Awkward and Funny Cancer Moment #1, #2 and #3

I preface any "Awkward Cancer Moment" posts with the following:
1.  I'm kind of a morbid/open person.
2.  This blog is for me and my journal and for me to remember, laugh and learn from this whole experience.  If I offend anyone who happens to read it I am sorry, but for me openness and laughter are very healing.

Moment #1:  The weekend before I was diagnosed with cancer I was in Las Vegas with Lauren for a soccer tournament.  We stayed with my handsome nephew Adam and his family on Saturday night.  He is a PA and I was talking to him Sunday morning about my cramps I was having.  I told him I was going to go to a Dr. when I got home and I thought I had either gas, cysts on my ovaries or ovarian cancer.  Of course I was completely joking about Ovarian cancer.  We laughed and he said "I hope it isn't Ovarian cancer cause it is very deadly and I may never see you again."  Ha ha!

Moment #2:  How Did you Tell Dave you Had Cancer?  Like any good wife I texted him.  I know, very selfish of me and as I look back I laugh.  But when I was in having the ultrasound and I could tell by the technician's behavior that I didn't have uterine fibroids -- I knew from a symptom checker it was likely Ovarian cancer.  Little did I know Dave was in the dentist chair getting a shot. Not the best way to share your cancer news.

Almost 30 years later...

Here are my cute BYU Freshman year roommates.  Love, love, love them!!!  We all shared an apartment in Wells Hall.  I knew Anne and Julie from high school -- but Simone and Sue were new to me.  We all lived together until each person got married.

Julie got married after our freshman year, Anne and I went to BYU Hawaii after our freshman year and then she got married our Sophmore year, Simone got married after our after our Sophmore year and then Sue and I were together on and off until I got married 1 1/2 years after I graduated.  (Oh the stories that Sue and I could tell about each other -- she was one of the reasons I made it through college.)

Between us we have 20 kids, 4 grand kids, death of 3 mothers and one dad, one set of divorced parents,  one divorce, a death of a spouse, cancer, a house fire, lots of ups and downs and so much fun!!!

Julie's daughter and Lauren play soccer together so I see her all of the time, and Sue has been one of my chemo buddies this year -- but we all at least try to get together at least once a year.

Thanksgiving 2012 -- California!!

I love Thanksgiving with family!  It really is one of my favorite holidays.

This year we got to enjoy an 8-day trip to California to stay with the Jones', have a great Thanksgiving, go to Disneyland, the beach, hang out at the pool, celebrate Lolo's birthday, wander through the Getty, play game after game, eat a ton, then head to San Diego for Lauren's soccer tournament, enjoy the gorgeous hotel pool and hot tub, eat a ton again (found the best fish taco place ever in La Jolla), see the Sea Lions and just relax!

Ray and Cathy and the Jones are the most accomodating, wonderful people to stay with -- I always feel so relaxed when I leave there.

Lauren's soccer friend Savannah came with us -- we are kind of switching around Thanksgiving tournaments with them -- and she was great.  She had never been to Disnelyand so great Uncle Ray took care of that.

It felt so good -- to feel good enough to be there!

Happy 22nd Anniversary -- Father & Sons -- Meteors Shows oh my!

On the 11th Dave and I celebrated our 22nd Anniversary at Deer Valley.  This year we enjoyed Pink Martini with the symphony -- loved them.  We've actually done this for our anniversary several years and I love the concerts up there.

After we enjoyed a romantic evening at the cabin with the kids, my dad, and Tara/Gavin/Emma.  DAve and Cam had been at Father and Sons at Strawberry so we just met them at the cabin Saturday night.  Despite the current state of the cabin exterior remodeling, we had a fun time sleeping on the deck, Kenzi and I watching the meteor shower at 4am and playing games and relaxing.  We also enjoyed Kenzi's amazing Bendaroos creation.

My OCD ... Ovarian Cancer Diagnosis

I found old drafts -- don't know if I ever published them so I'm publishing all of them now!
**********************

I've decided it is time to make sure I write down the events leading up to and the awful, awful few days when I first found out about my cancer.  It honestly feels like it was years ago, not just 2 months ago.

