Last Chemo!!!!!!

I did it... barely.  White blood count was borderline low but since it was my last time they went ahead and did it.

Dave and the kids and Katie Jones (my personal massage therapist who always rubs my feet at chemo and my back at home) joined me -- thanks Terri for doing the kids ride juggling too!  I got a pleasant surprise during chemo and got a beautiful bouquet from my siblings and dad.  We got to enjoy it during chemo and bring it home tonight.

My cute ovarian cancer friend Rose met me there this morning and gave me these two great shirts her daughter sent her, and my other survivor friend Linda joined us at the end with some gorgeous sunflowers and celebrated as I rang the bell.  Kenzi and I put on the cute shirts and happily listened to the claps from the nurses.  Surprise, surprise -- there were a few tears.  Hugging my favorite nurse Erin who said she never wants me to see my face on "this side of the office" again and talking to Linda about trying to focus on living -- and not living in fear made me get a bit emotional.  I kind of lost it for a few minutes when I got in the car.

We had a little impromptu ice cream FHE with my family and a few friends tonight and enjoyed the sparkling apple cider from the cancer center.  I told the kids we would have a big party in a few weeks.

Tonight I'm going to focus on being done and being grateful.  It was longer than I had planned, harder than I would have ever imagined, and yet in hind site -- do-able.  Just like the plaque above the computer says, I guess the Hess Family "can do hard things!"  And I know it was hard on my whole family, Dave's family and our friends as well -- so again -- tonight I'm going to focus on being done, on feeling relatively well and the great people in my life.

My friend Rosemary and the shirts she gave me.  She and I met at the chemo office and have had fun cheering each other on.  Cam was concerned it had a swear word on it.  I told him in the case of running away from chemo that it was ok to wear it just this once.

Kenzi and Katie warming up the shirts. 

Linda -- met through my oncologist.  She finished her chemo last October.  She's been my texting cheerleader and says we are going to be survivors together!

The Bell!

Kenzi insisted I run in slow motion toward the bell.

Ringing that bell!!!!!!

Banana Split Celebration -- with a bigger party to come...

Wicked ... Amazing!!! And a wicked price too!

Kenzi and I just got back from seeing Wicked.  Amazing!  I'm speechless.  Loved it!  Loved it! Kenzi loved it too -- she couldn't stop smiling!  I kept having to tell her to not sing along with them.

We had awesome seats -- Row A on the Orchestra -- yes front row!!  (Well 3rd row cause they added to rows of chairs in the front to accommodate the huge crowds.)  We were right in front of the speakers and the sound was amazing and seeing their faces close up was so very cool.  We could hear their singing coming from them and not just the speakers.  

I love the music, but had never seen Wicked before.  I laughed -- I cried.  (Someone read the words to "For Good" at a friend's funeral a few years ago and I couldn't help but think of her and her cute family and all of the wonderful people in my life that have changed me for good.)


The other great thing -- we got the tickets for $25.  Val (thank you, thank you) told us about a nightly drawing they do.  A couple of hours before each performance you can go to the Capital Theater and put your name in for a drawing for Orchestra tickets for $25 each.  Kenzi's name was the 2nd one drawn... yeah for Kenzi!  She was so cute and so proud when they called her name.  When we saw Row A on our tickets we couldn't believe it -- they are usually $135 per ticket for the seats we were in.  After we got the tickets we had an hour to kill so we wandered around City Creek, a cute girl at Nordstrom did some make-up and gave me fake eyebrows and we had some dinner. 

So thanks Val, thanks Kenzi for being lucky and for the great girls night out, thanks Jenn for going with us to try to get tickets -- sorry you didn't get any but I don't feel quite as bad since you've seen it before -- and Wicked was well... wicked!

Survivors at the Summit -- A little too personal this year!

For the past 4 years Kenzi's  choir has performed at Snowbird's "Survivors at the Summit."  These sweet voices at the top of the tram with cancer survivors and families and friends hiking in honor of those they have lost always chokes me up -- I never go to this one without sun glasses.

