Sunday, January 13, 2019
One and Done... No! Two and through ... I guess not!
My numbers really never dropped very good through chemo last year. They slowly dropped until about April or May and then started rising.
That should have been my first clue.
When I started on the awful PARP inhibitor in August I prayed that would help. Even though I was tired and nauseas and miserable I thought it would be worth it if it would work. Dropping dosages 3 times and 4 months later I feel good. I feel really good. But apparently my insides are doing something different.
My numbers keep creeping up (some months jumping up) and a CT and a biopsy that came back negative aren't giving the answers.
I met with Dr Z last week and she does feel a lymph node/lump in my groin area. Because it doesn't appear to be where they did the biopsy or where the scan showed it, she isn't sure what to think. But my CA 125 jumped aother 18 points so we know there is something going on.
For now here is the plan.
January 22: MRI
If it shows what she feels possibly do surgery to remove it.
If it is cancer, probably start chemo.
Really? Really? Really?
How many times can I fool myself in my head to think that maybe, just maybe this time will be the las. My awesome trip to Hawaii was awesome! I loved it! I didn't think of cancer much at all! I felt good and was so happy to be in paradise with family!
But I knew in the back of my head it wouldn't last.
I had a very blunt conversation with the incredible Dr. Z.
Wac-a-Mole
This is what we will do. Play human Wac-a-Tumor.
Hopefully if this is a tumor we can remove and keep another one coming back for a while. And the do it for another one. And another.
Part of me wants to cry.
Part of me wants to feel sorry for myself.
Part of me knows everyone has hard things in their lives and I don't have the corner on difficulty.
Part of me knows in the long, long, eternal run it will all be ok.
Part of me thinks I can do this again.
All of me doesn't quite know what to do!
So when I think about it I have a couple of solutions. I'm going to go to the temple once a week. I need that extra peace and I love it there! I'm going to go see a counselor. I need to process this and deal with it in a positive way.
And I'm going to start writing in my blog again. Writing my thoughts for me is therapy. I feel bad that Jen and Dave and my awesome friends have to listen to my latest update and my news and my worries and fears. I know they don't mind, but I hate doing it.
So hopefully expressing it on paper will help me!
Awkward and Funny Cancer Moment #1, #2 and #3
I preface any "Awkward Cancer Moment" posts with the following:
1. I'm kind of a morbid/open person.
2. This blog is for me and my journal and for me to remember, laugh and learn from this whole experience. If I offend anyone who happens to read it I am sorry, but for me openness and laughter are very healing.
Moment #1: The weekend before I was diagnosed with cancer I was in Las Vegas with Lauren for a soccer tournament. We stayed with my handsome nephew Adam and his family on Saturday night. He is a PA and I was talking to him Sunday morning about my cramps I was having. I told him I was going to go to a Dr. when I got home and I thought I had either gas, cysts on my ovaries or ovarian cancer. Of course I was completely joking about Ovarian cancer. We laughed and he said "I hope it isn't Ovarian cancer cause it is very deadly and I may never see you again." Ha ha!
Moment #2: How Did you Tell Dave you Had Cancer? Like any good wife I texted him. I know, very selfish of me and as I look back I laugh. But when I was in having the ultrasound and I could tell by the technician's behavior that I didn't have uterine fibroids -- I knew from a symptom checker it was likely Ovarian cancer. Little did I know Dave was in the dentist chair getting a shot. Not the best way to share your cancer news.
1. I'm kind of a morbid/open person.
2. This blog is for me and my journal and for me to remember, laugh and learn from this whole experience. If I offend anyone who happens to read it I am sorry, but for me openness and laughter are very healing.
Moment #1: The weekend before I was diagnosed with cancer I was in Las Vegas with Lauren for a soccer tournament. We stayed with my handsome nephew Adam and his family on Saturday night. He is a PA and I was talking to him Sunday morning about my cramps I was having. I told him I was going to go to a Dr. when I got home and I thought I had either gas, cysts on my ovaries or ovarian cancer. Of course I was completely joking about Ovarian cancer. We laughed and he said "I hope it isn't Ovarian cancer cause it is very deadly and I may never see you again." Ha ha!