July 2012:  Starting having night sweats... really bad.  I don't know if this was when it started or if there is any correlation -- it is just the only out of the ordinary thing that I can think of that might be related.

December 2012:  Just a few days before the cruise I woke up with super intense stomach pains.  One morning I was actually up in bed crying it hurt so bad.  Kind of felt like cramps and stomach flu together -- without the sickness.  At the time our house was under contract to be sold, we hadn't found a new house to buy, I was trying to get us ready for the cruise and Christmas.  By 10:00 am ish each morning the cramps would be gone so I didn't think anything about it.  I just assumed it was stress since it would go away each day.

As soon as we got to San Juan and on the cruise the stomach pain went away.  I was sure it had just been stress.

Post Cruise 2012:  When we got home from the cruise I didn't feel great.  I was a little seasick on the cruise and my head was spinning for a week or two after we got home.  Thought it was a bit strange it was taking me so long to feel good again.  After the cruise Jenn had a hysterectomy.  For years they've been worried about cancer for her, and finally decided just to remove everything.  Didn't think one thing about me needing to be worried.

January 2012:  I felt like I had gained weight -- which would make sense with the cruise and Christmas.  I cut way down on eating, made sure I exercised each day and did lots of "ab" workouts.  My stomach area seemed to be getting fat no matter what I did.  I was due for an annual exam and felt like I should go to my obgyn for the exam and not my regular Dr.  Dr. Brown is wonderful but she books out about a year for a check-up.

January 25:  Woke up in the night and my stonach was as hard as a rock.  It felt like a cramp that wouldn't loosen up.  It didn't really hurt -- just felt abnormal.  I woke Dave up and had him feel it.  It definitely was hard as a rock.  We decided as soon as I got back from a soccer I'd make sure I made my Dr. appointment for a check up.   Starting looking up symptoms on the internet for what I'd been feeling.  Several things came back including Ovarian Cancer.   Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be that.

January 27 - January 29:  I took Lauren, Savannah and Amanda to a soccer tournament in Las Vegas.  Jenn came with us for company on the drive and stayed with Adam.  We had a great time -- went shopping, to dinner, watched soccer and I even worked out in the hotel gym a few times.  I had started my period and decided the stomach cramps I'd had earlier in the week must have been that.

Saturday night we spent the night with Adam and Stacy.  I was talking to Adam and was telling him when I got home from the trip I was going to see a Dr. for a checkup.  I told him I thought I had a food allergy/gas, fibroid tumors or Ovarian Cancer.  I of course was kidding about the Ovarian Cancer.  We joked about it and how bad it would be if I did have cancer.  Guess it really wasn't that funny afterall.

January 30:  Called Dr. Brown's office for a check-up.  Of course, getting in would be difficult.  They'd put me on a waiting list and when Joyce her nurse (and my friend) got back from a trip they'd have her figure out a time they could work me in.

January 31:  Got a call from Dr. Brown's office.  They had a cancellation that day and if I could be there in an hour I could have the appointment.   Feeling a little stupid and worried I was making a big deal out of nothing, I said yes and made arrangements to get there.

Had my check up and other than my uterus was definitely enlarged (about the size of a 4 month pregnant woman) everything else looked very healthy.  Vaginal exam felt normal and I seemed to be healthy.  Dr. Brown said there was a good chance I had Uterine Fibroids and the only way they would know for sure was to do an ultrasound.  They made an appointment the next day for me to have an ultrasound.

That night I was telling some of the women I serve with in YW about the ultrasound an fibroids.  For some reason I started crying.  I assumed it was just because I was relieved that my "internet search diagnosis" of ovarian cancer was not going to come true.

February 1:

Cam ... Big 12

Favorite food: crab
Favorite movie:
Favorite song:  Hold each other by Great Big World
Favorite thing to do:
Favorite Scripture: John 15:13 greater love hath no man
Favorite Sport: basketball
Nickname: Chito
Inspirational Quotes by Chito

Mourn with those that Mourn ...

One of the blessings of having cancer is seeing how compassionate and good and kind and loving the world and people really are. Meals and texts and tears and cards and flowers and prayers come from so many people and make really tough things possible.

