Can't Decide if I want to Grow more or not...

Let me preface this by being up front -- this has not been a great week for me emotionally.  I've had some issues that have come up that while not alarming, are not particularly good.  I realize I have only been dealing with this "stuff" for 10 months, but it is beginning to feel like a lifetime and this week I just want it to all be over. 

I was joking with a friend, whose family is also going through a different but very hard and long term trial right now, that I am ok being mediocre.  I realize trials are supposed to strengthen us and make us better, but this week I honestly feel like I'd be perfectly content exactly where I am currently.  No more growth, no more refining -- mediocrity is ok with me.

Another friend and I were talking about trials and she told me about a great conference talk.  I listened to it this morning.  It is by Paul V. Johnson and was entitled "More Than Conquerors through Him That Loved Us."    

The challenge for me this week if believing this and wanting this.  My sweet sister invited me to the temple this week and one of my sweet friends has listened to me worry and complain over and over and over.  I am blessed with so many good people in my life -- if I emotionally hold up through this latest rounds of stress it will be because of them.  

Here are a few parts of the talk that really struck me... and my "is it ok to be happy with mediocre" feeling this week.

At times it may seem that our trials are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope. Since personal growth is an intended outcome of these challenges, it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses. And no one is exempt, especially not Saints striving to do what’s right. Some obedient Saints may ask, “Why me? I’m trying to be good! Why is the Lord allowing this to happen?” The furnace of affliction helps purify even the very best of Saints by burning away the dross in their lives and leaving behind pure gold.⁶ Even very rich ore needs refining to remove impurities. Being good is not enough. We want to become like the Savior, who learned as He suffered “pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind.”⁷

^{In the midst of problems, it is nearly impossible to see that the coming blessings far outweigh the pain, humiliation, or heartbreak we may be experiencing at the time. “No chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.”13 The Apostle Paul taught, “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.”14 It is interesting that Paul uses the term “light affliction.” This comes from a person who was beaten, stoned, shipwrecked, imprisoned, and who experienced many other trials.15 I doubt many of us would label our afflictions light. Yet in comparison to the blessings and growth we ultimately receive, both in this life and in eternity, our afflictions truly are light.}

Sometimes we want to have growth without challenges and to develop strength without any struggle. But growth cannot come by taking the easy way. We clearly understand that an athlete who resists rigorous training will never become a world-class athlete. We must be careful that we don’t resent the very things that help us put on the divine nature.

Not one of the trials and tribulations we face is beyond our limits,because we have access to help from the Lord. We can do all things through Christ, who strengthens us.¹⁶

I'll probably die of a heart attack long before I die of cancer.. and some happier thoughts from chemo today

Clinical Trial #3... well 3 down and 9 more to go.

In usual Stephanie fashion, I couldn't have just a normal chemo.  

I've been having some very infrequent heart racing (180 beats per minute) and I had one this morning.  When I go to chemo it was still at about 120 so they did an EKG.  No big deal really, but emotionally I just want to go to chemo one time and zip in and zip out and have no complications and not cry when I go to chemo.  It really isn't that bad, especially when you are getting the chemo, but I just get so emotional on chemo days.

By the time they hooked up the EKG the heart racing was gone -- they think it is not a big deal.  

(In my mom's family her parents and 2 siblings have all died of heart issues -- ranging in age of 39 to mid-60s.  Fortunately my mom seemed to have missed that gene and all of us kids have healthy hearts.

Wouldn't it be ironic, the woman who was sure she would get breast cancer, instead got Ovarian Cancer and died of a heart attack.  Just kidding... I'm a little punchy and wired from the steroid today.  I have been eating like a horse and am wide awake even though I didn't sleep much last night.)

Thankfully my sweet sister Jenn was there so I didn't have to cry alone.  And she and my chemo nurse Dave did some great ice bag set ups to freeze my feet... I'm getting better at this each month.

