If we can laugh at it, we can live with it!
I heard this quote on a BYU Devotional today -- LOVE IT!!
I know I'm a bit morbid about my cancer and mortality, etc -- and I think at times it makes people uncomfortable. They don't know how to react.
But this sums it up. If I can laugh at it -- I can live with it! I don't have a choice about what happens to me so if I can joke and laugh and accept it is easier. It isn't dark, it isn't scary, it is just life.
I love that my kids joked about finding a new wife for Dave on ldssingles.com. I love that Dave and the kids could make jokes about my bald head and my anorexic looking body when I was so sick. I love that I can joke about whether or not I'll be around in 3 years.
This quote makes me feel better about our "sick" sense of humor!
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
The Perfect Day!
It isn't very often that you can actually say "I had a perfect day." But I think yesterday was one of those.
* Waking up to a clear, blue morning in California and having breakfast with Cathy -- one of my favorite people in the world.
* A relaxing morning -- no need to tell Lauren 100x that we need to go or Cameron that although he sounds great playing the piano he needs to go get ready.
* Driving to the beach under gorgeous, sunny skies -- not a cloud anywhere. Not even a drop of fog on the coast. We could even see Channel Islands. (Getting car sick winding through the canyon, but I didn't barf ... and if I had barfed I still have leftover barf bags from chemo in my car. How perfect is that!)
* Wandering through tide pools. Low tide was never super low, but it was low enough that we saw sea en enemies, lots of star fish and several sea crabs. (Ok, so Kenzi did drop her phone and camera in the water and they are probably ruined. But she didn't get upset. She was calm. She said "they are just a phone and camera." How perfect is that girl's attitude!!! Seeing her reaction and sweetness despite it really was perfect!)
* Zuma Beach in Malibu with hardly anyone around. Slight breeze, 70+ degrees.
* Porpoises swimming by ALL DAY LONG! I felt like I was in the front row of Sea World! So fun to watch everyone get excited all day about the porpoises.
* Dave and Cameron having lots of beach football games... with the girls and I joining in occasionally. Kenzi finally caught a long bomb and the look on her face was priceless.
* Lolo lounging in the sun -- heaven for her!
* Two long beach walks -- one with Kenzi and one with Dave.
* Watching Kenzi and Cameron boogie board. Coming from 30s and high winds made the beach feel hot to us. (Lots of people in sweaters and scarfs and boots.) Not Cam and Kenz. Spent about 45 minutes boogie boarding... and Cam even did a 2nd round later.
* Lauren creating Mermaids out of Cameron and Kenzi.
* Kids being old enough to not worry about them every second. Dave and I even took a couple mile walk while Lauren created the Mermaids.
* Lauren and Kenzi digging a huge hole... Lauren has always been a huge fan of digging on the beach and I love that even now she still loves to do it.
* Coming home to hot showers, followed by an amazing Tepanayki dinner with Ray & Cathy (my idols!). How the chef doesn't burn his hands and cut his fingers is beyond me. Soooo much food. Scallops, shrimp, steak, veggies. Mmmmmm.
* BYU Basketball with a great ending.
* Rummikub and off to bed. The kids were all worn out and by the time I got ready for bed and went to say goodnight they were all completely zonked!
* Really was a perfect day! I wouldn't change a thing. So much to be grateful for -- and so grateful for a perfect day of memories for me and my family!
* Waking up to a clear, blue morning in California and having breakfast with Cathy -- one of my favorite people in the world.
* A relaxing morning -- no need to tell Lauren 100x that we need to go or Cameron that although he sounds great playing the piano he needs to go get ready.
* Driving to the beach under gorgeous, sunny skies -- not a cloud anywhere. Not even a drop of fog on the coast. We could even see Channel Islands. (Getting car sick winding through the canyon, but I didn't barf ... and if I had barfed I still have leftover barf bags from chemo in my car. How perfect is that!)
* Wandering through tide pools. Low tide was never super low, but it was low enough that we saw sea en enemies, lots of star fish and several sea crabs. (Ok, so Kenzi did drop her phone and camera in the water and they are probably ruined. But she didn't get upset. She was calm. She said "they are just a phone and camera." How perfect is that girl's attitude!!! Seeing her reaction and sweetness despite it really was perfect!)
* Zuma Beach in Malibu with hardly anyone around. Slight breeze, 70+ degrees.
* Porpoises swimming by ALL DAY LONG! I felt like I was in the front row of Sea World! So fun to watch everyone get excited all day about the porpoises.
* Dave and Cameron having lots of beach football games... with the girls and I joining in occasionally. Kenzi finally caught a long bomb and the look on her face was priceless.
* Lolo lounging in the sun -- heaven for her!
* Two long beach walks -- one with Kenzi and one with Dave.
* Watching Kenzi and Cameron boogie board. Coming from 30s and high winds made the beach feel hot to us. (Lots of people in sweaters and scarfs and boots.) Not Cam and Kenz. Spent about 45 minutes boogie boarding... and Cam even did a 2nd round later.