Knowing that this garbage affects my kids and family as much as it does me is the hardest part.

I was reminded this morning that compassion goes such a long way.

I went to the gym to do a yoga class (first class at the rec center in almost a year).  I ran into an old friend and we started talking and told him my cancer was back. This sweet lady next to me overheard and told me how sorry she was. This of course started me off being very teary. After the yoga class was over she looked at me in tears and said how sorry she was for the burden I have to carry and what I must have been through the last year. We sat there on the floor both of us with tears in our eyes. She said she just wanted to reach over and let me know she loved me but thought I might think she was very strange.

Funny thing is I've seen her at the gym for years. I've always admired her kindness and goodness. She is darling and in great shape, but is also so nice to other people and seems so happy.  Now I know why. She is good and kind!  She truly mourns with those that mourn. I want to be more like her and was so touched by her caring and compassion. She doesn't know a thing about me or my family and yet she was exemplifies the person I should be that mourns with those that mourns and comforts those that stand in need of comfort!

Chito ... growing up and teaching me lessons!

Cameron turned 14 last week.  Where has time gone.  He is handsome and smart and kind and sensitive and rubs my feet when I've had chemo, and loves sports and music and Hamilton and fortnite and making cookies and hanging out with friends and hammocking and Harry Potter and playing games.

But I love that he teaches me.

I've been desperately trying to get Cameron Hamilton tickets for his birthday.  He and Kenzi would love to go. I wasn't able to get them when they tickets first came out and now they are overpriced.

On his birthday I told him I wasn't able to get tickets and I was sorry.  His response "Mom why are you focusing on the things we don't have and not the things we do have?"  How did he get so wise.

A couple of months ago Kenzi found out she didn't get the leadership scholarship she wanted at USU.  I was so sad and mad.  She would have been perfect!  And I didn't want her to be sad!  She worked so hard.  And was a finalist among 600+.  Cameron's comment when I was feeeling mad and sad.  Looking at the glass in front of him "Mom is the glass half empty or is it half full?"

I really do appreciate what he teaches me and how he keeps me focused on what matters.  In some ways you are 14 and some ways you are wise beyond your years.

Love you.

3 down and 3 to go -- and I loved Conference

Wednesday I did my 3rd chemo -- hoping it is the 3rd of 6.  My CA 125 dropped a bit again (I wish a little faster), chemo was fun chatting with Katie, and my alien Nuelasta

shot that about killed me off last month went off without a hitch. 

I just did acupuncture and am now sitting her getting some IV fluids for hydration.  I'm trying anything and everything I can to avoid some of the fatigue and misery from the last chemo.  I'm hoping the acupuncture can help with nueropathy and bloating as well.

It's strange because the day after chemo I get so sad.  I could cry at anything and everything and nothing, and I feel really lonely.  I guess not feeling great does that to you, but I am surprised at how quickly it comes on.  I don't think it helps that my kids are growing up.  I like noise, I like distractions and I like chaos.  My life doesn't have enough of that anymore.  And with not feeling good and fatigue I don't want to be doing so much out and about and socializing -- and that is hard on me emotionally.  I feel like I've got to figure out who I am and what I need to be doing in the fall when this whole thing is over  I loved when the kids were a little younger and life evolved around our family.  With college and schedules and life and teens and boyfriends and jobs that isn't a lot anymore.

But ... onto Conference.  I wish every weekend could be conference.  Spending 3 day at the cabin in sweats and family and yummy food.  Feeling the Spirit.  Eyes dripping with happy tears when they announced 7 new temples.  The encouragement and faith and happiness I feel when listening to conference is so empowering.  Just keeping that motivation with every day life is hard.

When I listen to conference it puts life in perspective.  Money, travels, material things just don't matter.  Listening to our leaders clarifies our purpose here and what will make us feel real happiness.

And the perfect trifecta came with Miday, Conference and Easter all at once.  The atonement and peace I feel through my Savior is amazing.  So many times, especially now, when I read the scriptures and listen to conference talks I feel peace and hope and comfort.

