Spiritually Defining Memories

I loved the article by Neil L Anderson from General Conference April 2020. 

"When personal difficulties or world conditions beyond our control darken our path, the spiritually defining memories from our book of life are like luminous stones that help brighten the road ahead."

It made me think of a few of those moments in my life -- all very simple but very meaningful and important to me.

• The night before Beki Wale Wall died. I was in High School the fall Beki got very sick and was in the hospital, and we knew she wouldn't make it. One night I was at piano lessons with Mr. Eddings, and suddenly a huge wave of emotion came over me. I knew I had to leave, and I knew things weren't good -- I think it was the first time in my life that I ever had a feeling of emotion and of the Spirit like that. As soon as my lesson was over, I headed straight to the hospital. Things weren't good. Beki would soon be passing away. I remember going into the bathroom and in a stall just crying. My heart ached, and again for the first time in my life, I prayed in a pleading way. I wanted everything to be ok. I knew as I stood in there, crying that Heavenly Father knew me. He had let me know at piano what the situation was like at the hospital. I don't really know how to describe how I felt other than I knew He was aware of the sadness I was feeling for my brother and for Beki and everyone. And it helped just knowing He knew.

• BYU Hawaii. After my freshman year, I went to BYU Hawaii for Spring Term. It was fabulous! I loved it! I could write forever about it! Because I was taking Physical Science, Tennis, Surfing, and Hula I decided I should make a spiritual goal as well. I committed to reading the Book of Mormon while I was there for 2 months. I will never forget reading 3 Nephi in my bed one night. As I read about the Savior showing himself to the people, I felt peace and calm, and a warmth come over me. I knew it was true. I knew our Savior was real. I knew the Book of Mormon was testifying of him. I can't ever forget that or deny the testimony I received that night.

• After I'd been married about 1 year, I was sitting in the temple waiting to go into the Celestial room. I was just sitting there thinking -- nothing too spiritual or profound. Suddenly a thought popped into my head. "Stephanie, you aren't going to have children for a while." It startled me. I wasn't even thinking about kids at the moment. We weren't trying, but we weren't not trying. As we all know, Lauren was born almost  7 1/2 years after we got married. So many times during that period, I went back to that thought, and it gave me such comfort. Long before I was worried about not being able to start a family, Heavenly Father gave me that thought. He let me know it was all part of a plan. That I wasn't being ignored. Knowing (even though I didn't really understand) that Heavenly Father knew what was going to happen made the ups and downs and pains and concerns a little easier to deal with and made me know I was still cared for and was not forgotten.

• After being married about 2 years and not getting pregnant, I saw a Dr., and he gave me a fertility pill. The first month I took it, I got pregnant! Yay! This was going to be the best! I would be able to pick exactly when I would get pregnant, and the little bit of stress I was starting to feel was gone. I was pregnant and would be due March of the following year. I was so excited but so sick!!! I was nauseated 24/7. Ick!!! But knowing that it would result in what we had been waiting for made it ok. Even helped the fact that our Lake Powell trip that summer was a little rough with being sick and Dave not wanting me to ski or do much. That excitement all ended in August one night when I started spotting and ended up with a painful, long miscarriage. Physically I had no idea what was happening. I didn't realize I'd have labor pains and all of the physical trauma that went with it. After I finally had to have a DNC in the emergency room, I was physically and emotionally spent. And I was devastated! Terri was pregnant as well and due just a few weeks before me. I was so excited to be having a baby with a cousin the same age. I didn't also realize the hormones that would be raging inside of me. I went home and stayed with my parents for a few days so my mom could be with me. But sadness, loneliness, anger, and depression all started looming. I just wanted to cry all of the time. Finally, one evening I was alone in our apartment and so so sad. I can't explain it. I got on my knees and just prayed and prayed. I told Heavenly Father I couldn't feel like this anymore. As I was praying, a thought or voice or something came to my head and said: "Stephanie, I Love You!" A complete peace came over me. I knew that Heavenly Father and my Savior knew me. They knew my name. They knew my heart. They knew my pain. And somehow that changed everything for me. Again, it was ok that life was going as planned because I was loved and cared for a known!

• When my mom was in the hospital for about 3 weeks before she died, she was in a lot of pain. We knew she wasn't doing well, but I don't think I knew that she would die so quickly. We hadn't really talked about death yet. One night I was with her in her room, and she asked me to read to her from her scriptures. She was in Alma 40. I began reading, and it was so painful for me. It was talking about death. I didn't want to say the words out loud. I read Alma 40:11-12. It literally was breaking my heart to read these words
• 11 Now, concerning the ^astate of the soul between ^bdeath and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are ^ctaken ^dhome to that God who gave them life.
• 12 And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called ^bparadise, a state of rest, a state of ^cpeace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.
• But after I read those 2 verses, she asked me to reread them. So I reread them. And I think she asked me to read them one more time. As I read them to her, I could see a calm and comfort come over her. At that moment, she knew, and I knew she would be dying soon. But the peace of those words was amazing.. happiness, paradise, and peace. I believe those words gave her the courage to face what she was facing and helped remind her of the blessing she was about to receive. And it definitely helped me feel peace about where she was, that Heavenly Father knew we both needed to hear those words that night. And our Savior and our Heavenly Father were both very aware of both me and my mom. And once again I couldn't deny the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon.

