What a Wicked Birthday Kenzi!!

Saturday the 25th was a Wicked birthday for Kenzi -- Happy 13th to my sweet little baby.

What a day -- breakfast in bed, beloved Giraffe Tom's, pedicure with mom, cake and ice cream with Lorie and Jonah (the 3 have birthdays 3 days in a row) and .... the winner of Wicked Raffle tickets ... again!!!

For her birthday she wanted to try one more time to get Wicked tickets.  I thought there would be no possible way she would win 2x but she and Val and I went down anyway.  And who won 4th row tickets -- Kenzi!!!  The people before us were so excited cause it was her birthday.  So when Kenzi won we yelled it was her birthday too.  She was soooo excited, giddy and chatty.  I wanted to cry again!  What are the chances she would win 2x.

Reluctantly, I graciously offered to let Dave take her -- and reluctantly he agreed to go.  He knew how much I loved it, but what a fun daddy-daughter birthday and now Kenzi can have great Wicked memories with both of us.  I told him he better cry at "For Good" and even if he hates it he better tell me how fabulous it was!!!

I'm so glad she had such a fabulous birthday.  No one is more deserving than her.  She is sweet and kind and during the last 7 months has been by my side every step of the way.  She is the first to cry with me, the first to be positive with me, and the first to ask how I am feeling.

She is one of a kind... Happy Birthday Kenzi!!

Bountiful High Soccer -- go Lolo!

Ok so being a Woods Cross Wildcat I thought I'd never become a huge Bountiful High sports fan.  But I'm loving soccer so far.

Lauren (or Lolo as now the whole team calls her -- and I'm a little jealous everyone has taken our family nickname) is loving it.  Car washes, team dinners, dying strips of hair red, mud run, freshman hanging out after team dinners and soccer, soccer, soccer.

Lolo is starting Varsity and doing great.  She mostly plays defense but every once in a while plays forward and even scored a goal in the Cyprus game.  They are in 1st place in their region after the 1st two games.

Loving the coach who does a Catholic prayer with Holy Water before the game, followed by a Mormon prayer, loving the cute older girls who are so good to the "Freshies" and loving the fact that as a team their goal is to have a 3.65 GPA and they emphasize good language, representing the team well and putting education first.

Lauren's First Goal -- love the flippy hair!!

Love this picture.

Back to School

Had 3 super excited kids going back to school this year.  Lauren "king of the school" 9th grader this year, Kenzi so excited and nervous for 7th grade -- a little shocked at the language she heard in the halls, and Cameron love, love, loving his cool 3rd grade teacher and his "Alabama" table to start.

I'm so grateful they all love school so much.

Like everything else in my life right now taking these pictures kind of took my breath away.  I remember like yesterday taking pictures last year -- everyone so excited for the upcoming year -- none of us having any clue what was lurking around the corner.

I think I've pretty much taken every day of my life for granted until now.  Looking at these pictures relishing in the fact that I am here to take these pictures, to watch them go out the door and praying for lots more years of this!!!

Bathing and Laughing in the Rain

Can't really tell from the picture -- but they were dripping!!!

Not sure if it because we've had hardly any rain all summer -- or just because my kids are wacky, but they loved the heavy rainstorm on Sunday evening.

When it began to pour they ran inside to put on "rain clothes" and enjoyed the 10 minutes of downpour. Kenzi and Cameron even tried to wash their hair ... by the time they had that idea it had slowed down a bit and they had to finish up in the shower.

What a beautifrul storm -- Brooke, Kerri, Dave and I even got a little wet just sitting on the front porch.

4 New Emotions/Experiences with Cancer ... and not the good ones.

Isolation -- Mortality -- Self-Consciousness -- No Control.  During the past 7 months in addition to all of the wonderful blessings, tender mercies and acts of service we've received, I've experienced some tough things I've never experienced before.  And I'm not referring to pain, nausea, fatigue, night sweats, hormonal imbalance, hair loss and all of the other physical joys cancer and chemotherapy have brought.  (Although I must admit I really love this no shaving thing!!!)

I've experienced some emotions and "psychological" feelings that are new to me.  Feelings that will hopefully make me be a better more empathetic person in the long-run.  Some I've dealt with better than others.  As I look back it is interesting for me to assess how I felt, which ones I learned to deal with and what I am still feeling.

Isolation:  I've always been a people person and love to be around people and activity.  Being down for three months, followed by a lot of pain with the infections, was a very new experience for me.  I really didn't feel well enough to really care or get depressed about it.