Moment #2: How Did you Tell Dave you Had Cancer? Like any good wife I texted him. I know, very selfish of me and as I look back I laugh. But when I was in having the ultrasound and I could tell by the technician's behavior that I didn't have uterine fibroids -- I knew from a symptom checker it was likely Ovarian cancer. Little did I know Dave was in the dentist chair getting a shot. Not the best way to share your cancer news.
Almost 30 years later...
Here are my cute BYU Freshman year roommates. Love, love, love them!!! We all shared an apartment in Wells Hall. I knew Anne and Julie from high school -- but Simone and Sue were new to me. We all lived together until each person got married.
Julie got married after our freshman year, Anne and I went to BYU Hawaii after our freshman year and then she got married our Sophmore year, Simone got married after our after our Sophmore year and then Sue and I were together on and off until I got married 1 1/2 years after I graduated. (Oh the stories that Sue and I could tell about each other -- she was one of the reasons I made it through college.)
Between us we have 20 kids, 4 grand kids, death of 3 mothers and one dad, one set of divorced parents, one divorce, a death of a spouse, cancer, a house fire, lots of ups and downs and so much fun!!!
Julie's daughter and Lauren play soccer together so I see her all of the time, and Sue has been one of my chemo buddies this year -- but we all at least try to get together at least once a year.
Thanksgiving 2012 -- California!!
I love Thanksgiving with family! It really is one of my favorite holidays.
This year we got to enjoy an 8-day trip to California to stay with the Jones', have a great Thanksgiving, go to Disneyland, the beach, hang out at the pool, celebrate Lolo's birthday, wander through the Getty, play game after game, eat a ton, then head to San Diego for Lauren's soccer tournament, enjoy the gorgeous hotel pool and hot tub, eat a ton again (found the best fish taco place ever in La Jolla), see the Sea Lions and just relax!
Ray and Cathy and the Jones are the most accomodating, wonderful people to stay with -- I always feel so relaxed when I leave there.
Lauren's soccer friend Savannah came with us -- we are kind of switching around Thanksgiving tournaments with them -- and she was great. She had never been to Disnelyand so great Uncle Ray took care of that.
It felt so good -- to feel good enough to be there!
This year we got to enjoy an 8-day trip to California to stay with the Jones', have a great Thanksgiving, go to Disneyland, the beach, hang out at the pool, celebrate Lolo's birthday, wander through the Getty, play game after game, eat a ton, then head to San Diego for Lauren's soccer tournament, enjoy the gorgeous hotel pool and hot tub, eat a ton again (found the best fish taco place ever in La Jolla), see the Sea Lions and just relax!
Ray and Cathy and the Jones are the most accomodating, wonderful people to stay with -- I always feel so relaxed when I leave there.
Lauren's soccer friend Savannah came with us -- we are kind of switching around Thanksgiving tournaments with them -- and she was great. She had never been to Disnelyand so great Uncle Ray took care of that.
It felt so good -- to feel good enough to be there!
Happy 22nd Anniversary -- Father & Sons -- Meteors Shows oh my!
On the 11th Dave and I celebrated our 22nd Anniversary at Deer Valley. This year we enjoyed Pink Martini with the symphony -- loved them. We've actually done this for our anniversary several years and I love the concerts up there.
After we enjoyed a romantic evening at the cabin with the kids, my dad, and Tara/Gavin/Emma. DAve and Cam had been at Father and Sons at Strawberry so we just met them at the cabin Saturday night. Despite the current state of the cabin exterior remodeling, we had a fun time sleeping on the deck, Kenzi and I watching the meteor shower at 4am and playing games and relaxing. We also enjoyed Kenzi's amazing Bendaroos creation.
After we enjoyed a romantic evening at the cabin with the kids, my dad, and Tara/Gavin/Emma. DAve and Cam had been at Father and Sons at Strawberry so we just met them at the cabin Saturday night. Despite the current state of the cabin exterior remodeling, we had a fun time sleeping on the deck, Kenzi and I watching the meteor shower at 4am and playing games and relaxing. We also enjoyed Kenzi's amazing Bendaroos creation.