I learned today that one of the amazing chemo nurses has had an incredibly personal experience with cancer.  His wife died of breast cancer and he was actually her chemo nurse.  He said he loved being able to be the one to take care of her.  She battled it for 13 years, had a 1 year old when diagnosed and then had another baby after 2 years.  She died 2 years ago.  When he told me his story I tried not to cry... amazed that he can go through this and keep doing what he does.  He said he knows what it is like to be a part of this and he wants to make the process easier for those that don't have great outcome and be a part of helping those who beat cancer.

I also ran into my cute friend Sarah and her daughter.  They were the first 2 Dave and I met at chemo class last March.  Her husband just died of alzheimers in October.  Thankfully she has really awesome kids that are helping her through this.   She is so sweet -- I really do love my cancer friends!!!

And... I am helping to coordinate the SL Survivors Teaching Students program for the National Ovarian Cancer Alliance.  We will go into medical, PA and nursing schools and talk to the students about Ovarian Cancer.  There are 5 of us participating from 22 - 65.  I'll be facilitating the program and I finally got everyone's story off to the National Group!!!! Yay... I've been working on finding woman to participate for the past 2 months!!!  Hopefully we will be able to start soon into the new year. 

So, all and all I know I sound like a whiner, but I did have some really bright moments in my chemo day.

I'm Thankful for...

Being thankful... I have so much to be grateful for this year!    Kenzi and I were driving up 1800 South last Saturday in the big snowstorm and I started to cry.  I was so overwhelmed with the beauty of the day, to be driving in the car with my sweet little Kenzi and the fact that I am here and happy and healthy (relatively speaking).

If you had told me a year ago at this time that in 2012 I would not move (house was under contract this time last year), would be diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer, have major surgery, have chemo and all kinds of complications besides just losing my hair and barfing... I would have never believed it.

But if you had told me about 9 months ago that at Thanksgiving this year I would be healthy enough to be in California and heading to Disneyland and the beach, that I would have a cool new hair cut, and I would be happy and healthy (relatively speaking) I wouldn't have believed that either.  Amazing how perspective can change in such a short period of time. 

So just a few things that I am grateful for today... in no particular order.

Dr. Brown, Dr. Zempolich, all of the great nurses and PAs and other Docs that have taken care of me, good insurance, Dave, Lauren, Kenzi and Cam, my family and Dave's family and everything they have done for us this year, my fabulous friends and neighbors, all of the great people in our ward and stake, my kids' fabulous friends and their families, being able to eat anything, so many acts of service given to our family, hair, Heavenly Father and my Savior, my mom and all of the memories I have of her, scriptures, calming music, no holes in my stomach, soccer, One Voice Children's choir, caring people taking my to chemo and Dr. appointments, foot rubs, exercise, being able to be drive, the peace I have felt at the temple, snow, great teachers at my kids schools, General Conference, great teachers at church, the cabin, sunsets, homemade blue cheese dressing, walks with my family or friends, my church calling and the fact that I am alive, I'm here to enjoy being a mom and still here to enjoy all of these blessings!

Love, love, love it... does that sound vain?

Ok... so I got my official first haircut and style yesterday -- yay for Bethany!

Was a little nervous but I love it.  I really love it.  I probably would never choose this style and color if I had never been bald, but I still love it. 

I was a little nervous about coming to church in my drastic new doo, so sweet Reba Terry text'd me this morning and told me she wait for me and walk into R.S. with me.  I would have walked in without her, but I have to be honest when I walked up and she broke into a huge smile and told me how great I looked it made it much easier to walk in with confidence.  Thanks Reba...just another wonderful example of how little acts of kindness have made such a difference to me over the past year. 

Let's see -- Annie Lenox, Pink, "very European," "does Dave think it is hot?" are just a few comments I received today. 

I've never been good at trying new things so I guess some good can come from have chemo and being bald! (And a side benefit -- it took about 10 seconds to fix today -- it was dry before I even got out of the shower!!)

Lolo 2012 Soccer -- Birthday Present

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Clinical Trial #2 -- Not Sure How I Feel

Had clinical trial #2 Tuesday -- and I'm not sure what to think or how I feel right now.  Left there feeling good and bad.