• I'm not the best and listening and getting answers to prayers -- I guess I just don't listen well and know how to hear. It's always been a struggle for me. But every once in a while I do, and I LOVE IT! When I was in YW I learned that I would often receive answers early in the morning when I would wake up. If I had thoughts, I realized they were usually from the Spirit. But one of the most profound experiences I had of hearing an answer to prayer was so the most profound I had. When Kenzi and I were getting ready to go to France I kept all of our paperwork and passports together in a folder. I told her if we ever used them, we needed to put them right back. A few months before we left, Kenzi lost her license and needed to get a new one. We took her passport and other documents and put them in a big brown envelope and took them to get her license and then filed them away -- not remembering her passport was in there. The night before we were leaving for France, I went to get our passports so I could check us in on the plane. I opened the folder, and Kenzi's passport was gone. My stomach dropped, and I was sick to my stomach. No passport -- not travel. Kenz had run to the store, so I called her to ask if she knew where it was. I couldn't believe that after over a year of prep, we might not be going to France. Kenzi had no idea where it was, and we were both just devastated. I told her to quickly come home so we could look. After I hung up, I said a prayer. A totally clear picture popped in my head. I saw the envelope, I remembered taking it to Farmington to get Kenzi's license an I knew exactly where I had filed it away. I walked straight to the drawer, found the envelope, and got the passport. So many times since then, I remind myself that Heavenly and out Savior know us, They are there, they can help!

Chemo, cancer and corona ... Oh my!

I've been so bad for several years at keeping my journal. I've convinced myself that chatbooks are the same.

But with the current chemo, cancer and covid19 "stuff" I decided I need to start writing my thoughts and feelings again ... someplace. And since I lose notebooks by the dozen I guess this is the best place to do it.

I've really loved the Sacrament over the past few weeks. It feels so personal and just like it is for me! Today we did a "zoom" sacrament meeting with Kenzi (quarantined) at the cabin with Dave and Cam. It reminded me that we worship because it is personal and meaningful, not because it is something we do at "church." Don't get me wrong -- I missed going to church and seeing people and feeling a part of something bigger, but when Dave and Cameron bless the sacrament just for us it feels like the Savior is right here with us.

I can never catch up in one sitting, but I have to say -- I am one lucky person! I feel so much love. Everyone should know what it feels like to have cancer (or potentially terminal illness) and see how much people love them. It is overwhelming to receive notes and texts and flowers and prayers and fasting and meals and treats and signs ... and to have people constantly tell you how much they love you and what you mean to them. I think we all know how much our family and friends mean to us, but we don't take the time out always to show that and say that. And with cancer ... people do that!

This afternoon Kerri and Scott brought me lunch. They sanitized it -- I took it in the house and put it on paper plates and they sat on the front porch and I ate in the house. We chatted and laughed and they did push ups! I just sat there thinking how happy my mom would be to know that her grandkids are taking care of me. And loving me. I know she wishes she could be here to do all of these things, but she isn't. But other people are here. Taking care of me. It made me think how happy my Heavenly Father and Savior are that people are here, making me feel no so alone and feel so loved. Just like they want me to feel!

I can honestly say that overall, cancer has probably brought me more blessings in my life than it has taken away. It's opened my eyes and my heart and has provided me with love and peace so many times!

A perfect day ... or two!

Kenzi leaves on her mission in 24 hours. Exactly 24 hours from now she will be "leaving on a jet plane" for Mexico. I couldn't be more excited for her. The one regret I have is that I didn't serve a mission and so I've always felt so supportive for her as she has grown up and said she wants to go.

But it's hard. Harder than I would have ever imagined!

Gratefully the last few days (really the last week and month has been perfect). We've been spending as much time as possible together. We had a perfect memorial weekend with my cute little family and Kenzi's friends. Lauren and Kenzi and Cameron have had sleepovers and drink runs and top golf and movie nights and game nights. We've done temple trips and dinners. I'm just trying to soak it all in.
And Lauren got engaged. A perfect engagement to a wonderful person!!!

Kenzi had her farewell yesterday and it really was perfect. She shared the most beautiful testimony and sang with Shaun and Katie accompanying her -- like an angel. You could feel the spirit so tangibly.

We had family and friends come and join us! We felt the warmth and strength and love of so many!

Can I freeze time!??! Can I stop everything right here and now?!?!

Parable of the Bass Clarinet

In September Cam got a new bass clarinet from school. $2200 to be precise. He'd had an old, warn out one for a year.

The teacher "threatened their lives" if they didn't take care of it.

It was beautiful!

We had it for 24 hours ... and you know where this is going.

Yup!

Broken!

In half!

He was practicing in the kitchen and I asked him to come in to FHE. (So much for the blessings of FHE ha ha).

Unfortunately instead of laying it on the table or putting it away, he leaned it against the railing on the floor.

Still have no idea how this happened but it got caught on the railing and fell off the stairs and broke in half.

Oh my -- weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth doesn't quite describe the reaction from Cam with enough emotion.

(To shorten the story no the school didn't have insurance which I wish they had told us and because I didn't specifically tell our homeowners they wouldn't cover it either.)

Hours later I went down to talk to Cam who was in bed -- still very sad.