Due to a late night wedding the night before, it didn't really hit me this year how I would feel at this performance.  The narrative encouraging cancer survivors and families and listening to Kenzi sing a couple of beautiful solos was almost too much for me.

This year they sang at the bottom while participants ate breakfast and got ready for their hikes.

Last year I remember shedding a few tears for my mom and Beki and Roxanne.   Never in my wildest dreams did I think that a year later I would be shedding a tear for my sweet little kids that have had to deal with this, Dave, my family, my friends and me.

Loving Alma

Some of my favorite scriptures are in Alma -- one of my sweetest hospital experiences with my mom was when reading about the resurrection with her in Alma.

But this time through I keep finding scripture after scripture that seems to be written for what I need to learn and need to get through at this time. 

Alma 36:
3:  "for I do know that whosoever shall put their ^atrust in God shall be supported in their ^btrials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be ^clifted up at the last day.

27:  And I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions; yea, God has ^adelivered me from (surgery) prison, and from (infected ports) bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still ^bdeliver me.

I Can See a Light at the end of the Tunnel ... here's to hoping it isn't a train!

I went to my NADIR appointment Thursday afternoon and for the first time feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  My numbers look good -- white blood, platelets are good and CA 125 was 9 when it was measured at my last chemo.  


I saw a different PA this time that I had never met before and he was amazed at how good I looked.  He said he was not expecting to see me look so healthy after my 5th round of chemo.  Not sure if he was just saying that to be nice -- but I really have been feeling better the last month.  First time since my surgery there hasn't been a set back or some kind of complication between chemos.  


I'm not holding my breath that my last chemo will actually be on the 13th -- for some reason my numbers tend to drop lower after my NADIR appointment which is supposed to be the lowest point in the cycle -- but knowing it is coming is a great feeling. 


There is a chance they may a year of maintenance chemo, but I'll deal with that when/if the time comes. 


For the past 6 months I've really been focusing on healing myself physically, I think my next big hurdle will be healing emotionally and not worrying about the cancer coming back.  I know that was a very hard thing for my mom after her surgery.  To just enjoy life, live it to the fullest and not to worry if when I go back into my next 3 months check up if the news will be good or bad.  I know for a while it will always be in the back of my mind and I don't want to live like that.


When I was in the hospital after my surgery I saw a video on lds.org about a young man in his 20s who has had 4 recurrences of cancer since he and his wife were married.  He talked about how you go to your 3 month check up and it is like a walking in a revolving door.  You just don't know which side you are going to end up walking out of that day. 


I've already been through the "just living and loving life" and then walking out of a Dr. office feeling like I was just slammed into a brick wall and I just pray that I'm not going to have to go through that again. 


Putting 100% trust in Heavenly Father and His knowing what is best for me and my family has been at times hard because I know what I want the outcome to be -- but I fully realize that what I want is not always what may necessarily be best for me.  


When I was diagnosed with cancer I decided I would not negotiate with Heavenly Father for how much time I wanted here -- because if I did unless I live to be 100 I'm sure it will probably never feel like enough time.  When my mom got cancer she prayed she would live long enough to see a few things happen -- which she did -- and for that I am grateful.  But when she was dying I remember thinking mom why didn't you ask that you could live to see me become a mom, or watch your grand kids all get married, etc.  So I decided I wasn't going to negotiate, I would just pray for what is best for me and my kids.  


But I read a scripture in Alma the other day "for I know that he granteth unto men according to their^adesire, whether it be unto death or unto life;"  


The context of this scripture I believe is more talking about our free agency and ability to choose what path we will follow, good or evil, but as I read that "he granteth unto men according to their desire" it hit me.  I need to let Heavenly Father know what I want and what is my desire.  Then trust Him.  So I did that.  I've made it very clear in some heart felt, tearful prayers as to what I want.  


