If you could see me now (well maybe not right now since it is 2:32 am and I am in my PJs... wonder if I will ever sleep through the night again) you'd be amazed at how much hair I have. And my eyebrows. Wow! They are coming back in super thick and fast.
Although I'm not loving the color or texture (it feels so chemically and icky), it is super fun to watch it grow back and start to imagine what kind of hairstyle I might have in a few months. Dave thinks I should stop wearing hats now -- kids not quite so ready for that.
I have to admit, I really don't mind not having hair. I can get ready to go anywhere in 2 minutes. I really do like the look of scarfs and hats. The wind and a nice breeze feels really cool on my bare head.
I just don't like the attention that being "a bald woman" brings.
Everyone has problems. Everyone has trials. Lots of people are struggling. Unfortunately or fortunately for most people we don't know what that trial or struggle is. As I walk through the grocery store I don't know immediately that the person walking toward me is going through a divorce, or the guy next to me just lost his job, or that the little girl has diabetes. But everyone knows I have cancer. (Well everyone but some of Kenzi's friends apparently. She told me today one of her friends asked her at school why I always wear scarfs.)
Oddly enough the place I feel like I stand out the most is the temple. I've been going with my dad every week since school started and I'm the only woman I've ever seen wear a turbin/scarf in the temple. Maybe I've seen it before and just never noticed, but I sure attract attention there. I'm already super emotional when I go there now, the spirit is so strong and almost overwhelming sometimes.
I know people don't have any unkind intentions with all of the stares at the temple or any place else. And I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining. I realize I couldn't have gotten a wig and avoided the very public side of cancer. It is just that I get lots of double takes. Lots of sweet smiles. Lots of sympathy glances. I can't wait to be the person that blends in again.
When I was at the temple a few weeks ago there was a blind man and a handsome young man in a wheel chair in my session. As I watched them I realized that in a few months I will no longer be the person that everyone knows has cancer, but that these other two people will always have a very public trial.
Makenzie has said to me several times that me being sick -- and especially being bald -- has made her more aware of people that are different "on the outside" and have more empathy for them.
I hope that I have learned this as well. I hope I am more accepting and aware.
And as I think about it -- I guess I can also be grateful for the "public ness" of this particular trial. Many times aches and pains are so personal and private that no one has any idea of what you are facing and I have certainly not had to go through this trial alone. So I guess I really am grateful for being bald and for all of the love and kindness people have shown me because of it.
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