At the time we were planning our Christmas trip to Hawaii. He said he was so sorry and that he would just stay home from Hawaii because that is about how much everything would cost for him. My heart just broke for his sweetness.

I told him that this is a lot like the atonement. He broke something. In this case not intentionally, but out of carelessness. He can't repair it. He doesn't have the money to pay for it. He can't fix this by himself.

But dad and I can. Not that we have $2000 laying around with nothing to do with it. But we can help him. He can pay for part and we can pay for the rest. Together we can repay the school. It won't be painless for any of us. He needs to talk to his teacher and tell him. He will have to use his summer lawnmowing money to pay for a part of it. But together we will take care of it. The world won't end and we will make it right.

Every day that is the case for all of us. We do stuff, intentionally or unintentionally. We can't fix it on our own. We feel sorrow and pain, but we can't fix it on our own. But our Savior can and will. He feels the pain of it like we do, but He can fix it!

A scripture saves the day ... again!

I've set a goal to go to the temple once a week this year. So far... so good!

It is the one place that I can always feel peace and quit worrying and get perspective.

But yesterday I was in a funk. Not just about cancer, but life and a few things that I don't plan to share in my journal here or probIem.

When I first got to the temple I was feeling good and feeling the spirit. And then I started thinking about my cancer and kids and some of this other personal "stuff" that often weighs me down more than cancer actually.

It doesn't seem fair. It makes me feel like a failure. It makes me feel like maybe answers I thought I got weren't really answers, but what I wanted to hear. Honestly all of it sometimes makes me wonder if I have the ability at all to really know what I should do.

It was lovely being there but I definitely wasn't feeling it as I left. I know I'm loved by so many people and I feel Heavenly Father and the Savior so many times. But honestly because some of the sadness in my heart is so personal and hurts sometimes it makes me feel very sad and alone. 

So I decided to sit in the lobby and read some scriptures for a bit. I sat down and grabbed a triple combination. It was opened to D&C 6. Ok ... so it was exactly what I needed to hear and read. 

14 Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.

15 Behold, thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth;

16 Yea, I tell thee, that thou mayest know that there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart.

17 I tell thee these things as a witness unto thee—that the words or the work which thou hast been writing are true.

18 Therefore be diligent; stand by my servant Joseph, faithfully, in whatsoever difficult circumstances he may be for the word’s sake.

19 Admonish him in his faults, and also receive admonition of him. Be patient; be sober; be temperate; have patience, faith, hope and charity.

20 Behold, thou art Oliver, and I have spoken unto thee because of thy desires; therefore treasure up these words in thy heart. Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love.

21 Behold, I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I am the same that came unto mine own, and mine own received me not. I am the light which shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not.

22 Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.

23 Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?

24 And now, behold, you have received a witness; for if I have told you things which no man knoweth have you not received a witness?

Learning to live with a bomb about to go off!

Well by CA 125 is up again. MRI came back with nothing concerning, but CA 125 went up again almost another 20 points. At almost 100 now.

CT Scan scheduled for March.

In the meantime I kind of feel like I'm walking around with someone holding a gun to my head. Just waiting for them to pull the trigger. Morbid I know -- but it is something I'm having to learn to live with. And just enjoy the day to day and not worry about the future.

Easier said than done -- but it is true!

One and Done... No! Two and through ... I guess not!

My numbers really never dropped very good through chemo last year. They slowly dropped until about April or May and then started rising.

That should have been my first clue.

When I started on the awful PARP inhibitor in August I prayed that would help. Even though I was tired and nauseas and miserable I thought it would be worth it if it would work. Dropping dosages 3 times and 4 months later I feel good. I feel really good. But apparently my insides are doing something different.

My numbers keep creeping up (some months jumping up) and a CT and a biopsy that came back negative aren't giving the answers.

I met with Dr Z last week and she does feel a lymph node/lump in my groin area. Because it doesn't appear to be where they did the biopsy or where the scan showed it, she isn't sure what to think. But my CA 125 jumped aother 18 points so we know there is something going on.

For now here is the plan.

January 22: MRI
If it shows what she feels possibly do surgery to remove it.
If it is cancer, probably start chemo.

Really? Really? Really? 

How many times can I fool myself in my head to think that maybe, just maybe this time will be the las. My awesome trip to Hawaii was awesome! I loved it! I didn't think of cancer much at all! I felt good and was so happy to be in paradise with family!

But I knew in the back of my head it wouldn't last.

I had a very blunt conversation with the incredible Dr. Z.

Wac-a-Mole

This is what we will do. Play human Wac-a-Tumor.

Hopefully if this is a tumor we can remove and keep another one coming back for a while. And the do it for another one. And another.

Part of me wants to cry.
Part of me wants to feel sorry for myself.
Part of me knows everyone has hard things in their lives and I don't have the corner on difficulty.
Part of me knows in the long, long, eternal run it will all be ok.
Part of me thinks I can do this again.
All of me doesn't quite know what to do!

So when I think about it I have a couple of solutions. I'm going to go to the temple once a week. I need that extra peace and I love it there! I'm going to go see a counselor. I need to process this and deal with it in a positive way.

And I'm going to start writing in my blog again. Writing my thoughts for me is therapy. I feel bad that Jen and Dave and my awesome friends have to listen to my latest update and my news and my worries and fears. I know they don't mind, but I hate doing it.