Sunday morning One Voice Sang at a Sunrise Service in Provo.  Very different from our Easter worship but they sounded beautiful and I loved the diversity of "Christ is risen."  "Christ is risen indeed."  I love the choir and am going to miss it so much!

Kenzi and I found a fun ladies night at Zermatt and she made an amazing craft.  Fun to just relax with that sweetie.  We were able to enjoy the annual Easter dinner and hunt and Dave and Cam and Josh spent a few days at the cabin chilling ... followed by a fun Virtual Reality trip.

Kenzi is loving life in New York -- and Cam is now up in Logan with a few friends.  So my disappointment in having to cancel Spring break trip is ok.  Lolo ended up with a hurt toe and toenail removal... dang soccer!

Florida, Miracles, I hate chemo and love spring breaking with Lolo

So because I'm me -- I just planned to stay on my every 28 day chemo schedule.  Why?  Did I ever last time?  No.. but instead I planned a spring break trip to St George with Dave and Cam and Lolo invited me to join her on a spring break trip to Florida to stay with our awesome cousins and soak up the sun.

But what happens?  White blood issues after the first chemo and I couldn't have my 2nd chemo. Not sure why I was so shocked - I think we all hope for the best!

So the St. George trip was out -- and the Florida trip was iffy based on white blood and chemo.

My awesome friends did a fast and as always rallied around me giving me strength.  The family was great encouraging me and helping me do everything I could to be able to have my next chemo.

And gratefully just missing one week helped and I was able to have chemo.  I know the prayers and fasting were heard!

Unfotunately the chemo or Nuelsasta shot for white blood, took a toll on me and I did pretty well for a few days but Sunday started to feel awful.  Monday and Tuesday I felt like I could die.  And honestly by noon on Tuesday I feel like I had 100 pounds strapped to my ankles.  I'm assuming it was the nuelasta but it was horrible.  Flying to Florida sounded impossible, but I didn't want to miss the chance to spend a few days with Lolo.  I kept praying that if it would be a good idea to take this trip it would work out.

Wednesday morning I felt a bit better and decided to give it a try.  In the middle of the night Wedneday it was like the chemo and garbage finished it course and I felt totally different.  (Not fabulous but compared to before it was amazing!)

So we made it and we've love hanging on the beach, paddleboarding, eating fabulous food, mini golf and just relaxing.  Toph and Lindsey have an amazing place on the beach and we have been able to hang out with Doug and Tayler too!

So grateful I was able to make it and for Lolo for inviting me and amazing nephews/nieces who love us and take care of us!

Peace .. come unto you.

Lolo and I had a chance to go to church in Florida (more about that later) and heard some great talks from the missionaries.

One missionary shared a scripture ... and I can't find it now.  But it was talking about Peace the Savior gives to us.  And at the end of this scripture it say I come to you.  The missionary talked about the significance in this one that says come to you.  There are several scriptures I love that talk about coming unto me but he emphasized the Savior will come to you.  He can be there in times of trial and stress and his atonements was part of that.  There were some awful school shootings here last month and 17 people died.  One of the girls that died was in the ward this missionary was serving.  He talked about how hard it was to understand all of this for everyone, for the family and for himself.  But he shared that scripture and talked about how Christ will come unto you -- and be there for you -- and help you find peace.

As a mom that feels like I'm not the best mom and wife, a cancer patient who feels icky and discouraged a lot, and a person that wonders how come I can't seem to live up to my full potential I love this.  I love the peace promised.  And I love that Christ will come to me when I need His spirit to be with me!

Comfort Scriptures ... I've used them over and over again -- thanks Jenn!

During my first surgery 6 years ago Jenn Cottle (my go to person in life) gave me a card with a list of scriptures.  She called them her comfort scriptures.  She said she compiled them while doing Personal Progress and one of her kids was struggling.

When I couldn't sleep I would look them up and read them.  As I've had health issues and concerns about kids or YW or life I go them.  I've shared this list I don't know how many times!  I decided today I'm going to read one each day and write what it means to me.  The crazy thing about these scriptures is that depending on my life situation or struggles or good times they something different to me.  