* Lauren creating Mermaids out of Cameron and Kenzi.
* Kids being old enough to not worry about them every second. Dave and I even took a couple mile walk while Lauren created the Mermaids.
* Lauren and Kenzi digging a huge hole... Lauren has always been a huge fan of digging on the beach and I love that even now she still loves to do it.
* Coming home to hot showers, followed by an amazing Tepanayki dinner with Ray & Cathy (my idols!). How the chef doesn't burn his hands and cut his fingers is beyond me. Soooo much food. Scallops, shrimp, steak, veggies. Mmmmmm.
* BYU Basketball with a great ending.
* Rummikub and off to bed. The kids were all worn out and by the time I got ready for bed and went to say goodnight they were all completely zonked!
* Really was a perfect day! I wouldn't change a thing. So much to be grateful for -- and so grateful for a perfect day of memories for me and my family!
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
For a Minute I Actually Felt...
.... that I could actually live long enough to see Cameron graduate from high school, Lauren and Kenzi to get married and possibly go on a mission with Dave someday.
It didn't last for long -- but at least I had that glimmer of hope. Don't get me wrong -- I don't think I'm going to die next week. I don't even think I'll die next year. And I'm not depressed and worried about dying all of the time.
Since I've been diagnosed I've never felt like I was going to die from this, but I've never felt like I was going to beat it. I've just been neutral. Honestly never had an inclination one way or another.
But last week I had another CA 125... can't believe it has already been 6 weeks. A few days before my appointment I just found out one of my survivor friends isn't doing very well. She is having another recurrence and her tumors appear to be chemo resistant. She's not much older than me.
Generally I have to call the Dr office a day or two after to get my blood test so I was expecting to know maybe Thursday or Friday. On Wednesday morning the phone rang and it was Kristen... one of the PAs that I love. My heart just dropped when she told me who it was. In the last 1 1/2 years they've never called me with the result and usually it is an assistant that calls me back after I call them for the numbers.
She said your numbers look good and your CA 125 is .... 3 seconds before she could get it out. 3 seconds that felt like 10 hours. 3 seconds of a racing heart. 3 seconds of thinking oh shoot how am I going to tell the kids.
But then she said your CA 125 is 8. 8! 8!!!! That is what it was 2 months ago. That is a great number! That is a fabulous number.
I started breathing again. I told her that was the longest 3-5 seconds of my life.
When I hung up the phone for about 10 minutes I felt invincible. As my darling niece Mattie would sing "your gonna hear me roar!" The idea of me beating this felt real!!
Then for the next day I felt normal. I felt like a mom. Not a mom that has cancer, but a mom.
Unfortunately this freedom was pretty short lived. The next night I got a phone call from my sweet friend Rose's daughter. As soon as she said her name I knew why she was calling. Rose passed away. I knew her cancer was back, but I had just talked to her about 1 week earlier. She was heading home in her car (hands free talking of course.. she always clarified that) and was feeling good. She told me she trusted in the Lord and if it was her time to go she was ok with that. She also said I was in a different situation and that I needed to make sure I lived to raise my kids.
She went in the hospital on Sunday and died on Thursday. Her kids were going to pick her up to arrange hospice and possibly move her to California with them, but she never made it out of the hospital.
She and I were diagnosed around the same time. We went through chemo together. She was a wise, caring voice of reason and faith last fall when I most needed my faith strengthened.
Dave and I went to her viewing last night and it was harder than I thought -- not because of sadness for her. She was 77 and very ready to go and completely content with her life. But it reminded me I'm not invincible. That this rotten disease takes people. Quickly sometimes. That my CA 125 could be 8 today and 80 in a few months.
Today I guess I'm back to an in between state. I went to the temple with Lisa this morning and had one of those "overwhelming out pouring of the spirit" experiences. One that made it hard to breath. One that reminded me I'm loved. The He is aware of me. That my outcome -- whatever that may be -- long, short or in between is exactly what it is supposed to be!
It didn't last for long -- but at least I had that glimmer of hope. Don't get me wrong -- I don't think I'm going to die next week. I don't even think I'll die next year. And I'm not depressed and worried about dying all of the time.
Since I've been diagnosed I've never felt like I was going to die from this, but I've never felt like I was going to beat it. I've just been neutral. Honestly never had an inclination one way or another.
But last week I had another CA 125... can't believe it has already been 6 weeks. A few days before my appointment I just found out one of my survivor friends isn't doing very well. She is having another recurrence and her tumors appear to be chemo resistant. She's not much older than me.
Generally I have to call the Dr office a day or two after to get my blood test so I was expecting to know maybe Thursday or Friday. On Wednesday morning the phone rang and it was Kristen... one of the PAs that I love. My heart just dropped when she told me who it was. In the last 1 1/2 years they've never called me with the result and usually it is an assistant that calls me back after I call them for the numbers.
She said your numbers look good and your CA 125 is .... 3 seconds before she could get it out. 3 seconds that felt like 10 hours. 3 seconds of a racing heart. 3 seconds of thinking oh shoot how am I going to tell the kids.
