30 years ago I was a student at BYU Hawaii, and now 30 years later I'm back here for spring break. So as i watch my cute nieces on campus and redo some of the things I did long time ago, it's hard to believe its been 30 years. I would never have believed the joys the fun the sadness the painful experiences I would have been 30 years.
I've been having a few weird symptoms lately, and I'm beginning to worry a little bit about a recurrence. Part of me believes that this could never happen. ... the realities of cancer won't come back for me. And I really think about my mom and how afraid she was her cancer would come back. And it did.
The hardest part for me is the battle between fear and faith and reality. I really believe that I have the faith that if I should beat this disease I will, but maybe that's not what's in the plans for me. I think that's where the fear comes in. The fear of having faith to accept what happens.
As it has been from the beginning, I really think I'm okay with whatever, I just don't want to have pain for my children. I want their kids to have grandma. I want them to have a mom to go to after they're married and have pain or joy or to travel with. But my fear is that that might not happen. But I do have faith that whatever is supposed to happen will.
I know none of this makes sense. It doesn't totally make sense in my head. How can I fear and have faith at the same time? Gratefully I have 100% assurance of the longterm... being together. I just wish I knew what the short term held. And by short term I mean 50 years.
in the meantime I will just enjoy. Enjoy the beauty enjoy my family enjoy Hawaii. Try to keep the faith in front and the fear pushed in the back of my mind and heart.