The Bad:  The past 4 weeks had been manageable -- pretty much everything that I expected until the last week.  It appears that my neuropathy has moved to Stage 2.  My feet have been numb and Sunday started swelling to the point of constant irritation -- awake or asleep.  Monday night I could hardly see my ankles.  It started to affect my fingers... but fortunately at least this morning (and all night long ... yes just love the steroids I have to take before the chemo that keep me up for two days) the fingers seem back to normal.

My Dr. asked me if I wanted to continue on the trial based on how I felt last month.  Answer, a hesitant yes.

My body just seems to be very sensitive to medication -- no surprise there.  She cut the chemo dosage down I think about 30%.  Apparently I can reduce the dosage 2x without having to leave the trial.  

Problem is I want to stay in remission and be alive, but I kind of need to be able to walk and exercise and use my hands and fingers when this is all over.

It is hard knowing I am currently NED and not sure whether this drug will do anything or not.  So is it really worth how I have felt for the last month -- particularly is any of the nerve damage becomes permanent?

I just pray that even though in both kinds of chemo they've had to reduce dosages, it is strong enough to get rid of any remaining traces of cancer. Faith, faith, faith Stephanie.

Can I just say how much I HATE CANCER and ALL OF THE ROTTEN SIDE AFFECTS.

The Good:  On a more positive note, other than crying a few times, I had a great time at chemo.  My super, awesome friend Sue drove up from Lehi and joined me for the morning.  I had planned to just take myself, but Monday  just could feel this was going to be an emotional day and need someone to be there with me. 

We laughed, we talked, she held up my feet and put ice on them (some ideas from other cancer friends) and then she took me to lunch together.  (This is the same wonderful friend that stayed up with me all night when we were Sophomores at BYU when I was super sick and we were waiting for my mom to come down.)  We just may have to make this our monthly ritual for the next year!

Sue holding my feet in the air and with the ice bag ... willing to try anything to get rid of this nueropathy.  And how many people in this world would hold my feet up in the air while I'm getting chemo... thanks Sue!!!!

Me and Sue ... one good part of chemo is my great friend and family that have taken me and  entertain me and take care of me and cry with me and make this whole rotten thing not so rotten.

Rookie of the Year

Tonight ended Lolo's freshman year of soccer -- one word PERFECT.  It is going to be pretty hard for her to have a better experience for the next 3 years.  Great season!  Made it to the finals at Rio Tinto and only lost 1-0 against the team that has made it or won the finals the past 4 years, 2nd Place in the State, wonderful friends, starting as a freshman and social activities galore!  And the best part, despite her chaotic and busy schedule 

She was given the coaches Rookie of the Year Award at the banquet!  

Super proud of her -- she worked so hard.  A few last pictures... not sure why some of these came in so small.

Rio Tinto -- Player Introduction

Lauren and her friend from her club team fighting -- the other girl got a foul.

Pre-game prayer and coach spraying holy water on the starters  "boots."

Halloween Dinner

Purple Hair, Bloody Scars -- It Must Be Halloween

I can't decide if Halloween is fun -- or creepy.  It gives people a chance to be what they secretly would like to be -- which in some cases is pretty creepy.  Although it is not yet Halloween, we've had a week of fun activities from parties to haunted houses... it is just strange to see someone running around with a chain saw.

At our 1st Annual Wall Family Halloween party I got to sport my first "real do" since chemo, and then I wore it again to our Stake YM/YW Special Needs Halloween Carnival.  I'm not quite ready to wear my super short hair cut "out and about" but when I dye it purple and wear it as a part of a Halloween costume it looks pretty cool.

Thanks for Toph even though Dave was sick we enjoyed him anyway and Doug made a great Grandpa.  Yes -- they took home the grand prize.  Yummy food, donuts on a string, mummy contests and more.    

Last night Kenzi and a few of her friends were "creepy children" at a spook alley at the Bountiful High Halloween Dance -- and they loved their bloody scars and loved the chance to creep people out in the graveyard.

We have a cop and a robber. A nickel back (as opposed to Nickel Back) a quarter back, a buck-an-ear (ha ha ha), a pair of blue genes/jeans, an owl, super lighting man, Waldo, green grapes, purple grapes, black-eyed pears, a turkey, Hester Prynne, Grandpa IVon and Uncle Dave.