But then she said your CA 125 is 8. 8! 8!!!! That is what it was 2 months ago. That is a great number! That is a fabulous number.
I started breathing again. I told her that was the longest 3-5 seconds of my life.
When I hung up the phone for about 10 minutes I felt invincible. As my darling niece Mattie would sing "your gonna hear me roar!" The idea of me beating this felt real!!
Then for the next day I felt normal. I felt like a mom. Not a mom that has cancer, but a mom.
Unfortunately this freedom was pretty short lived. The next night I got a phone call from my sweet friend Rose's daughter. As soon as she said her name I knew why she was calling. Rose passed away. I knew her cancer was back, but I had just talked to her about 1 week earlier. She was heading home in her car (hands free talking of course.. she always clarified that) and was feeling good. She told me she trusted in the Lord and if it was her time to go she was ok with that. She also said I was in a different situation and that I needed to make sure I lived to raise my kids.
She went in the hospital on Sunday and died on Thursday. Her kids were going to pick her up to arrange hospice and possibly move her to California with them, but she never made it out of the hospital.
She and I were diagnosed around the same time. We went through chemo together. She was a wise, caring voice of reason and faith last fall when I most needed my faith strengthened.
Dave and I went to her viewing last night and it was harder than I thought -- not because of sadness for her. She was 77 and very ready to go and completely content with her life. But it reminded me I'm not invincible. That this rotten disease takes people. Quickly sometimes. That my CA 125 could be 8 today and 80 in a few months.
Today I guess I'm back to an in between state. I went to the temple with Lisa this morning and had one of those "overwhelming out pouring of the spirit" experiences. One that made it hard to breath. One that reminded me I'm loved. The He is aware of me. That my outcome -- whatever that may be -- long, short or in between is exactly what it is supposed to be!
Thursday, October 31, 2013
It Feels so Great... to Feel So Great!!!
What an amazing day! The leaves are beautiful. The weather is gorgeous. There is candy and crazy costumes all over. And I feel fabulous! Really!!
I can honestly say I didn't know if I'd ever be able to say that again.
I'm working out every morning at 6:00 am. I am actually getting some muscle tone back!! My stomach is still a mess and so unattractive -- but at least getting a little muscle back. I don't have to nap every day. I still have chemo brain and am beginning to wonder if that will ever be normal -- but I really do feel good.
Several times this week as I've been driving around my heart just feels like it would explode. I'm alive. I got to watch Lauren play her sophomore season of soccer. I just did the class party in Cameron's 4th grade class. I get to watch Kenzi be an officer at school and listen to her sing.
Last October was such a struggle for me. Hormones (or lack of), Graves Disease (that I didn't know I had), depression, chemo yucky-ness... emotionally just really not sure where I would be down the road.
But at least for today I feel good. I got to watch Lauren ask her a boy to her first dance in December. I'm going to get to watch my dauaghter go on her first date! Life is good!
I can honestly say I didn't know if I'd ever be able to say that again.
I'm working out every morning at 6:00 am. I am actually getting some muscle tone back!! My stomach is still a mess and so unattractive -- but at least getting a little muscle back. I don't have to nap every day. I still have chemo brain and am beginning to wonder if that will ever be normal -- but I really do feel good.
Several times this week as I've been driving around my heart just feels like it would explode. I'm alive. I got to watch Lauren play her sophomore season of soccer. I just did the class party in Cameron's 4th grade class. I get to watch Kenzi be an officer at school and listen to her sing.
Last October was such a struggle for me. Hormones (or lack of), Graves Disease (that I didn't know I had), depression, chemo yucky-ness... emotionally just really not sure where I would be down the road.
But at least for today I feel good. I got to watch Lauren ask her a boy to her first dance in December. I'm going to get to watch my dauaghter go on her first date! Life is good!
Wedding... Road Trip to Boise and Washington
In August Cameron, Kenzi, Grandpa and Jacque and I hit the road and headed to Mandy and Theo's wedding. (Lauren had soccer -- of course -- so she and Dave stayed home.) We rented a great red van ... awesome! Everyone had a laptop or ipad or headphones and we had room galore -- and great snacks. We went to Boise and stayed with Rich and Gwen and their darling family. We made zucchini boats, raced them in the little river, fished and had such a great time. Wished we could have stayed a few days with them.
The next day we drove to Washington for Mandy's wedding. It was definitely an event not to be missed. Mandy didn't miss a thing.. it was gorgeous. The yard was perfect thanks to Janice and Josh, and it was great. Fun wedding dinner the night before, a little site seeing the morning of the wedding and a picture perfect outdoor wedding.
The next morning we hung out with the Walls, helped clean up, played with their "toys" and had a great time. We then headed back home with some stops along they way -- some totally cool waterfalls and a great little Mexican diner in some little Oregon town. We stopped at the Osguthorpes (although they were in Utah) and spent the night there. After church we saw the Boise Temple and headed back home.
What a great trip -- great company -- gorgeous scenery -- fabulous family and lots of fun!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)