So hopefully expressing it on paper will help me!

Awkward and Funny Cancer Moment #1, #2 and #3

I preface any "Awkward Cancer Moment" posts with the following:
1.  I'm kind of a morbid/open person.
2.  This blog is for me and my journal and for me to remember, laugh and learn from this whole experience.  If I offend anyone who happens to read it I am sorry, but for me openness and laughter are very healing.

Moment #1:  The weekend before I was diagnosed with cancer I was in Las Vegas with Lauren for a soccer tournament.  We stayed with my handsome nephew Adam and his family on Saturday night.  He is a PA and I was talking to him Sunday morning about my cramps I was having.  I told him I was going to go to a Dr. when I got home and I thought I had either gas, cysts on my ovaries or ovarian cancer.  Of course I was completely joking about Ovarian cancer.  We laughed and he said "I hope it isn't Ovarian cancer cause it is very deadly and I may never see you again."  Ha ha!

Moment #2:  How Did you Tell Dave you Had Cancer?  Like any good wife I texted him.  I know, very selfish of me and as I look back I laugh.  But when I was in having the ultrasound and I could tell by the technician's behavior that I didn't have uterine fibroids -- I knew from a symptom checker it was likely Ovarian cancer.  Little did I know Dave was in the dentist chair getting a shot. Not the best way to share your cancer news.

Almost 30 years later...

Here are my cute BYU Freshman year roommates.  Love, love, love them!!!  We all shared an apartment in Wells Hall.  I knew Anne and Julie from high school -- but Simone and Sue were new to me.  We all lived together until each person got married.

Julie got married after our freshman year, Anne and I went to BYU Hawaii after our freshman year and then she got married our Sophmore year, Simone got married after our after our Sophmore year and then Sue and I were together on and off until I got married 1 1/2 years after I graduated.  (Oh the stories that Sue and I could tell about each other -- she was one of the reasons I made it through college.)

Between us we have 20 kids, 4 grand kids, death of 3 mothers and one dad, one set of divorced parents,  one divorce, a death of a spouse, cancer, a house fire, lots of ups and downs and so much fun!!!

Julie's daughter and Lauren play soccer together so I see her all of the time, and Sue has been one of my chemo buddies this year -- but we all at least try to get together at least once a year.

Thanksgiving 2012 -- California!!

I love Thanksgiving with family!  It really is one of my favorite holidays.

This year we got to enjoy an 8-day trip to California to stay with the Jones', have a great Thanksgiving, go to Disneyland, the beach, hang out at the pool, celebrate Lolo's birthday, wander through the Getty, play game after game, eat a ton, then head to San Diego for Lauren's soccer tournament, enjoy the gorgeous hotel pool and hot tub, eat a ton again (found the best fish taco place ever in La Jolla), see the Sea Lions and just relax!

Ray and Cathy and the Jones are the most accomodating, wonderful people to stay with -- I always feel so relaxed when I leave there.

Lauren's soccer friend Savannah came with us -- we are kind of switching around Thanksgiving tournaments with them -- and she was great.  She had never been to Disnelyand so great Uncle Ray took care of that.

It felt so good -- to feel good enough to be there!

Happy 22nd Anniversary -- Father & Sons -- Meteors Shows oh my!

On the 11th Dave and I celebrated our 22nd Anniversary at Deer Valley.  This year we enjoyed Pink Martini with the symphony -- loved them.  We've actually done this for our anniversary several years and I love the concerts up there.

After we enjoyed a romantic evening at the cabin with the kids, my dad, and Tara/Gavin/Emma.  DAve and Cam had been at Father and Sons at Strawberry so we just met them at the cabin Saturday night.  Despite the current state of the cabin exterior remodeling, we had a fun time sleeping on the deck, Kenzi and I watching the meteor shower at 4am and playing games and relaxing.  We also enjoyed Kenzi's amazing Bendaroos creation.

My OCD ... Ovarian Cancer Diagnosis

I found old drafts -- don't know if I ever published them so I'm publishing all of them now!
**********************

I've decided it is time to make sure I write down the events leading up to and the awful, awful few days when I first found out about my cancer.  It honestly feels like it was years ago, not just 2 months ago.

July 2012:  Starting having night sweats... really bad.  I don't know if this was when it started or if there is any correlation -- it is just the only out of the ordinary thing that I can think of that might be related.

December 2012:  Just a few days before the cruise I woke up with super intense stomach pains.  One morning I was actually up in bed crying it hurt so bad.  Kind of felt like cramps and stomach flu together -- without the sickness.  At the time our house was under contract to be sold, we hadn't found a new house to buy, I was trying to get us ready for the cruise and Christmas.  By 10:00 am ish each morning the cramps would be gone so I didn't think anything about it.  I just assumed it was stress since it would go away each day.

As soon as we got to San Juan and on the cruise the stomach pain went away.  I was sure it had just been stress.

Post Cruise 2012:  When we got home from the cruise I didn't feel great.  I was a little seasick on the cruise and my head was spinning for a week or two after we got home.  Thought it was a bit strange it was taking me so long to feel good again.  After the cruise Jenn had a hysterectomy.  For years they've been worried about cancer for her, and finally decided just to remove everything.  Didn't think one thing about me needing to be worried.