Now I need to trust him.  I need to live my life and not live it in fear.  Not sure how I am really going to be best deal with this, but for now I just keep going back to the scriptures that have been hanging on my wall for months -- particularly "doubt not, fear not" and "all flesh is in my hands, be still and know that I am God."  

So Excited for Lolo!!! ... and for selfish reasons myself too!

For about 10 years Lauren has been playing soccer.  Even from those 3 and 4 year old days she took it pretty seriously.  She was never the flower picking, cart wheel turning player.  She was aggressive (sometimes a bit too much), fast and loved it.

To say the least we have spent a lot of time, a lot of time, a lot of time watching her play, taking her to practice, going to tournaments, etc.  She has sacrificed a lot to improve each year.  She's missed lots of hanging out with friends, waterskiing and fun stuff for soccer.  This summer she has played or conditioned sometimes 6 hours in a day.  She got up for a month and did a conditioning class from 7:30am - 9:00am every morning -- had practice, technical training -- and spent at least 1/2 hour a day kicking the ball against the house.  I've always said if it keeps her healthy, out of trouble and she is enjoying it then it is worth it.

Well today she got a big reward for her hard work -- she made the Bountiful High Soccer Team!!!!!!


So excited for her.  There seems to be a great group of older girls she will be playing with, super nice other freshman that made it, and a good coach.  They start practices tomorrow morning, have a dinner, ropes course and zumba fun planned and then their first game.  It is so fun to see these girls, a couple of which she has played with on and off since she was 4, all make the team and be so excited together.

So excited for me.  No driving her all over for the next 3 months. No club soccer for 3 months.  They practice at MJH so she switched her schedule and has PE 7th period so she'll just head out the door and through the parking lot to practice every day.  I know exactly when the games are scheduled.  The ride the bus to every game so I get to show up just before the game and cheer them on.

So go Lolo, go Braves and her is to a great summer/fall of soccer!!!

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Sea World & Chemo ... A Good Day all Around

More beach, Sea Lions at La Jolla, Old Town San Diego, Beach, Mormon Battalion Museum (Great Grandpa Bevan is honored there) and Sea World.  The kids are loving Sea World -- Cam's first time as an older kid -- Cam got soaked in the Shamu soak zone!

Me... had chemo today!  Barely... platelets were low (where they were before) but my White Blood was higher and infection fighting cells were higher too so she did it.  I have to be careful of bruising and bleeding -- I got a big bruise just helping Lorie move something.  Lorie and Katie and Trevor (my handsome just returned from Argentina Mission nephew) were my escorts.  Feeling pretty good tonight but a little lightheaded.  Ran into my cute friend Rose today -- she has a shirt for me in honor of my last time.  Hoping to take her to lunch sometime.

Felt good tonight -- even played some water baseball at Lorie's new house tonight... walking around the bases of course.

San Diego -- So Jealous... But so Glad!

An hour after the girls got home from Girl's Camp (great, great week -- more about it later) they jumped in the car with Cam and Dave and headed to San Diego to Lolo's soccer tournament.

Although it will be a whirlwind trip -- arrive at 11:00 pm, 2 games on Saturday, church and San Diego temple and site seeing on Sunday, hopefully finals on Monday and Sea World on Tuesday (thanks Ray and Cathy) and then another 11 hours home -- so far they are all glad they are there.

They went to the beach for a bit before Lauren's first game and have ended up back there before the next game.

Wishing I were with them -- but alas -- chemo calls my name on Monday morning!!!

4th of July -- Camping with Cottles

The 4th of July was pretty calm this year -- chemo for me a couple of days before and some fireworks.

Cameron and Lauren went camping with the Cottles and had a great time.  Kenzi didn't go ... a little outdoor potty phobia ... and didn't realize there were bathrooms.

Lauren, Kenzi and Dave volunteered at Stadium of Fire and went to the show on the 4th -- while Lorie, Kerri, Cam and I just watched from the outside.