The Black-Eyed Peas

Vance Cook -- great sport who let me dye his hair purple too!

Even Lyla loved the donut eating contest.

Lorie, Karen and Gavin as mummies.

Terri's super cute mummies.

Toph as Dave -- creepy how much he looked and acted like him.

Funny how much he looked at acted like him.

I

Clinical Trial -- Round 1 -- So far, pretty good

I had my first round of the clinical trial drug -- Xyotax 2 weeks ago today and went for my Nadir check-up and blood test this morning.

Results:

1.  I love the fact that the Xyotax itself only took 15 minutes to administer vs. 3 hours Taxol used to take.  Still have to take a few pre-drugs, and I hate the steroid high for a few days after, but not too bad.

2.  I love the fact that so far my hair isn't falling out.  In the past 14 days after a treatment my hair would fall out.  This morning I pulled and pulled and pulled on my ever growing head of hair and nothing came out.  Keeping my fingers crossed.

3.  Nausea and fatigue -- still here, but not as bad.  My first rounds of chemo hit me hard day 3-10.  Although I was able to be up and around, I spent a good chunk of that time in bed and resting.  I have been tired and I have been nauseated, but nothing to keep me in bed.   Most days I've taken a short nap, but not everyday and not anything like I used to.  Although by the time I hit the bed at night, I am wasted and ache all over.

And I've been able to keep eating my "new and improved eating plan" despite the nausea.  Lisa and I are discovering new green smoothie combinations every day and generally have at least one conversation about a new oil or seed or veggie we need to add, and my kids seems to be getting used to and eating more of the veggies I'm surrounding them with.  And believe it or not, no or very little sugar is not too bad.  I did partake of a Becky Murri oatmeal chocolate chip cookie at a meeting, and had a couple bites of a cinnamon sugar bagel, but I'm surprised at how well I'm doing cutting out most sugar.

4.  Nueropathy and Feet problems.  Unfortunately I had very little of this before and it seems to be a bit of a problem now.  Tingling, numbness, swelling and pain.  Don't want to complain, but not sure I'll be able to do the full dosage for the entire 12 rounds.

5. Platelets and Red Blood seemed to have held up, but my white count is hammered.  Super low and have to be careful of infections.  Surprisingly though so far I have not been hit with Lauren's sore throat and cold she had last week, or the stomach flu she had Monday.  Maybe I'm just used to her germs.

6.  Exercise.  Although I can feel the affects of chemo vs. the 7 weeks when I hadn't had any chemo, I have been able to exercise.  I've been walking, going to the gym, lifting weights (well really light weights) and have gone on a couple of bike rides.

Overall I shouldn't complain, but I do anyway!  Just pray this stuff is doing my body some good -- trying to have faith that I did the right thing and am going to enjoy a long slow dance with NED.

What makes me the happiest?

There are lots of things that make me happy -- I won't use this post to list them all.  But I think one of the most fulfilling things in my life is watching my kids be happy, and watching them succeed -- especially if there is a little adversity involved.

We were discussing plays, musicals, sports, etc. the other night and one of the kids asked Dave what he likes to watch.  His answer "My favorite thing to watch is whatever activity my kids are participating in."  So very true for me too.

Last Saturday Cam had  "Pick for 6" in his flag football game.  He was soooo excited.  Just watching his face as he ran over to the sidelines was priceless -- listening  him tell Dave about it after was even better.

Kenzi did some recording tryouts for some choir things last week.  Listening to her angel voice is the most relaxing, peaceful thing for me.

And as of last night, Lauren and the Bountiful Braves are going to the State playoffs.  They were the underdogs and there defense had been kind of "slammed" in some of the pre-game stuff.  So to watch them win, and dominate, was so exciting!

What made it even better for me was Lauren.  Sunday night she started barfing and threw up about 10 times on Monday.  Monday evening she had a fever and ached all over.  Dave kept telling her about Michael Jordan and how he defeated the Jazz with the stomach flu.  He kept giving her pep talks and told her regardless of how she felt she needed to go out and play and help her team.   Tuesday morning her fever was gone and she was no longer throwing up, but she had a headache and didn't feel good.  But she went to school, she played soccer and she was awesome.  She and the other defenders almost completely shut down the "amazingly fast" Skyline defenders.