January 2012:  I felt like I had gained weight -- which would make sense with the cruise and Christmas.  I cut way down on eating, made sure I exercised each day and did lots of "ab" workouts.  My stomach area seemed to be getting fat no matter what I did.  I was due for an annual exam and felt like I should go to my obgyn for the exam and not my regular Dr.  Dr. Brown is wonderful but she books out about a year for a check-up.

January 25:  Woke up in the night and my stonach was as hard as a rock.  It felt like a cramp that wouldn't loosen up.  It didn't really hurt -- just felt abnormal.  I woke Dave up and had him feel it.  It definitely was hard as a rock.  We decided as soon as I got back from a soccer I'd make sure I made my Dr. appointment for a check up.   Starting looking up symptoms on the internet for what I'd been feeling.  Several things came back including Ovarian Cancer.   Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be that.

January 27 - January 29:  I took Lauren, Savannah and Amanda to a soccer tournament in Las Vegas.  Jenn came with us for company on the drive and stayed with Adam.  We had a great time -- went shopping, to dinner, watched soccer and I even worked out in the hotel gym a few times.  I had started my period and decided the stomach cramps I'd had earlier in the week must have been that.

Saturday night we spent the night with Adam and Stacy.  I was talking to Adam and was telling him when I got home from the trip I was going to see a Dr. for a checkup.  I told him I thought I had a food allergy/gas, fibroid tumors or Ovarian Cancer.  I of course was kidding about the Ovarian Cancer.  We joked about it and how bad it would be if I did have cancer.  Guess it really wasn't that funny afterall.

January 30:  Called Dr. Brown's office for a check-up.  Of course, getting in would be difficult.  They'd put me on a waiting list and when Joyce her nurse (and my friend) got back from a trip they'd have her figure out a time they could work me in.

January 31:  Got a call from Dr. Brown's office.  They had a cancellation that day and if I could be there in an hour I could have the appointment.   Feeling a little stupid and worried I was making a big deal out of nothing, I said yes and made arrangements to get there.

Had my check up and other than my uterus was definitely enlarged (about the size of a 4 month pregnant woman) everything else looked very healthy.  Vaginal exam felt normal and I seemed to be healthy.  Dr. Brown said there was a good chance I had Uterine Fibroids and the only way they would know for sure was to do an ultrasound.  They made an appointment the next day for me to have an ultrasound.

That night I was telling some of the women I serve with in YW about the ultrasound an fibroids.  For some reason I started crying.  I assumed it was just because I was relieved that my "internet search diagnosis" of ovarian cancer was not going to come true.

February 1:

Cam ... Big 12

Favorite food: crab
Favorite movie:
Favorite song:  Hold each other by Great Big World
Favorite thing to do:
Favorite Scripture: John 15:13 greater love hath no man
Favorite Sport: basketball
Nickname: Chito
Inspirational Quotes by Chito

Mourn with those that Mourn ...

One of the blessings of having cancer is seeing how compassionate and good and kind and loving the world and people really are. Meals and texts and tears and cards and flowers and prayers come from so many people and make really tough things possible.

Knowing that this garbage affects my kids and family as much as it does me is the hardest part.

I was reminded this morning that compassion goes such a long way.

I went to the gym to do a yoga class (first class at the rec center in almost a year).  I ran into an old friend and we started talking and told him my cancer was back. This sweet lady next to me overheard and told me how sorry she was. This of course started me off being very teary. After the yoga class was over she looked at me in tears and said how sorry she was for the burden I have to carry and what I must have been through the last year. We sat there on the floor both of us with tears in our eyes. She said she just wanted to reach over and let me know she loved me but thought I might think she was very strange.

Funny thing is I've seen her at the gym for years. I've always admired her kindness and goodness. She is darling and in great shape, but is also so nice to other people and seems so happy.  Now I know why. She is good and kind!  She truly mourns with those that mourn. I want to be more like her and was so touched by her caring and compassion. She doesn't know a thing about me or my family and yet she was exemplifies the person I should be that mourns with those that mourns and comforts those that stand in need of comfort!

Chito ... growing up and teaching me lessons!

Cameron turned 14 last week.  Where has time gone.  He is handsome and smart and kind and sensitive and rubs my feet when I've had chemo, and loves sports and music and Hamilton and fortnite and making cookies and hanging out with friends and hammocking and Harry Potter and playing games.

But I love that he teaches me.

I've been desperately trying to get Cameron Hamilton tickets for his birthday.  He and Kenzi would love to go. I wasn't able to get them when they tickets first came out and now they are overpriced.

On his birthday I told him I wasn't able to get tickets and I was sorry.  His response "Mom why are you focusing on the things we don't have and not the things we do have?"  How did he get so wise.

A couple of months ago Kenzi found out she didn't get the leadership scholarship she wanted at USU.  I was so sad and mad.  She would have been perfect!  And I didn't want her to be sad!  She worked so hard.  And was a finalist among 600+.  Cameron's comment when I was feeeling mad and sad.  Looking at the glass in front of him "Mom is the glass half empty or is it half full?"

I really do appreciate what he teaches me and how he keeps me focused on what matters.  In some ways you are 14 and some ways you are wise beyond your years.

Love you.