Doctrine and Covenants 123:17 -- Therefore dearly belowever brethern, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

Cheerfully:  Ok I don't always have to be happy.  I wasn't happy about being kicked out of chemo last week and having to cancel and trip with Dave and Cameron cause of my new schedule.  I wasn't happy about missing a dosage and not killing cancer cells.  I wasn't happy about messing up the schedules of those taking me to chemo and bringing us meals.  But I guess I can always try to remain cheerful.  And the NP and Nurses giving me sincere hugs and telling me they were sorry made it  so much easier to smile admist the tears.  And laugh about Brooke now knowing it was Jenn and me honking at her at the stoplight and then telling us to move along.  To open my doors after to my sweet friends Becca and Kristene (who had planned to switch out with Jenn during chemo) and have flowers and lunch and laugh and cry with them rather than feeling sorry for myself!  And Cameron telling me the other night after we found out Kenzi didn't get the Leadership scholarship she had worked so hard for and would have been so awesome at -- that I needed to look at the glass half full, not half empty.  But I can feel sad but then look at the positive as well.

Cheerfully do all things that lie in our power:  Big one for me.  I'm a control freak -- I don't want to be but I am.  I need to realize I can only have infliuence on so much.  So much of my body and health, my kids decisions, YW testimonies, financial issues etc.  But it is my responsible to do my best and seek the spirit in life and go to the temple and read my scriptures and serve others -- and then turn it over.  My sweet friends did a fast for my white blood counts.  I ate really carefully (which isn't supposed to help) and exercised and my friends and family fasted for me.  We did everything we could when given a hard situation.  I feel that way about my kids.  I've made so many parenting mistakes.  I wish I could do it all over again.  And this is one area where I feel like I need to just do my best and then turn it over to my kids and the Lord.  But I certainly am expected to do my part and do everything I can and read and go to the temple and have fun and listen.  We have to do all things that lie in our power.  Like study hard and not waste time for a test -- like exercising and eating right to get in good shape -- like doing all of the little things that keep the spirit in our lives.

And then may we stand still, with the ustmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.  Such a big one for me.  I'm not always a big picture person.  My anxiety gets the best of me sometimes and little details and issues become monumental in my head.  When I get like this I can follow this counsel.  I need to be still, listen to the spirit, look at the eternal perspective, have trust that my kids or YW or even I will make the right decision and if the right decision isn't made then it is ok.  But I need to have trust and faith.  As I look back on life somehow everything works out.  Not perfectly -- or at least not perfectly in my eyes that aren't seeing the big eternal picture and I can't know.  Everytime there is a big YW activity I watch this happen.  Girl's camp with Karen Brown was the perfect example of this.  We plan, we stress, we do crafts, we scavenge for places to stay within our budget, we pray for girls, for weather, for activities, for the spirit, for fun laughter and for tears and times to feel the spirit. Tina Schwab told me a long time ago that in anything like this "Heavenly Father wants it to be sucessful even more than we do -- so we need to do our part and then turn it over to him."  I've passed along that advice to leaders over and over again.  So last year girls camp was perfect. It was led by Karen of course it would be.  The old farm house property near the lake was great.  The added sunroom had enough room.  The outdoors were lovely and calm and relaxing and helped the girls just want to hang out together. The caves were spectacular and having another group get in before our reservation was a blessing -- we had the darling recently graduated YW leading our tour and tying gospel analogies to everything!  Each and every activity was planned so well -- but ultimately Heavenly Father's hand made it just what we needed.  In my current cancer situation and with my kids I need to do evverything I can and fight and love and trust and not feel sorry for myself.  But then I need to trust and turn it over to my Savior and my Heavenly Father!

2 Nephi 31:20.  Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and all men.  Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the words of Christ, and endure to the end, behold thus saith the Father: Ye shall have enternal life. 

 This was the YM/YW theme for Mutual a few years ago and I loved it.  It feels so positive and makes me want to look to the future and have hope.