But as I started to feel better and started going out in more public places I felt very strange.  If I was one-on-one with someone or with a small group at home, I was ok.  But when I was with a bigger group or a crowd I began to feel very small, like there was a bubble around me and I just didn't fit in. After being alone or in a very small group for so long it felt so busy and overwhelming to be around big groups of people. 

Everyone seemed to have so much energy and excitement and good things happening to them.  Sometimes it was all I could do to get myself dressed and make it to sacrament meeting or a baseball or soccer game and then when I was there I just wanted to shrink up and go away.

I was at a wedding shower one day (not feeling great) and felt like I was watching the group from above as a 3rd person and not really there.  Not really sure how to describe what I felt.  As soon as I got home I burst into tears -- feels so silly now -- but it was just too overwhelming to be around that many people, and felt so fake as I tried to smile as I told them about my latest setback and infection and try to act happy and optimistic.

I would imagine this is how people with depression must feel.

It took me several weeks of being with groups to get over this feeling -- and sometimes it still creeps in when I'm in a group.  I think part of it is that I feel different from everyone else.  It breaks my heart knowing that there are people that feel this way all of the time and battle with this on a regular basis.

Mortality:  We all think we are invincible -- not really knowing that we really could die at any moment.  But when Drs. talk about "your statistical chances" and people ask about my cancer survival rates, it changes the feeling of being invincible.

I think this hit me hardest the first time when I went to my moms grave at Easter.  As I got out of the car and starting walking to her grave I could hardly breath.  I guess I may have occasionally in the past wondered what year would end up being on my headstone, but for the first time in my life I wondered if I'd be one of those that people walk by and see how young and think "oh how sad -- she must have left kids behind."  Would it be 2014, 2015 or would I laugh 25 years from now when I am still alive and remembering how I felt.  

A couple of weeks later I attended a funeral of a good friend of ours from our ward who died of cancer.  He was diagnosed about 1 month before I was.  I intentionally got there just as it was starting and actually left during the closing song.  I thought I would be ok, but when I walked in and saw his coffin and his family, it was just too much. 

I've got to be honest -- this is still one I'm not doing too well with.   Learning to live -- without worrying about dying -- is going to be one of my biggest obstacles. 

Self-Consciousness:  Bald, no eyelashes, just a few eyebrows -- yup -- Cancer Patient.  Lots of stares,   Lots of sympathy smiles.  Lots of avoiding eye contact.  Lots of people feeling uncomfortable and not knowing what to say.  

I tried a wig once and felt too silly.  I have no problem with wigs.  I had just been so sick and bald at first and by the time I felt good enough to try a wig my kids and dad had all been wearing them for fun, that when I wore the hairpiece with a hat to Costco I felt like I was "playing dress-up" and was more self-conscious than with a hat or scarf.  And I love hats -- always have -- and was a frequent hat wearer even before cancer. 

Walking through the store knowing that people are staring at you.  Having to have the conversation with someone at your kids' track meet or 6th grade graduation or kids' orthodontist summer party as they look at you in your hat and look at your face and say "are you ok?"  "Have you been sick?"  And then watching their sadness as you tell them you have cancer or feeling watching them feel awkward not knowing what to say. 

Strange to feel like I have to text a picture of me to my husband to approve of how I look, to have my girls tell me I am beautiful when I am in tears getting ready (role reversal ... who is the teen here?), 

It is funny though in the last month or so sometimes when I am out in public I forget I am bald.  I forget I look different.  I sometimes can go through the whole grocery store and not even remember I have cancer or feel like someone was looking at me. 

Fortunately I have always had a pretty good self-esteem and outward physical appearance has not been something I overly obsess about.  Sometimes when I am with the kids and I can tell someone was staring and I tell them how lucky they are to have such a hot mom that everyone stares at!  That always gets a good laugh from Lauren.

No Control:  I've always been a bit of a control freak -- and except for the years of infertility and adoptions and my mom dying and our house selling ups and downs ... ok so it was a false sense of control.  

But man oh man, the past 6 months other than my attitude it seems like I have no control of anything.

I've never been seriously sick.  Other than 1 night in the hospital with Cameron I had never been in the hospital.  I thought since I had exercised, eaten well, taken care of myself I could control my body.  