3 down and 3 to go -- and I loved Conference

Wednesday I did my 3rd chemo -- hoping it is the 3rd of 6.  My CA 125 dropped a bit again (I wish a little faster), chemo was fun chatting with Katie, and my alien Nuelasta

shot that about killed me off last month went off without a hitch. 

I just did acupuncture and am now sitting her getting some IV fluids for hydration.  I'm trying anything and everything I can to avoid some of the fatigue and misery from the last chemo.  I'm hoping the acupuncture can help with nueropathy and bloating as well.

It's strange because the day after chemo I get so sad.  I could cry at anything and everything and nothing, and I feel really lonely.  I guess not feeling great does that to you, but I am surprised at how quickly it comes on.  I don't think it helps that my kids are growing up.  I like noise, I like distractions and I like chaos.  My life doesn't have enough of that anymore.  And with not feeling good and fatigue I don't want to be doing so much out and about and socializing -- and that is hard on me emotionally.  I feel like I've got to figure out who I am and what I need to be doing in the fall when this whole thing is over  I loved when the kids were a little younger and life evolved around our family.  With college and schedules and life and teens and boyfriends and jobs that isn't a lot anymore.

But ... onto Conference.  I wish every weekend could be conference.  Spending 3 day at the cabin in sweats and family and yummy food.  Feeling the Spirit.  Eyes dripping with happy tears when they announced 7 new temples.  The encouragement and faith and happiness I feel when listening to conference is so empowering.  Just keeping that motivation with every day life is hard.

When I listen to conference it puts life in perspective.  Money, travels, material things just don't matter.  Listening to our leaders clarifies our purpose here and what will make us feel real happiness.

And the perfect trifecta came with Miday, Conference and Easter all at once.  The atonement and peace I feel through my Savior is amazing.  So many times, especially now, when I read the scriptures and listen to conference talks I feel peace and hope and comfort.

Sunday morning One Voice Sang at a Sunrise Service in Provo.  Very different from our Easter worship but they sounded beautiful and I loved the diversity of "Christ is risen."  "Christ is risen indeed."  I love the choir and am going to miss it so much!

Kenzi and I found a fun ladies night at Zermatt and she made an amazing craft.  Fun to just relax with that sweetie.  We were able to enjoy the annual Easter dinner and hunt and Dave and Cam and Josh spent a few days at the cabin chilling ... followed by a fun Virtual Reality trip.

Kenzi is loving life in New York -- and Cam is now up in Logan with a few friends.  So my disappointment in having to cancel Spring break trip is ok.  Lolo ended up with a hurt toe and toenail removal... dang soccer!

Florida, Miracles, I hate chemo and love spring breaking with Lolo

So because I'm me -- I just planned to stay on my every 28 day chemo schedule.  Why?  Did I ever last time?  No.. but instead I planned a spring break trip to St George with Dave and Cam and Lolo invited me to join her on a spring break trip to Florida to stay with our awesome cousins and soak up the sun.

But what happens?  White blood issues after the first chemo and I couldn't have my 2nd chemo. Not sure why I was so shocked - I think we all hope for the best!

So the St. George trip was out -- and the Florida trip was iffy based on white blood and chemo.

My awesome friends did a fast and as always rallied around me giving me strength.  The family was great encouraging me and helping me do everything I could to be able to have my next chemo.

And gratefully just missing one week helped and I was able to have chemo.  I know the prayers and fasting were heard!

Unfotunately the chemo or Nuelsasta shot for white blood, took a toll on me and I did pretty well for a few days but Sunday started to feel awful.  Monday and Tuesday I felt like I could die.  And honestly by noon on Tuesday I feel like I had 100 pounds strapped to my ankles.  I'm assuming it was the nuelasta but it was horrible.  Flying to Florida sounded impossible, but I didn't want to miss the chance to spend a few days with Lolo.  I kept praying that if it would be a good idea to take this trip it would work out.

Wednesday morning I felt a bit better and decided to give it a try.  In the middle of the night Wedneday it was like the chemo and garbage finished it course and I felt totally different.  (Not fabulous but compared to before it was amazing!)

So we made it and we've love hanging on the beach, paddleboarding, eating fabulous food, mini golf and just relaxing.  Toph and Lindsey have an amazing place on the beach and we have been able to hang out with Doug and Tayler too!

So grateful I was able to make it and for Lolo for inviting me and amazing nephews/nieces who love us and take care of us!

Peace .. come unto you.

Lolo and I had a chance to go to church in Florida (more about that later) and heard some great talks from the missionaries.

One missionary shared a scripture ... and I can't find it now.  But it was talking about Peace the Savior gives to us.  And at the end of this scripture it say I come to you.  The missionary talked about the significance in this one that says come to you.  There are several scriptures I love that talk about coming unto me but he emphasized the Savior will come to you.  He can be there in times of trial and stress and his atonements was part of that.  There were some awful school shootings here last month and 17 people died.  One of the girls that died was in the ward this missionary was serving.  He talked about how hard it was to understand all of this for everyone, for the family and for himself.  But he shared that scripture and talked about how Christ will come unto you -- and be there for you -- and help you find peace.

As a mom that feels like I'm not the best mom and wife, a cancer patient who feels icky and discouraged a lot, and a person that wonders how come I can't seem to live up to my full potential I love this.  I love the peace promised.  And I love that Christ will come to me when I need His spirit to be with me!