Chicks Cafe after a cabin sleepover -- good (and fattening) way to end the celebration!

Amazing Grace and Amazing People in My Life

I know I have said this before, but one of the biggest blessings I have received in my life is being surrounded by so many good people during the past 5 months.  A friend told me a few months ago she always hoped she could be at her own funeral so she can hear how much she really was loved -- I don't have to hope for that -- I have been blessed to see all of the good and wonderful people in my life right now.  It would take me days to write about all of love and big and little acts of service I have received.  

I do have to share a couple of experiences I've had in the last few weeks.

After being chemo rejected two weeks in a row, I was pretty darn devastated and feeling about as low emotionally as I had been since I February.  This didn't last for long though.  I had so many people let me know they were fasting and praying for me and I can't begin to explain how much this lifted me.  My heavy heart and negative thoughts were pushed aside as I realized how many prayers were being offered in my behalf.  

I had to chance to be a part of two of  fasts with people I love and admire.  Two times that week I had a chance be part of a group fast and kneel down with people I love and hear them pray for me and my Drs. and my kids.  I got to watch my kids follow the example of family and friends and fast for 24 hours for me (which was tough for Cameron who kept saying all afternoon that in 5 more minutes he was going to break his fast and someone managed to make it the whole time.)  

Do you know how humbling and amazing it is to feel the spirit at the end of a fast and be the recipient of the love and prayers and blessings?  

I also received a treasured gift at the end of one of these fasts.  My entire family -- spearheaded by the brains of Mandy and talents of Jacque -- gave me a quilt that they had been working on for months.  (I can't even begin to imagine how much time Jacque spent on this and the thought and creativity that went into the squares.)  After we ended the fast they gave me an incredible quilt that included a square from everyone in my family.  We sat there for probably a half an hour and looked at each square and laughed and cried about the pictures, the thoughts and the stories behind each of the squares.  

It is overwhelming and an amazing blessing to have good, kind, wonderful loving family and friends and neighbors and even acquaintances who are getting me through this through fasting, praying, phone calls, txts, emails, cards, food, service, visits, smiles, taking care of my kids, encouragement and love!

Happy Chemo ... or at least not negative chemo

When I was at chemo and my shots last Monday and Tuesday, I noticed kind of a strange thing.  As depressing and awful as chemo is -- there is something positive about being there and watching people doing their best to overcome an awful thing and seeing people reach out to another person who is probably worse off than they are.

Don't get me wrong, it is not a happy and cheerful place, and it can be rather depressing.  The office I go to is an older office and isn't the most beautifully decorated, comfortable office.  But there is something about watching everyone there.

I've seen people get sick and cry and need oxygen and have Drs. and nurses rush to them, but I've never heard patients whine or complain or be nasty to other people.  As you walk up and down the aisle with your drugs attached to you and you are headed to the bathroom everyone smiles and gives you the "you can do it" look.  In the waiting rooms it is very common to swap cancer and surgery stories, encourage a new person about how losing your hair isn't too bad, and clap and wipe back tears when someone is leaving for the last time and gets to ring the bell.

I think part of it is that you can't feel sorry for yourself at chemo.  There is always someone worse off than you are.  When I go to church or to an event with the kids or to the store, I can look around and wish that I was living a "normal" life right now.  But at chemo I just count my blessings and realize we all have tough things to face. 


I've watched a dad do his chemo with 2 little girls sitting on his lap and read books to him and his wife have to wheel him out in a wheel chair when he was done.  Last week there was a cute girl probably 17 with a mom younger than me.  She had a feeding tube and looked so sick and frail.  One of my chemo breast cancer friends has a husband with Alzheimer's and he doesn't even know her anymore.  She can never be the patient at home like I am because she has to take care of him.  My cute 75 year old Ovarian cancer friend I met last week lives alone -- her kids live out of state -- she was ringing the bell by herself after her last chemo because her brothers wife had died and he was getting ready for the viewing.  I met a sweet family whose mom (probably 55) was starting her first chemo.  The husband, sister and one daughter were all with her.  They wanted to talk about losing hair, finding cute hats and what was in store for them.  The sister was planning to shave her head when her sister lost her hair.  