I really thought my years of healthy living, exercise and following the Word of Wisdom would help me breeze through this whole thing.  But having issue after issue, infections that my Dr. had never seen before, having Dave have to do everything for the kids and for me, not being able to drive myself for 3 months, depending on others to get my kids places, accepting the wonderful friends and neighbors who brought food, the friends that insisted on coming in to clean our house a few times was very hard.

Going back to #3 -- Mortality -- was the hardest -- realizing that ultimately the long term outcome of this is not in my hands.  As my Drs. were trying to decide what to do about my port and infections my sweet friend Tammy called to find out their names so she could put them on the prayer roll at the temple.

I think that is when it hit me the hardest -- my life is literally in the hands of my Drs. and ultimately in the hands of Heavenly Father.  I guess that is why I have been focusing so much on scriptures about trust and faith and not doubting and knowing who is in charge.  

Last Chemo!!!!!!

I did it... barely.  White blood count was borderline low but since it was my last time they went ahead and did it.

Dave and the kids and Katie Jones (my personal massage therapist who always rubs my feet at chemo and my back at home) joined me -- thanks Terri for doing the kids ride juggling too!  I got a pleasant surprise during chemo and got a beautiful bouquet from my siblings and dad.  We got to enjoy it during chemo and bring it home tonight.

My cute ovarian cancer friend Rose met me there this morning and gave me these two great shirts her daughter sent her, and my other survivor friend Linda joined us at the end with some gorgeous sunflowers and celebrated as I rang the bell.  Kenzi and I put on the cute shirts and happily listened to the claps from the nurses.  Surprise, surprise -- there were a few tears.  Hugging my favorite nurse Erin who said she never wants me to see my face on "this side of the office" again and talking to Linda about trying to focus on living -- and not living in fear made me get a bit emotional.  I kind of lost it for a few minutes when I got in the car.

We had a little impromptu ice cream FHE with my family and a few friends tonight and enjoyed the sparkling apple cider from the cancer center.  I told the kids we would have a big party in a few weeks.

Tonight I'm going to focus on being done and being grateful.  It was longer than I had planned, harder than I would have ever imagined, and yet in hind site -- do-able.  Just like the plaque above the computer says, I guess the Hess Family "can do hard things!"  And I know it was hard on my whole family, Dave's family and our friends as well -- so again -- tonight I'm going to focus on being done, on feeling relatively well and the great people in my life.

My friend Rosemary and the shirts she gave me.  She and I met at the chemo office and have had fun cheering each other on.  Cam was concerned it had a swear word on it.  I told him in the case of running away from chemo that it was ok to wear it just this once.

Kenzi and Katie warming up the shirts. 

Linda -- met through my oncologist.  She finished her chemo last October.  She's been my texting cheerleader and says we are going to be survivors together!

The Bell!

Kenzi insisted I run in slow motion toward the bell.

Ringing that bell!!!!!!

Banana Split Celebration -- with a bigger party to come...

Wicked ... Amazing!!! And a wicked price too!

Kenzi and I just got back from seeing Wicked.  Amazing!  I'm speechless.  Loved it!  Loved it! Kenzi loved it too -- she couldn't stop smiling!  I kept having to tell her to not sing along with them.

We had awesome seats -- Row A on the Orchestra -- yes front row!!  (Well 3rd row cause they added to rows of chairs in the front to accommodate the huge crowds.)  We were right in front of the speakers and the sound was amazing and seeing their faces close up was so very cool.  We could hear their singing coming from them and not just the speakers.  

I love the music, but had never seen Wicked before.  I laughed -- I cried.  (Someone read the words to "For Good" at a friend's funeral a few years ago and I couldn't help but think of her and her cute family and all of the wonderful people in my life that have changed me for good.)


The other great thing -- we got the tickets for $25.  Val (thank you, thank you) told us about a nightly drawing they do.  A couple of hours before each performance you can go to the Capital Theater and put your name in for a drawing for Orchestra tickets for $25 each.  Kenzi's name was the 2nd one drawn... yeah for Kenzi!  She was so cute and so proud when they called her name.  When we saw Row A on our tickets we couldn't believe it -- they are usually $135 per ticket for the seats we were in.  After we got the tickets we had an hour to kill so we wandered around City Creek, a cute girl at Nordstrom did some make-up and gave me fake eyebrows and we had some dinner. 

So thanks Val, thanks Kenzi for being lucky and for the great girls night out, thanks Jenn for going with us to try to get tickets -- sorry you didn't get any but I don't feel quite as bad since you've seen it before -- and Wicked was well... wicked!