Comfort Scriptures ... I've used them over and over again -- thanks Jenn!

During my first surgery 6 years ago Jenn Cottle (my go to person in life) gave me a card with a list of scriptures.  She called them her comfort scriptures.  She said she compiled them while doing Personal Progress and one of her kids was struggling.

When I couldn't sleep I would look them up and read them.  As I've had health issues and concerns about kids or YW or life I go them.  I've shared this list I don't know how many times!  I decided today I'm going to read one each day and write what it means to me.  The crazy thing about these scriptures is that depending on my life situation or struggles or good times they something different to me.  

Doctrine and Covenants 123:17 -- Therefore dearly belowever brethern, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

Cheerfully:  Ok I don't always have to be happy.  I wasn't happy about being kicked out of chemo last week and having to cancel and trip with Dave and Cameron cause of my new schedule.  I wasn't happy about missing a dosage and not killing cancer cells.  I wasn't happy about messing up the schedules of those taking me to chemo and bringing us meals.  But I guess I can always try to remain cheerful.  And the NP and Nurses giving me sincere hugs and telling me they were sorry made it  so much easier to smile admist the tears.  And laugh about Brooke now knowing it was Jenn and me honking at her at the stoplight and then telling us to move along.  To open my doors after to my sweet friends Becca and Kristene (who had planned to switch out with Jenn during chemo) and have flowers and lunch and laugh and cry with them rather than feeling sorry for myself!  And Cameron telling me the other night after we found out Kenzi didn't get the Leadership scholarship she had worked so hard for and would have been so awesome at -- that I needed to look at the glass half full, not half empty.  But I can feel sad but then look at the positive as well.

Cheerfully do all things that lie in our power:  Big one for me.  I'm a control freak -- I don't want to be but I am.  I need to realize I can only have infliuence on so much.  So much of my body and health, my kids decisions, YW testimonies, financial issues etc.  But it is my responsible to do my best and seek the spirit in life and go to the temple and read my scriptures and serve others -- and then turn it over.  My sweet friends did a fast for my white blood counts.  I ate really carefully (which isn't supposed to help) and exercised and my friends and family fasted for me.  We did everything we could when given a hard situation.  I feel that way about my kids.  I've made so many parenting mistakes.  I wish I could do it all over again.  And this is one area where I feel like I need to just do my best and then turn it over to my kids and the Lord.  But I certainly am expected to do my part and do everything I can and read and go to the temple and have fun and listen.  We have to do all things that lie in our power.  Like study hard and not waste time for a test -- like exercising and eating right to get in good shape -- like doing all of the little things that keep the spirit in our lives.

And then may we stand still, with the ustmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.  Such a big one for me.  I'm not always a big picture person.  My anxiety gets the best of me sometimes and little details and issues become monumental in my head.  When I get like this I can follow this counsel.  I need to be still, listen to the spirit, look at the eternal perspective, have trust that my kids or YW or even I will make the right decision and if the right decision isn't made then it is ok.  But I need to have trust and faith.  As I look back on life somehow everything works out.  Not perfectly -- or at least not perfectly in my eyes that aren't seeing the big eternal picture and I can't know.  Everytime there is a big YW activity I watch this happen.  Girl's camp with Karen Brown was the perfect example of this.  We plan, we stress, we do crafts, we scavenge for places to stay within our budget, we pray for girls, for weather, for activities, for the spirit, for fun laughter and for tears and times to feel the spirit. Tina Schwab told me a long time ago that in anything like this "Heavenly Father wants it to be sucessful even more than we do -- so we need to do our part and then turn it over to him."  I've passed along that advice to leaders over and over again.  So last year girls camp was perfect. It was led by Karen of course it would be.  The old farm house property near the lake was great.  The added sunroom had enough room.  The outdoors were lovely and calm and relaxing and helped the girls just want to hang out together. The caves were spectacular and having another group get in before our reservation was a blessing -- we had the darling recently graduated YW leading our tour and tying gospel analogies to everything!  Each and every activity was planned so well -- but ultimately Heavenly Father's hand made it just what we needed.  In my current cancer situation and with my kids I need to do evverything I can and fight and love and trust and not feel sorry for myself.  But then I need to trust and turn it over to my Savior and my Heavenly Father!

2 Nephi 31:20.  Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and all men.  Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the words of Christ, and endure to the end, behold thus saith the Father: Ye shall have enternal life. 

 This was the YM/YW theme for Mutual a few years ago and I loved it.  It feels so positive and makes me want to look to the future and have hope.

Press froward with a steadfastness in Christ.  Press forward.  The word press reminds me that life isn't always going to be a "glide" or an "easy walk."  Sometimes it might be a "trudge" or a "climb" but we need to be always pressing and moving forward.  And how do we do it?  With Christ in mind and by our side.  I love the scripture in 2 Nephi 25:26 that talk in Christ, rejoice in Christ, preach in Christ so that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.  When it is hard or easy or some where in between if we always keep Christ as the focus we won't get bogged down in all of the wordly garbage so easily.  If we make mistakes we can keep our eyes forward to Christ and know we will be forgiven.  When we are discouraged or tired or sick we can keep trying to press forward toward Christ.

