One and Done... No! Two and through ... I guess not!

My numbers really never dropped very good through chemo last year. They slowly dropped until about April or May and then started rising.

That should have been my first clue.

When I started on the awful PARP inhibitor in August I prayed that would help. Even though I was tired and nauseas and miserable I thought it would be worth it if it would work. Dropping dosages 3 times and 4 months later I feel good. I feel really good. But apparently my insides are doing something different.

My numbers keep creeping up (some months jumping up) and a CT and a biopsy that came back negative aren't giving the answers.

I met with Dr Z last week and she does feel a lymph node/lump in my groin area. Because it doesn't appear to be where they did the biopsy or where the scan showed it, she isn't sure what to think. But my CA 125 jumped aother 18 points so we know there is something going on.

For now here is the plan.

January 22: MRI
If it shows what she feels possibly do surgery to remove it.
If it is cancer, probably start chemo.

Really? Really? Really? 

How many times can I fool myself in my head to think that maybe, just maybe this time will be the las. My awesome trip to Hawaii was awesome! I loved it! I didn't think of cancer much at all! I felt good and was so happy to be in paradise with family!

But I knew in the back of my head it wouldn't last.

I had a very blunt conversation with the incredible Dr. Z.

Wac-a-Mole

This is what we will do. Play human Wac-a-Tumor.

Hopefully if this is a tumor we can remove and keep another one coming back for a while. And the do it for another one. And another.

Part of me wants to cry.
Part of me wants to feel sorry for myself.
Part of me knows everyone has hard things in their lives and I don't have the corner on difficulty.
Part of me knows in the long, long, eternal run it will all be ok.
Part of me thinks I can do this again.
All of me doesn't quite know what to do!

So when I think about it I have a couple of solutions. I'm going to go to the temple once a week. I need that extra peace and I love it there! I'm going to go see a counselor. I need to process this and deal with it in a positive way.

And I'm going to start writing in my blog again. Writing my thoughts for me is therapy. I feel bad that Jen and Dave and my awesome friends have to listen to my latest update and my news and my worries and fears. I know they don't mind, but I hate doing it.

So hopefully expressing it on paper will help me!