit are and how intermixed this life and heaven really are.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Love it!
Is there anything better than fresh squeezed OJ? Even when I was pregnant with Cameron I loved it. Yeah for cases of oranges in the winter!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
You're Never Too Old to be a Princess!
Lauren and her friends decided to join the other 200+ "little" girls in Bountiful who attended the various Princess Parties held during Cinderella. They borrowed prom dresses and had a great time... "helping the Lyman girls" at the party!
Friday, January 21, 2011
As for mistakes... I've made a few...
I remember when I was about 17 thinking that when I look back on my life I just don't ever want to regret the decisions I've made. (I'm not a good decision maker... maybe that is part of it.)
The other day I was thinking about some decisions I've had to make that were hard me to make and wondered if I lived up to my hope to never look back and regret. Fortunately for the most part I have no big regrets (not that I haven't made a lot of mistakes) ... but I still have an aching worry that I may have missed one big one.
(And kids... if you ever read this 40 years from now when I'm dead... which I hope you do because this is the only reason I am doing this blog... I hope you have learned something from me.)
NO REGRETS
Listening to my mom... or not listening to my mom: I remember two distinct times when my mom gave me advice (or rules) and I had the choice to follow them... or sneak around the situation and be deceptive and do what I wanted to do. One involved a slumber party (that went bad and gratefully I wasn't there) and one involved a boy I was dating. In both cases I followed my moms' advice (against what I wanted to do) and saved myself a lot of heart ache.
BYU vs. Utah State: I knew when I graduated I wanted to go to either BYU or Utah State, and inside I knew that BYU was my first choice. I got a 4-year full tuition scholarship to Utah State and only a 2-year full tuition to BYU. I remember talking to my mom about it and she said that I should go where I really wanted to go, and not make the decision based on scholarships only. I did and chose BYU and never regretted a single second of it. Everything a person should get out of their college experience. Great education, life long friends that I still see regularly... everything I wanted it to be.
What to Major In: Very tough decision for me, but in looking back I think it was a good choice and definitely has added some great things to my life.
Whether or not to take those 2 jobs that were a lot of money, but lots of travel: Twice I was offered jobs that seemed like ideal wonderful jobs, for significantly more money than I was currently making. Even though Dave and other trusted people felt like they were ok, I just didn't feel good about them. Turns out my mom died 4 months after I would have been traveling significantly and I had so many weekends, dinners and fun times with her those last few months. In both cases as I look back now I can see exactly why I was supposed to just stay where I was.
REGRETS:
In-vitro #2 or no invitro: This one I definitely regret and am not sure I will ever fully reconcile. Maybe at some point I will feel ok about it, but I am not to that point right now. Deciding to do in-vitro was an incredibly difficult decision for me -- to say the least. We both felt so great and so sure about adoption. There was never any question as to if we were doing the right thing once we started down that path when we adopted the girls.
Dave really didn't want us to do in-vitro, but said he would do whatever. I fasted, I prayed, I cried, I made up my mind, I changed my mind, and changed it again. Honestly, if it weren't for a couple of great friends and a fabulous nurse I would never have done it. It actually takes my breath away (in a bad way) to know that I was so close to not doing what I needed to do to have Cameron in our family.
Dave and I had agreed that we would do in-vitro one time. If it worked great.. if it didn't, that was ok too. Neither of us had ever really felt like infertility was the path we were supposed to take so we agreed we would give it one shot. Beacause they could really never find anything wrong with either of us, I really thought after I had Cameron that my body would kick in and I would get pregnant and stay pregnant on my own. I had so many people tell me that after they adopted and/or did in-vitro they got pregnant. I had been pregnant a couple of times (and miscarried) I guess it was my own desire, but I really thought that would happen. Well... obviously it didn't. I kept waiting and trying and waiting and trying and now Cameron is almost 7, I'm 44 and I'm pretty sure I missed my opportunity. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids more than anything in this world and wouldn't trade them or the way they got here for anything!!!
I guess I just pray if there really was another Hess child for us that Heavenly Father would have found a way to get him/her here whether through pregnancy or adoption. I always feel like I've been kicked in the stomach when my kids say they wish we had more kids. I finally had to talk to Lauren about how hard we tried to do what Heavenly Father wanted us to do when it came to having our family and I had to put it in the Lord's hands a long time ago. Dave still can't understand how after 20 years of thinking "I might be pregnant this month" and not being pregnant, that I can still tear up the day I know I'm not pregnant. (And honestly, if I were pregnant at 44 Dave would probably die and I'd be a single mom!)