Press froward with a steadfastness in Christ.  Press forward.  The word press reminds me that life isn't always going to be a "glide" or an "easy walk."  Sometimes it might be a "trudge" or a "climb" but we need to be always pressing and moving forward.  And how do we do it?  With Christ in mind and by our side.  I love the scripture in 2 Nephi 25:26 that talk in Christ, rejoice in Christ, preach in Christ so that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.  When it is hard or easy or some where in between if we always keep Christ as the focus we won't get bogged down in all of the wordly garbage so easily.  If we make mistakes we can keep our eyes forward to Christ and know we will be forgiven.  When we are discouraged or tired or sick we can keep trying to press forward toward Christ.

Hope.  My goodness if life were just this earth -- the here and now I think I would just give up 1/2 of the time.  If the pleasures and worldly recognition of all of this was all that mattered how messed up would I be.  When I made mistakes over and over again and I didn't have hope for forgiveness it would be impossible to care to change and grow and be better. Hope for becoming better, for an opportunity to be with Heavenly Father again, for the real eternal stuff has carried me through cancer, parenting, marriage, lonliness, anxiety and many stresses of life.

 Love of God and all men.  While pressing forward it is easy to focus on yourself.  Pressing is hard sometimes.  But when my focus is on God and other people it is easier to look outward.  When I got cancer 6 years ago after chemo I was feeeling sorry for myslef and anxious about the future.  We started delivering food boxes for the Utah Food Bank. I'm reminded each month how blessed I am and the joy we get from these cute widows who need our help and so appreciate our acts of service helps me stay focused.  Ronald McDonald House, Candy Cane Corner, Festival of Trees, Special Needs, taking cookies to neighbors, going to the temple ... of these services help me to love people and God even more.  I know if I truly love God I'll love His children and serving is what really brings me happiness.  During my 3 years of YW president as stressful as it was my focus really was on serving and loving and building testimonies -- and it doing that I had to really build my own.  It was easier for me to focus on pressing forward at that time. 

Feasting upon the words of Christ.  I could go on forever sharing favorite scriptures here and conference talks.  My day, my week, my world has so much more focus if I'm feasting on the words of Christ, learning, filling my mind and heart with good things. It gives me strength, makes me happy, reminds me what is important.  My nieces Brooke and Jacque are constanting posting and sharing what they've learned from the scriptures.  Brooke's love of the Book of Mormon and how it brings her to Christ was such an example to me.  It is simple, but some how so powerful to feast upon the words of Christ.  So much better than feasting on what the world offers.  

Endure to the end and have eternal life.  These are both huge.  Endure.  Oh my goodness that is a big word and a word I have to fall back to often with cancer.  I love my life in general but I'm not sure I really understood how hard it would be to be married and have kids and be a good mom and wife and then get cancer and feel crappy and be anxious and worry and sometimes think it would be easier the struggle were over.  But I enduring doesn't allow for that.  Enduring is hanging in there and finding the good (like my awesome Survivor Teaching Students program and friends and strength and support.)  Eternal Life.  That is what it is all about.  I get to be with my mom  My family and friends.  This worldly garbage won't matter.  There here and now of learning and growing helps us but it is just a blip on the map of getting to Eternal Life. 

Doctrine and Covenants 127:4

Doctrine and Covenants 84:88

1 Timothy 4:12

John 14:27

Doctrine and Covenants 84:85

Doctrine and Covenants 6:22, 23

Doctrine and Covenants 6:20

Doctrine and Covenants 6:36

Doctrine and Covenants 112:10, 11

Doctrine and Covenants 98:1-3

Doctrine and Covenants 101:16

Doctrine and Covenants 78:17-20, 22

2 Nephi 4:34

Jacob 4:10

Alma 36:3

Words of Mormon 1:7,8

Mosiah 2:5-6

James 5:14-16

D&C 78:17 - 18

D&C 121

Alma 36:27

Mosiah 24:14

Proverbs 3:5-6

Matthew 11:28-30

Mark 4:36-39

Alma 7:11-13

Alma 37:35-37

Alma 38:5

Life Doesn't Always Turn out as Planned ... mine included!

Quote from a Hess family favorite movie While You Were Sleeping:

Okay, there are two things that I remember about my childhood. I just don't remember it being this orange. First, I remember being with my dad. He would get these far off looks in his eyes and he would say, 'life doesn't always turn out the way you planned." I just wish I had realized he was talking about my life

Round 2 of Steph vs. Ovarian Cancer has begun.  And this is definitely not the way I planned it.  I don't want to whine or complain because I've had an incredible 6 years. 