My OCD ... Ovarian Cancer Diagnosis
I found old drafts -- don't know if I ever published them so I'm publishing all of them now!
**********************
I've decided it is time to make sure I write down the events leading up to and the awful, awful few days when I first found out about my cancer. It honestly feels like it was years ago, not just 2 months ago.
July 2012: Starting having night sweats... really bad. I don't know if this was when it started or if there is any correlation -- it is just the only out of the ordinary thing that I can think of that might be related.
December 2012: Just a few days before the cruise I woke up with super intense stomach pains. One morning I was actually up in bed crying it hurt so bad. Kind of felt like cramps and stomach flu together -- without the sickness. At the time our house was under contract to be sold, we hadn't found a new house to buy, I was trying to get us ready for the cruise and Christmas. By 10:00 am ish each morning the cramps would be gone so I didn't think anything about it. I just assumed it was stress since it would go away each day.
As soon as we got to San Juan and on the cruise the stomach pain went away. I was sure it had just been stress.
Post Cruise 2012: When we got home from the cruise I didn't feel great. I was a little seasick on the cruise and my head was spinning for a week or two after we got home. Thought it was a bit strange it was taking me so long to feel good again. After the cruise Jenn had a hysterectomy. For years they've been worried about cancer for her, and finally decided just to remove everything. Didn't think one thing about me needing to be worried.
January 2012: I felt like I had gained weight -- which would make sense with the cruise and Christmas. I cut way down on eating, made sure I exercised each day and did lots of "ab" workouts. My stomach area seemed to be getting fat no matter what I did. I was due for an annual exam and felt like I should go to my obgyn for the exam and not my regular Dr. Dr. Brown is wonderful but she books out about a year for a check-up.
January 25: Woke up in the night and my stonach was as hard as a rock. It felt like a cramp that wouldn't loosen up. It didn't really hurt -- just felt abnormal. I woke Dave up and had him feel it. It definitely was hard as a rock. We decided as soon as I got back from a soccer I'd make sure I made my Dr. appointment for a check up. Starting looking up symptoms on the internet for what I'd been feeling. Several things came back including Ovarian Cancer. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be that.
January 27 - January 29: I took Lauren, Savannah and Amanda to a soccer tournament in Las Vegas. Jenn came with us for company on the drive and stayed with Adam. We had a great time -- went shopping, to dinner, watched soccer and I even worked out in the hotel gym a few times. I had started my period and decided the stomach cramps I'd had earlier in the week must have been that.
Saturday night we spent the night with Adam and Stacy. I was talking to Adam and was telling him when I got home from the trip I was going to see a Dr. for a checkup. I told him I thought I had a food allergy/gas, fibroid tumors or Ovarian Cancer. I of course was kidding about the Ovarian Cancer. We joked about it and how bad it would be if I did have cancer. Guess it really wasn't that funny afterall.
January 30: Called Dr. Brown's office for a check-up. Of course, getting in would be difficult. They'd put me on a waiting list and when Joyce her nurse (and my friend) got back from a trip they'd have her figure out a time they could work me in.
January 31: Got a call from Dr. Brown's office. They had a cancellation that day and if I could be there in an hour I could have the appointment. Feeling a little stupid and worried I was making a big deal out of nothing, I said yes and made arrangements to get there.
Had my check up and other than my uterus was definitely enlarged (about the size of a 4 month pregnant woman) everything else looked very healthy. Vaginal exam felt normal and I seemed to be healthy. Dr. Brown said there was a good chance I had Uterine Fibroids and the only way they would know for sure was to do an ultrasound. They made an appointment the next day for me to have an ultrasound.
That night I was telling some of the women I serve with in YW about the ultrasound an fibroids. For some reason I started crying. I assumed it was just because I was relieved that my "internet search diagnosis" of ovarian cancer was not going to come true.
February 1:
**********************
I've decided it is time to make sure I write down the events leading up to and the awful, awful few days when I first found out about my cancer. It honestly feels like it was years ago, not just 2 months ago.
