Parable of the Bass Clarinet

In September Cam got a new bass clarinet from school. $2200 to be precise. He'd had an old, warn out one for a year.

The teacher "threatened their lives" if they didn't take care of it.

It was beautiful!

We had it for 24 hours ... and you know where this is going.

Yup!

Broken!

In half!

He was practicing in the kitchen and I asked him to come in to FHE. (So much for the blessings of FHE ha ha).

Unfortunately instead of laying it on the table or putting it away, he leaned it against the railing on the floor.

Still have no idea how this happened but it got caught on the railing and fell off the stairs and broke in half.

Oh my -- weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth doesn't quite describe the reaction from Cam with enough emotion.

(To shorten the story no the school didn't have insurance which I wish they had told us and because I didn't specifically tell our homeowners they wouldn't cover it either.)

Hours later I went down to talk to Cam who was in bed -- still very sad.

At the time we were planning our Christmas trip to Hawaii. He said he was so sorry and that he would just stay home from Hawaii because that is about how much everything would cost for him. My heart just broke for his sweetness.

I told him that this is a lot like the atonement. He broke something. In this case not intentionally, but out of carelessness. He can't repair it. He doesn't have the money to pay for it. He can't fix this by himself.

But dad and I can. Not that we have $2000 laying around with nothing to do with it. But we can help him. He can pay for part and we can pay for the rest. Together we can repay the school. It won't be painless for any of us. He needs to talk to his teacher and tell him. He will have to use his summer lawnmowing money to pay for a part of it. But together we will take care of it. The world won't end and we will make it right.

Every day that is the case for all of us. We do stuff, intentionally or unintentionally. We can't fix it on our own. We feel sorrow and pain, but we can't fix it on our own. But our Savior can and will. He feels the pain of it like we do, but He can fix it!

A scripture saves the day ... again!

I've set a goal to go to the temple once a week this year. So far... so good!

It is the one place that I can always feel peace and quit worrying and get perspective.

But yesterday I was in a funk. Not just about cancer, but life and a few things that I don't plan to share in my journal here or probIem.

When I first got to the temple I was feeling good and feeling the spirit. And then I started thinking about my cancer and kids and some of this other personal "stuff" that often weighs me down more than cancer actually.

It doesn't seem fair. It makes me feel like a failure. It makes me feel like maybe answers I thought I got weren't really answers, but what I wanted to hear. Honestly all of it sometimes makes me wonder if I have the ability at all to really know what I should do.

It was lovely being there but I definitely wasn't feeling it as I left. I know I'm loved by so many people and I feel Heavenly Father and the Savior so many times. But honestly because some of the sadness in my heart is so personal and hurts sometimes it makes me feel very sad and alone. 

So I decided to sit in the lobby and read some scriptures for a bit. I sat down and grabbed a triple combination. It was opened to D&C 6. Ok ... so it was exactly what I needed to hear and read. 

14 Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.

15 Behold, thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth;

16 Yea, I tell thee, that thou mayest know that there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart.

17 I tell thee these things as a witness unto thee—that the words or the work which thou hast been writing are true.

18 Therefore be diligent; stand by my servant Joseph, faithfully, in whatsoever difficult circumstances he may be for the word’s sake.

19 Admonish him in his faults, and also receive admonition of him. Be patient; be sober; be temperate; have patience, faith, hope and charity.

20 Behold, thou art Oliver, and I have spoken unto thee because of thy desires; therefore treasure up these words in thy heart. Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love.

21 Behold, I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I am the same that came unto mine own, and mine own received me not. I am the light which shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not.

22 Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.

23 Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?

24 And now, behold, you have received a witness; for if I have told you things which no man knoweth have you not received a witness?

Learning to live with a bomb about to go off!

Well by CA 125 is up again. MRI came back with nothing concerning, but CA 125 went up again almost another 20 points. At almost 100 now.

CT Scan scheduled for March.

In the meantime I kind of feel like I'm walking around with someone holding a gun to my head. Just waiting for them to pull the trigger. Morbid I know -- but it is something I'm having to learn to live with. And just enjoy the day to day and not worry about the future.

Easier said than done -- but it is true!