I envy those that feel like they have just the right amount of kids and felt "done." I've never felt that way and I don't know if it is because I wasn't supposed to be "done" or if everything is just as it is. I just hope I wasn't so busy with the trivial things in life, that I missed something that I was supposed to have done.
TBD:
To sell or to remodel. I don't need to say any more about this one. Still don't know if we have done, are doing or will do the right thing. Multiple times we felt like we had made our decision, and yet it hasn't worked out. ... but we haven't felt good about just staying put. Hmmm.... not sure what that means!!!
The other day I was thinking about some decisions I've had to make that were hard me to make and wondered if I lived up to my hope to never look back and regret. Fortunately for the most part I have no big regrets (not that I haven't made a lot of mistakes) ... but I still have an aching worry that I may have missed one big one.
(And kids... if you ever read this 40 years from now when I'm dead... which I hope you do because this is the only reason I am doing this blog... I hope you have learned something from me.)
NO REGRETS
Listening to my mom... or not listening to my mom: I remember two distinct times when my mom gave me advice (or rules) and I had the choice to follow them... or sneak around the situation and be deceptive and do what I wanted to do. One involved a slumber party (that went bad and gratefully I wasn't there) and one involved a boy I was dating. In both cases I followed my moms' advice (against what I wanted to do) and saved myself a lot of heart ache.
BYU vs. Utah State: I knew when I graduated I wanted to go to either BYU or Utah State, and inside I knew that BYU was my first choice. I got a 4-year full tuition scholarship to Utah State and only a 2-year full tuition to BYU. I remember talking to my mom about it and she said that I should go where I really wanted to go, and not make the decision based on scholarships only. I did and chose BYU and never regretted a single second of it. Everything a person should get out of their college experience. Great education, life long friends that I still see regularly... everything I wanted it to be.
What to Major In: Very tough decision for me, but in looking back I think it was a good choice and definitely has added some great things to my life.
Whether or not to take those 2 jobs that were a lot of money, but lots of travel: Twice I was offered jobs that seemed like ideal wonderful jobs, for significantly more money than I was currently making. Even though Dave and other trusted people felt like they were ok, I just didn't feel good about them. Turns out my mom died 4 months after I would have been traveling significantly and I had so many weekends, dinners and fun times with her those last few months. In both cases as I look back now I can see exactly why I was supposed to just stay where I was.
REGRETS:
In-vitro #2 or no invitro: This one I definitely regret and am not sure I will ever fully reconcile. Maybe at some point I will feel ok about it, but I am not to that point right now. Deciding to do in-vitro was an incredibly difficult decision for me -- to say the least. We both felt so great and so sure about adoption. There was never any question as to if we were doing the right thing once we started down that path when we adopted the girls.
Dave really didn't want us to do in-vitro, but said he would do whatever. I fasted, I prayed, I cried, I made up my mind, I changed my mind, and changed it again. Honestly, if it weren't for a couple of great friends and a fabulous nurse I would never have done it. It actually takes my breath away (in a bad way) to know that I was so close to not doing what I needed to do to have Cameron in our family.
Dave and I had agreed that we would do in-vitro one time. If it worked great.. if it didn't, that was ok too. Neither of us had ever really felt like infertility was the path we were supposed to take so we agreed we would give it one shot. Beacause they could really never find anything wrong with either of us, I really thought after I had Cameron that my body would kick in and I would get pregnant and stay pregnant on my own. I had so many people tell me that after they adopted and/or did in-vitro they got pregnant. I had been pregnant a couple of times (and miscarried) I guess it was my own desire, but I really thought that would happen. Well... obviously it didn't. I kept waiting and trying and waiting and trying and now Cameron is almost 7, I'm 44 and I'm pretty sure I missed my opportunity. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids more than anything in this world and wouldn't trade them or the way they got here for anything!!!
I guess I just pray if there really was another Hess child for us that Heavenly Father would have found a way to get him/her here whether through pregnancy or adoption. I always feel like I've been kicked in the stomach when my kids say they wish we had more kids. I finally had to talk to Lauren about how hard we tried to do what Heavenly Father wanted us to do when it came to having our family and I had to put it in the Lord's hands a long time ago. Dave still can't understand how after 20 years of thinking "I might be pregnant this month" and not being pregnant, that I can still tear up the day I know I'm not pregnant. (And honestly, if I were pregnant at 44 Dave would probably die and I'd be a single mom!)