Lauren starting driving and dating and going to dances and got a job and started college and played soccer and is 20!!!!

Kenzi has been singing, and doing leadership and driving and dating and serving and getting her patriarch blessing and getting ready to graduate.

Cam got baptized, is a deacon, plays tons of sports, reads Harry Potter over and over, is kind and handsome and smart and tries to drive and would like to date.

I've been to Washington DC 2x, New York, Paris, Normandy, London, St. George multiple times, Southern California - the beach - Universal - museums probably 10 times.  I've been Scotts house in Washington about 5-6 times for weddings and lobster fest and so much fun!  I've down countless cabin trips and bike rides and fall leaf hikes and Sunday dinners and game nights.  I watched my dad turn 90 and nieces and nephews have babies.  I spent 3 amazingly wonderful/stressful years as YW President with my girls and amazing other girls and felt the spirit and laughed and gone to girls camp and gone to Youth Conference.

I help get the Survivor's Teaching Students program in Utah off the ground and have taught over 500 students and have met the best of friends and lost some amazing friends from the program and my Dr office.  I've traveled to Texas to present and Washington DC to advocate.

I've gained weight and lost weight and had anxiety and depression and been made and been an awful mom and wife and cried and worried but all of that stuff is small compared to the great stuff.

Ok ... so its been an incredible 6 years.  And for that I'm grateful! 

Is it Better ....

Is it better to have a band-aid ripped off slowly, a little bit at a time, bringing with it the anticipation of knowing each tug will hurt a little.

Or is it better to yank it all off at once.  Stinging and painful, but at least it is over quickly and you feel the pain all at once.

Sometimes we don't have the choice.

52 Questions -- 2017

1/29:  My greatest achievement will be my kids -- if they are happy and productive and love the gospel and are good and kind and love to serve.  And know I love them.

If I have I have good friends that know I love them and I'e helped them and made a difference to other people.

I also want to have done my best to teach people about Ovarian Cancer -- love Survivors Teaching Students.


2/5/2017.
Grandma (Ada Ray) and Grandpa Wall  (John Edward Wall) were both living in the colonies in Mexico.  Grandma Wall  lived with a family in a neighboring town and they met.  Grandma Wall said she'd only give kisses to her husband.  Grandpa moved to Logan to go to school and Grandma was in SL going to nursing school.  They met again and there were two girls he had been corresponding with -- and he chose Grandma.  They got married in about 1921.

2/5/2017.  My mom -- she was truly my best friend up until the day she died.  My sisters -- would not have survived without them growing up and even more so as an adult.  Natalie Christiansen has been a lifelong friend -- my freshman year roommates Sue, Julie, Anne and Simone -- Val, Becca, Lisa, Kristene and so many more.  My in-laws, my nieces and my hubby and kids!

Cheryl Pope Packer and Natalie Christiansen Bauer.  I still communicate on facebook with Cheryl.  Nat adn I have stayed close all of these years.  Our kids see eachother as cousins and although we don't live in the same state we see each other and text a lot. Her daughter Jacquelyn had a wedding reception in my dads backyard.

Trust -- kindness -- laughter -- walking -- listener!

What were your favorite hobbies and pastimes in your childhood?
I loved to snow ski and in high school every weekend Natalie and I would go on Saturdays.  We had passess to Big Cottonwood Canyon and would ski at Brighton and Solitude.  I played volleyball in High School and loved to play.  When I was little I loved to play cops and robbers with the neighbor kids, Visiting Teaching with Cheryl and Chinese Torture with Scott and his friends.  I played the piano a lot -- didn't love -- but really glad I did now. 

Do you like to dabble in lots of different hobbies? If so, what are they?
I like to cook/bake.  In college I liked to cross stitch.  I love to exercise, snow shoe, hike and bike.  I enjoy planting flowers.  I love musicals.  I love to travel -- Hawaii, NY, DC,  Love our California trips.

I also love my volunteering with Survivors Teaching Students and my YW!