July 2012: Starting having night sweats... really bad. I don't know if this was when it started or if there is any correlation -- it is just the only out of the ordinary thing that I can think of that might be related.
December 2012: Just a few days before the cruise I woke up with super intense stomach pains. One morning I was actually up in bed crying it hurt so bad. Kind of felt like cramps and stomach flu together -- without the sickness. At the time our house was under contract to be sold, we hadn't found a new house to buy, I was trying to get us ready for the cruise and Christmas. By 10:00 am ish each morning the cramps would be gone so I didn't think anything about it. I just assumed it was stress since it would go away each day.
As soon as we got to San Juan and on the cruise the stomach pain went away. I was sure it had just been stress.
Post Cruise 2012: When we got home from the cruise I didn't feel great. I was a little seasick on the cruise and my head was spinning for a week or two after we got home. Thought it was a bit strange it was taking me so long to feel good again. After the cruise Jenn had a hysterectomy. For years they've been worried about cancer for her, and finally decided just to remove everything. Didn't think one thing about me needing to be worried.
January 2012: I felt like I had gained weight -- which would make sense with the cruise and Christmas. I cut way down on eating, made sure I exercised each day and did lots of "ab" workouts. My stomach area seemed to be getting fat no matter what I did. I was due for an annual exam and felt like I should go to my obgyn for the exam and not my regular Dr. Dr. Brown is wonderful but she books out about a year for a check-up.
January 25: Woke up in the night and my stonach was as hard as a rock. It felt like a cramp that wouldn't loosen up. It didn't really hurt -- just felt abnormal. I woke Dave up and had him feel it. It definitely was hard as a rock. We decided as soon as I got back from a soccer I'd make sure I made my Dr. appointment for a check up. Starting looking up symptoms on the internet for what I'd been feeling. Several things came back including Ovarian Cancer. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be that.
January 27 - January 29: I took Lauren, Savannah and Amanda to a soccer tournament in Las Vegas. Jenn came with us for company on the drive and stayed with Adam. We had a great time -- went shopping, to dinner, watched soccer and I even worked out in the hotel gym a few times. I had started my period and decided the stomach cramps I'd had earlier in the week must have been that.
Saturday night we spent the night with Adam and Stacy. I was talking to Adam and was telling him when I got home from the trip I was going to see a Dr. for a checkup. I told him I thought I had a food allergy/gas, fibroid tumors or Ovarian Cancer. I of course was kidding about the Ovarian Cancer. We joked about it and how bad it would be if I did have cancer. Guess it really wasn't that funny afterall.
January 30: Called Dr. Brown's office for a check-up. Of course, getting in would be difficult. They'd put me on a waiting list and when Joyce her nurse (and my friend) got back from a trip they'd have her figure out a time they could work me in.
January 31: Got a call from Dr. Brown's office. They had a cancellation that day and if I could be there in an hour I could have the appointment. Feeling a little stupid and worried I was making a big deal out of nothing, I said yes and made arrangements to get there.
Had my check up and other than my uterus was definitely enlarged (about the size of a 4 month pregnant woman) everything else looked very healthy. Vaginal exam felt normal and I seemed to be healthy. Dr. Brown said there was a good chance I had Uterine Fibroids and the only way they would know for sure was to do an ultrasound. They made an appointment the next day for me to have an ultrasound.
That night I was telling some of the women I serve with in YW about the ultrasound an fibroids. For some reason I started crying. I assumed it was just because I was relieved that my "internet search diagnosis" of ovarian cancer was not going to come true.
February 1:
Cam ... Big 12
Favorite food: crab
Favorite movie:
Favorite song: Hold each other by Great Big World
Favorite thing to do:
Favorite Scripture: John 15:13 greater love hath no man
Favorite Sport: basketball
Nickname: Chito
Inspirational Quotes by Chito
Favorite movie:
Favorite song: Hold each other by Great Big World
Favorite thing to do:
Favorite Scripture: John 15:13 greater love hath no man
Favorite Sport: basketball
Nickname: Chito
Inspirational Quotes by Chito
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