I envy those that feel like they have just the right amount of kids and felt "done." I've never felt that way and I don't know if it is because I wasn't supposed to be "done" or if everything is just as it is. I just hope I wasn't so busy with the trivial things in life, that I missed something that I was supposed to have done.
TBD:
To sell or to remodel. I don't need to say any more about this one. Still don't know if we have done, are doing or will do the right thing. Multiple times we felt like we had made our decision, and yet it hasn't worked out. ... but we haven't felt good about just staying put. Hmmm.... not sure what that means!!!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
ARGHH!@#... AHHH... ARGHH!@#.... AHHHH
ARGHH!@#: Getting ready to go skiing is not my definition of fun. Dragging the kids down to rent, Dave having too busy of a Tuesday to take work off and come with us, finding snow stuff, missing 4 sets of gloves, finding 3 that work, loading the car, packing lunch, getting the kids up and moving, getting myself up and moving, having to stop on the way up to Snowbird to find one more pair... I almost cancel skiing every time we plan it.
AHHH!!!!!: There is something amazing about getting about 1/3 of the way up either of the Cottonwood Canyons... the snow, the sun, the trees, the fresh air!! I am reminded of why 39 years later I still ski!
ARGHH!@#: Getting the boots on everyone and then pulling my left boot over my foot that I dropped a shelve on (still swollen and bruised... not sure why I consented to go skiing today), carrying the skis to the lift, sun blocking everyone, finding out the snow conditions are "very hard" (not icey, but hard is putting it lightly), starting to see Cam panic 1/2 way up the lift, getting Cameron off the lift and realizing he is already sobbing and we haven't moved 1/2 foot, putting him between my legs and skiing down, Cam still sobbing, panic in his eyes, we both get tangled up, Uncle Mike takes him since every time he looks at me he cries. Yup, 45 minutes to do one run on the bunny hill.
AHHH!!!! Cam getting to the bottom of the mountain and he finally has a smile on his face. The sun peaking up over the mountains, Cam's confidence in full force, Lauren and Kenzi doing great. Getting down the next run in 15 minutes, the next one in 10 minutes and by the end of the day making it in 5-7 minutes with Cam and Kenzi leaving me behind! Stopping in the sun to eat our candy bars, Cameron happily sharing his Kit Kat with Kenzie and Rachel, Kenzi dropping her pole off the lift and not even realizing it, singing "Here Comes the Sun" on the lift as the sun beats down on our faces, Cameron repeating 10 times this is the best ski day ever... this is why I love the ski!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Oak Hills Afternoon Carpool #1 Song of the Year... and the Winner is...
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy... by Jack Conte
(the male 1/2 of Pomplamoose)
To say the least, I have a pretty loud/wild afternoon carpool. Five boys (6th grade, 4th grade and three 1st graders) and then Paige and me! They are loud, they all try to talk over the other person and they are all pretty opinionated. Don't get me wrong they are all very entertaining and today gave me chocolate and gum -- and I love their energy and excitement. (It must be something about the afternoons because the Jr. High carpool -- that only consists of 2-3 kids feels equally as loud some days.)
During the holidays I found a fabulous song that they beg for when they get in the car. They fight over who gets "to do drums" and as soon as I turn it on they all stop talking/screaming and they "air play" the song.
Yesterday for some reason they got in the car and everyone was talking (loudly) no one was listening and is was chaotic... I switched on the song and within 2 seconds it was silent!!!
Love this song... (not so much the video with it)... highly recommend it for any rambunctious carpool. (or not so wild carpool -- my morning Valley Viewer girls like it too!!!). If you want to listen go to You Tube and put in Jack Conte Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies.
(I guess this is more of a refined version of my AC/DC days of driving to Solitude to ski or eating chocolate chip cookies with my roommate Sue while driving around Provo singing to "Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution.)
(the male 1/2 of Pomplamoose)
To say the least, I have a pretty loud/wild afternoon carpool. Five boys (6th grade, 4th grade and three 1st graders) and then Paige and me! They are loud, they all try to talk over the other person and they are all pretty opinionated. Don't get me wrong they are all very entertaining and today gave me chocolate and gum -- and I love their energy and excitement. (It must be something about the afternoons because the Jr. High carpool -- that only consists of 2-3 kids feels equally as loud some days.)
During the holidays I found a fabulous song that they beg for when they get in the car. They fight over who gets "to do drums" and as soon as I turn it on they all stop talking/screaming and they "air play" the song.