How has your life been enriched by commitment to causes.
The most recent one is my work with Survivor's Teaching Students.  To me it is one of the biggest blessing of cancer.  My survivor friends are amazing.  They give me strength.  They make me feel normal.  They let me know I'm not alone.  They can related to the unrelated parts of me.  To Rose and Debbie (and Brenda) and others that lost the fight to cancer their courage and example inspired me!

And each time I do a presentation I feel like I could be making a small difference.  I feel like there  has been some meaning in what I experienced. I feel like my problems and efforts to share them could prevent others from going through this.!

Who taught you how to work? What would you want your children and grandchildren to learn from your example?
Definitely my mom and dad.  My dad is the hardest worker I know ... at home or at his office and he has a passion for teaching my kids to work.  My mom never quit -- dedicated to her students, to her family, in the yard, in her church callings and everything. They both taught me to do my best and work hard in church callings, school, work and at home. 

I hope my kids will always work hard in everything they do and serve other people as they work.

What are some of your greatest career achievements so far?  

Home and Heart

What was your childhood home like?  We lived in the same home my whole life.  My parents had just built it ... as of 2017 my dad still lives in it.  It was at the end of a cul-de-sac and perfect.  Big backyard and my room was pink, with pink carpet and a cool light.  The backyard had a waterfall and lot of room for a trampoline, playing games, and a big side hill that seemed to steep in the winter with skiing and sledding.   When I was growing up the driveway was gravel and it is a little steep.  It was a lot of fun to back out of ... I'm the only one that didn't back off the edge.  The yard was beautiful and I had my wedding reception there ... and we've had a lot ever since.

What kinds of things did you collect and display in your childhood bedroom?
How many different homes or apartments have you lived in throughout your life?
What do you love most about where you live now?
What are the barest essentials you would need to make any place a home?

Mothers & Motherhood

How has your mother or being a mother enriched your life?
What lessons have you learned from your grandmothers’ life experiences?
What are some of the stories you loved hearing from your mother’s youth? From your grandmothers’ younger days?
What is the best thing about your relationship with your mother or grandmother?
Who are some important mother figures besides your own mother who have been influential in your life?

Fathers & Fatherhood

What did you enjoy doing with your father when you were a child?
What life lessons have you learned from your father?
What are some of the stories you loved hearing from your father’s youth? From your grandfathers’ younger days?
What are some of the signature phrases, quotes, or sayings that remind you of your dad? Of your grandfathers?
Who are some important father figures besides your own father who have been influential in your life?

Events & Milestones

What do you know about the day you were born?
What were the biggest momentous events in your life and how have they changed you as a person?
What decisions have you made that have had a long-lasting positive effect on your life?
How does your family celebrate significant milestones?
What events and milestones are you still anticipating and looking forward to?

Travels & Vacations

What were your most common childhood vacations like—road trips, visits to grandma’s house, camping trips, weekends at the lake or the beach?
Do you have one special vacation spot that you return to again and again?  What do you love about it?
What are all the different modes of transport you’ve used?
What are the most memorable meals or exotic foods you’ve tried on any of your travels?
What destinations are on your vacation wish list?

Education & School

Who was your most beloved teacher? Why?
What are your memories of school lunch?
What subjects did you excel at in school? Which were hardest for you?
What extracurricular activities did you get involved in?
What valuable lessons have you learned from school that have helped you in your life?

Values & Beliefs

If you had to pinpoint three main values that your parents lived by and tried to instill in you, what would they be?
What personal values do you hold most dear?
What values do you feel are most important to pass down to posterity?
What were the faith and religious traditions of your ancestors?

Causes & Convictions

What motto or creed do you live by?
In what ways do you sacrifice your time to volunteer in your community?
How has your life been enriched by your commitment to causes?
Is there someone in your life who has inspired you to care more about community and global issues?
How has your commitment to make the world a better place evolved throughout your life?

Holidays & Traditions

What were some of your favorite holiday traditions in childhood?
Which were your top three favorite holidays when you were a child? Why?
Which of your childhood holiday traditions have you continued into adulthood?
What are the most memorable and treasured gifts you have received in your life?
What different occasions do you celebrate each year?