Survivors at the Summit -- A little too personal this year!

For the past 4 years Kenzi's  choir has performed at Snowbird's "Survivors at the Summit."  These sweet voices at the top of the tram with cancer survivors and families and friends hiking in honor of those they have lost always chokes me up -- I never go to this one without sun glasses.

Due to a late night wedding the night before, it didn't really hit me this year how I would feel at this performance.  The narrative encouraging cancer survivors and families and listening to Kenzi sing a couple of beautiful solos was almost too much for me.

This year they sang at the bottom while participants ate breakfast and got ready for their hikes.

Last year I remember shedding a few tears for my mom and Beki and Roxanne.   Never in my wildest dreams did I think that a year later I would be shedding a tear for my sweet little kids that have had to deal with this, Dave, my family, my friends and me.

Loving Alma

Some of my favorite scriptures are in Alma -- one of my sweetest hospital experiences with my mom was when reading about the resurrection with her in Alma.

But this time through I keep finding scripture after scripture that seems to be written for what I need to learn and need to get through at this time. 

Alma 36:
3:  "for I do know that whosoever shall put their ^atrust in God shall be supported in their ^btrials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be ^clifted up at the last day.

27:  And I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions; yea, God has ^adelivered me from (surgery) prison, and from (infected ports) bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still ^bdeliver me.

I Can See a Light at the end of the Tunnel ... here's to hoping it isn't a train!

I went to my NADIR appointment Thursday afternoon and for the first time feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  My numbers look good -- white blood, platelets are good and CA 125 was 9 when it was measured at my last chemo.  


I saw a different PA this time that I had never met before and he was amazed at how good I looked.  He said he was not expecting to see me look so healthy after my 5th round of chemo.  Not sure if he was just saying that to be nice -- but I really have been feeling better the last month.  First time since my surgery there hasn't been a set back or some kind of complication between chemos.  


I'm not holding my breath that my last chemo will actually be on the 13th -- for some reason my numbers tend to drop lower after my NADIR appointment which is supposed to be the lowest point in the cycle -- but knowing it is coming is a great feeling. 


There is a chance they may a year of maintenance chemo, but I'll deal with that when/if the time comes. 


For the past 6 months I've really been focusing on healing myself physically, I think my next big hurdle will be healing emotionally and not worrying about the cancer coming back.  I know that was a very hard thing for my mom after her surgery.  To just enjoy life, live it to the fullest and not to worry if when I go back into my next 3 months check up if the news will be good or bad.  I know for a while it will always be in the back of my mind and I don't want to live like that.


When I was in the hospital after my surgery I saw a video on lds.org about a young man in his 20s who has had 4 recurrences of cancer since he and his wife were married.  He talked about how you go to your 3 month check up and it is like a walking in a revolving door.  You just don't know which side you are going to end up walking out of that day. 


I've already been through the "just living and loving life" and then walking out of a Dr. office feeling like I was just slammed into a brick wall and I just pray that I'm not going to have to go through that again. 


Putting 100% trust in Heavenly Father and His knowing what is best for me and my family has been at times hard because I know what I want the outcome to be -- but I fully realize that what I want is not always what may necessarily be best for me.  


When I was diagnosed with cancer I decided I would not negotiate with Heavenly Father for how much time I wanted here -- because if I did unless I live to be 100 I'm sure it will probably never feel like enough time.  When my mom got cancer she prayed she would live long enough to see a few things happen -- which she did -- and for that I am grateful.  But when she was dying I remember thinking mom why didn't you ask that you could live to see me become a mom, or watch your grand kids all get married, etc.  So I decided I wasn't going to negotiate, I would just pray for what is best for me and my kids.  


But I read a scripture in Alma the other day "for I know that he granteth unto men according to their^adesire, whether it be unto death or unto life;"  


The context of this scripture I believe is more talking about our free agency and ability to choose what path we will follow, good or evil, but as I read that "he granteth unto men according to their desire" it hit me.  I need to let Heavenly Father know what I want and what is my desire.  Then trust Him.  So I did that.  I've made it very clear in some heart felt, tearful prayers as to what I want.  


Now I need to trust him.  I need to live my life and not live it in fear.  Not sure how I am really going to be best deal with this, but for now I just keep going back to the scriptures that have been hanging on my wall for months -- particularly "doubt not, fear not" and "all flesh is in my hands, be still and know that I am God."