Hope.  My goodness if life were just this earth -- the here and now I think I would just give up 1/2 of the time.  If the pleasures and worldly recognition of all of this was all that mattered how messed up would I be.  When I made mistakes over and over again and I didn't have hope for forgiveness it would be impossible to care to change and grow and be better. Hope for becoming better, for an opportunity to be with Heavenly Father again, for the real eternal stuff has carried me through cancer, parenting, marriage, lonliness, anxiety and many stresses of life.

 Love of God and all men.  While pressing forward it is easy to focus on yourself.  Pressing is hard sometimes.  But when my focus is on God and other people it is easier to look outward.  When I got cancer 6 years ago after chemo I was feeeling sorry for myslef and anxious about the future.  We started delivering food boxes for the Utah Food Bank. I'm reminded each month how blessed I am and the joy we get from these cute widows who need our help and so appreciate our acts of service helps me stay focused.  Ronald McDonald House, Candy Cane Corner, Festival of Trees, Special Needs, taking cookies to neighbors, going to the temple ... of these services help me to love people and God even more.  I know if I truly love God I'll love His children and serving is what really brings me happiness.  During my 3 years of YW president as stressful as it was my focus really was on serving and loving and building testimonies -- and it doing that I had to really build my own.  It was easier for me to focus on pressing forward at that time. 

Feasting upon the words of Christ.  I could go on forever sharing favorite scriptures here and conference talks.  My day, my week, my world has so much more focus if I'm feasting on the words of Christ, learning, filling my mind and heart with good things. It gives me strength, makes me happy, reminds me what is important.  My nieces Brooke and Jacque are constanting posting and sharing what they've learned from the scriptures.  Brooke's love of the Book of Mormon and how it brings her to Christ was such an example to me.  It is simple, but some how so powerful to feast upon the words of Christ.  So much better than feasting on what the world offers.  

Endure to the end and have eternal life.  These are both huge.  Endure.  Oh my goodness that is a big word and a word I have to fall back to often with cancer.  I love my life in general but I'm not sure I really understood how hard it would be to be married and have kids and be a good mom and wife and then get cancer and feel crappy and be anxious and worry and sometimes think it would be easier the struggle were over.  But I enduring doesn't allow for that.  Enduring is hanging in there and finding the good (like my awesome Survivor Teaching Students program and friends and strength and support.)  Eternal Life.  That is what it is all about.  I get to be with my mom  My family and friends.  This worldly garbage won't matter.  There here and now of learning and growing helps us but it is just a blip on the map of getting to Eternal Life. 

Doctrine and Covenants 127:4

Doctrine and Covenants 84:88

1 Timothy 4:12

John 14:27

Doctrine and Covenants 84:85

Doctrine and Covenants 6:22, 23

Doctrine and Covenants 6:20

Doctrine and Covenants 6:36

Doctrine and Covenants 112:10, 11

Doctrine and Covenants 98:1-3

Doctrine and Covenants 101:16

Doctrine and Covenants 78:17-20, 22

2 Nephi 4:34

Jacob 4:10

Alma 36:3

Words of Mormon 1:7,8

Mosiah 2:5-6

James 5:14-16

D&C 78:17 - 18

D&C 121

Alma 36:27

Mosiah 24:14

Proverbs 3:5-6

Matthew 11:28-30

Mark 4:36-39

Alma 7:11-13

Alma 37:35-37

Alma 38:5

Life Doesn't Always Turn out as Planned ... mine included!

Quote from a Hess family favorite movie While You Were Sleeping:

Okay, there are two things that I remember about my childhood. I just don't remember it being this orange. First, I remember being with my dad. He would get these far off looks in his eyes and he would say, 'life doesn't always turn out the way you planned." I just wish I had realized he was talking about my life

Round 2 of Steph vs. Ovarian Cancer has begun.  And this is definitely not the way I planned it.  I don't want to whine or complain because I've had an incredible 6 years. 

Lauren starting driving and dating and going to dances and got a job and started college and played soccer and is 20!!!!

Kenzi has been singing, and doing leadership and driving and dating and serving and getting her patriarch blessing and getting ready to graduate.

Cam got baptized, is a deacon, plays tons of sports, reads Harry Potter over and over, is kind and handsome and smart and tries to drive and would like to date.

I've been to Washington DC 2x, New York, Paris, Normandy, London, St. George multiple times, Southern California - the beach - Universal - museums probably 10 times.  I've been Scotts house in Washington about 5-6 times for weddings and lobster fest and so much fun!  I've down countless cabin trips and bike rides and fall leaf hikes and Sunday dinners and game nights.  I watched my dad turn 90 and nieces and nephews have babies.  I spent 3 amazingly wonderful/stressful years as YW President with my girls and amazing other girls and felt the spirit and laughed and gone to girls camp and gone to Youth Conference.

I help get the Survivor's Teaching Students program in Utah off the ground and have taught over 500 students and have met the best of friends and lost some amazing friends from the program and my Dr office.  I've traveled to Texas to present and Washington DC to advocate.

I've gained weight and lost weight and had anxiety and depression and been made and been an awful mom and wife and cried and worried but all of that stuff is small compared to the great stuff.

Ok ... so its been an incredible 6 years.  And for that I'm grateful!