I love that she worked so hard all summer and it payed off.  I love that she has worked so hard all fall, has been trying to eat healthy and despite a super busy schedule has done well in school.    I love that she had the flu, that she fought through it and found success.  I know it won't always work out that way, but for today I am so grateful!!

So Friday night at Rio Tinto, watching Jana and Lauren do their best, you'll find one happy mom/aunt!!!

Some thoughts on hair... I don't mind not having it, but don't love being bald

If you could see me now (well maybe not right now since it is 2:32 am and I am in my PJs... wonder if I will ever sleep through the night again) you'd be amazed at how much hair I have.   And my eyebrows.  Wow!  They are coming back in super thick and fast.

Although I'm not loving the color or texture (it feels so chemically and icky), it is super fun to watch it grow back and start to imagine what kind of hairstyle I might have in a few months.  Dave thinks I should stop wearing hats now -- kids not quite so ready for that.

I have to admit, I really don't mind not having hair.  I can get ready to go anywhere in 2 minutes.  I really do like the look of scarfs and hats.  The wind and a nice breeze feels really cool on my bare head.

I just don't like the attention that being "a bald woman" brings.

Everyone has problems.  Everyone has trials.  Lots of people are struggling.  Unfortunately or fortunately for most people we don't know what that trial or struggle is.  As I walk through the grocery store I don't know immediately that the person walking toward me is going through a divorce, or the guy next to me just lost his job, or that the little girl has diabetes.  But everyone knows I have cancer.  (Well everyone but some of Kenzi's friends apparently.  She told me today one of her friends asked her at school why I always wear scarfs.)

Oddly enough the place I feel like I stand out the most is the temple.  I've been going with my dad every week since school started and I'm the only woman I've ever seen wear a turbin/scarf in the temple.  Maybe I've seen it before and just never noticed, but I sure attract attention there.  I'm already super emotional when I go there now, the spirit is so strong and almost overwhelming sometimes.

I know people don't have any unkind intentions with all of the stares at the temple or any place else.  And I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining.  I realize I couldn't have gotten a wig and avoided the very public side of cancer.  It is just that I get lots of double takes.  Lots of sweet smiles.  Lots of sympathy glances.   I can't wait to be the person that blends in again.

When I was at the temple a few weeks ago there was a blind man and a handsome young man in a wheel chair in my session.  As I watched them I realized that in a few months I will no longer be the person that everyone knows has cancer, but that these other two people will always have a very public trial.

Makenzie has said to me several times that me being sick -- and especially being bald -- has made her more aware of people that are different "on the outside" and have more empathy for them.

I hope that I have learned this as well.  I hope I am more accepting and aware.

And as I think about it -- I guess I can also be grateful for the "public ness" of this particular trial.  Many times aches and pains are so personal and private that no one has any idea of what you are facing and I have certainly not had to go through this trial alone.  So I guess I really am grateful for being bald and for all of the love and kindness people have shown me because of it.

Love Dr. Z!! One of my blessings.

Read an article this morning about the most important treatment for Ovarian Cancer is the radical surgery (debulking).  This gives me great hope.  I feel like I was in the hands of an amazing Dr. Zempolich.

Due to complications my chemo didn't go all that great ... and it has been very hard for me to know that.  But when I read articles like this I am feel hopeful.

When I was first diagnosed and my sweet Dr. Brown pulled Dr. Zempolich out of surgery to talk to her and set up an appointment for me, I felt like I was in great hands.  I know it was a little tender mercy I got into Dr. Brown that day, and I felt like I had been led to Dr. Z.  

As I talked to people and found out more about her this was just confirmed.  She is one of the best of the best and has amazing people skills and is so very kind to her patients.  Just what I need!

At her clinic they do outreach for small communities that don't have surgical gynecological oncologists to do the Ovarian Cancer surgery -- she goes to Idaho once a month to treat patients there.

So for today I am reminded of the huge blessing I had that started this whole (icky, but full of blessings too) journey.