Yesterday for some reason they got in the car and everyone was talking (loudly) no one was listening and is was chaotic... I switched on the song and within 2 seconds it was silent!!!
Love this song... (not so much the video with it)... highly recommend it for any rambunctious carpool. (or not so wild carpool -- my morning Valley Viewer girls like it too!!!). If you want to listen go to You Tube and put in Jack Conte Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies.
(I guess this is more of a refined version of my AC/DC days of driving to Solitude to ski or eating chocolate chip cookies with my roommate Sue while driving around Provo singing to "Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution.)
Monday, January 10, 2011
4 Down... 4 to Go... Things I've Learned Watching Cinderella
As I was watching Cinderella for the 7th time tonight (including a couple of dress rehearsals), I learned a few things about myself:
1. I am just a hopeless romantic. I tear up every night during the transformation scene! Hallmark commercials make me cry and I don't think I could ever watch Pride & Prejudice, Anne of Green Gables or While You Were Sleeping too many times.
2. I love happy endings... and I cry at the end of every play. Whether it is Bountiful High's Cinderella, Oak Hills school play or Broadway Lion King, let me watch the final applause and curtain call and tears will come to my eyes. Not sure what this means.
3. I love watching my kids do things they love. I used to think my siblings were crazy when they watched endless soccer games... but now I don't want to miss any of Lauren's. If you would have told me I'd see Cinderella 11 times in 2 weeks I'd say you are crazy... and yet I am happily going to watch Cinderella 11 times in 2 weeks -- just so I can watch sweet Kenzi (in the few scenes she is in).
4. Nothing is better than watching my kids support each other. Cameron has now seen Cinderella 4 times and he claps loudly at any part Kenzi is in and yells Kenzi's name during the bows each night. You would think it was the first time he has ever seen her on stage by his excitement.
5. There is just something about High School plays. The "cat calls" in the kissing scenes, the best friends yelling out during the play, the "mobbing" in the foyer after, the super proud parents.
1. I am just a hopeless romantic. I tear up every night during the transformation scene! Hallmark commercials make me cry and I don't think I could ever watch Pride & Prejudice, Anne of Green Gables or While You Were Sleeping too many times.
2. I love happy endings... and I cry at the end of every play. Whether it is Bountiful High's Cinderella, Oak Hills school play or Broadway Lion King, let me watch the final applause and curtain call and tears will come to my eyes. Not sure what this means.
3. I love watching my kids do things they love. I used to think my siblings were crazy when they watched endless soccer games... but now I don't want to miss any of Lauren's. If you would have told me I'd see Cinderella 11 times in 2 weeks I'd say you are crazy... and yet I am happily going to watch Cinderella 11 times in 2 weeks -- just so I can watch sweet Kenzi (in the few scenes she is in).
4. Nothing is better than watching my kids support each other. Cameron has now seen Cinderella 4 times and he claps loudly at any part Kenzi is in and yells Kenzi's name during the bows each night. You would think it was the first time he has ever seen her on stage by his excitement.
5. There is just something about High School plays. The "cat calls" in the kissing scenes, the best friends yelling out during the play, the "mobbing" in the foyer after, the super proud parents.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Kenzi you are Crazy!
Background -- blizzard, snowing, 30 degrees. Kenzi at her friend's house with my picking her up.
Mom: Looking down at Kenzi's little slip on shoes she wore, "Kenzi your shoes are going to get soaked getting to the car."
Kenzi: "Ok, I'll just take them off." Slips off shoes and runs to the car barefoot. Gets in the car freezing cranking up the heater to warm her feet.
Next morning. 9:30 am -- snowy and cold. Heading out the door to play practice.
Mom: Looking at Kenzi in flip flops. "Kenzi you can't wear flip flops over to the school."
Kenzi: "Ok" as she takes them off and runs out the door barefoot.
Really?!?!?!
Mom: Looking down at Kenzi's little slip on shoes she wore, "Kenzi your shoes are going to get soaked getting to the car."
Kenzi: "Ok, I'll just take them off." Slips off shoes and runs to the car barefoot. Gets in the car freezing cranking up the heater to warm her feet.
Next morning. 9:30 am -- snowy and cold. Heading out the door to play practice.
Mom: Looking at Kenzi in flip flops. "Kenzi you can't wear flip flops over to the school."
Kenzi: "Ok" as she takes them off and runs out the door barefoot.
Really?!?!?!
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