When I took Kenzi with me to get my shot on Tuesday she was like a star.  My Drs. and nurses and chemo friends I ran into loved seeing her, told her how beautiful she was and were so sweet.

I love seeing the human spirit doing its best to reach out to others and try to stay positive and fight.  I love that everyone there is just cheering on everyone else -- no competitions, no keeping up with the Jones, now comparing one another.  Just positive thoughts and hopes for other people who are in there facing the same "garbage" you are.

I've Come a Long Way Baby... And No More Nurses and Holes!

Chemo Round #4 has not been too bad -- I've been a bit nauseated (but only have had to take pills a couple of times) and had a few days of some pretty intense aching (mostly bum and hips... go figure).  I've also had really stiff and tight muscles, particularly during the night on my thighs -- which is why I am blogging at 4am.

Dave and I were chatting earlier about how even with chemo, I'm so much healthier (on the outside, just  praying the same for the inside) than I was for the first 3 months.  My sister-in-law commented that for February, March and April I just kind of existed.  I didn't realize it at the time, but as I look back at how I felt, what I was able to do and what I even remember she is definitely right.  

*  No more holes!!!  I haven't had a nurse come to our house for 2 weeks now.  I loved the nurses, but it is so great to shower when I want, get up when I want, come and go when I want and not have holes in my stomach!!  (I now have one of the world's ugliest stomachs, but oh well... bikini modeling was in the cards for me anyway.)

*  I can watch movies.  Until about May I felt so icky the thought of concentrating on a movie, on the couch, with the family was too much.  I remember watching a movie with the kids in April and being so miserable just wanting it to be over.  We watched 17 Miracles for FHE tonight and I sat and relaxed and ate popcorn and didn't have to force myself to watch it.

*  I can play games someplace besides my bed.  I love to play games and Cam has been an anxious opponent since my surgery.  He used to bring a game to my bed and I would try to find a position comfortable enough to partially sit up long enough to play with him.  It was really that last thing I wanted to do, but I wanted to be a normal mom and have some interaction with him.  Now we play inside, outside and I'm the one begging him to play with me.

*  Food sounds good, tastes good and I no longer have to drink high calorie ensure to make sure I'm getting enough calories and vitamins.

*  I can sleep on my stomach.  I can kneel down for family prayer.  I can sit at dinner with the family and not have to go lie down after 5 minutes.

*  I can do a sit up and get out of bed without an effort.  Losing my stomach muscles after surgery and having the holes completely wiped out my stomach muscles.  I actually layed flat on the floor tonight and did a few sit ups.  Seriously never thought I'd do stomach things without major effort again.

*  Drive the speed limit, wear a seatbelt and not cringe over every bump.  Again looking back it seems so strange, but it was such an effort to even be a passenger in the car.  Every bump hurt my infection and when I was actually the driver it took so much concentration and effort that I would find myself driving way under the speed limit and being as cautious as a 90 year old grandma!

*  Stand up straight and not hold my rib cage.  I seriously worried I would be a hunched woman forever.  My muscles were tight and it hurt to stand straight.  My Dr. and Dave kept telling me I had to start standing straight and stretching my muscles, but that dang port just wouldn't let me.  I looked at a picture of me the other day and realized how hunched I really was.

* I can make it through the day being up more than down.  I still have to rest and have a nap or two every day, and I definitely do not have the energy or drive to be doing and moving like I once had, but most of my day is not spent in bed.

I am continually amazed at the human body and its ability to heal and fight.   There were so many times I was so frustrated that I have lived the word of wisdom and taken care of my body my whole life, and yet I felt like I was falling apart.  As I look back I can see that even with set backs, slowly but surely my body is regaining its strength and despite the cancer, the chemo, the infections, my body is relatively strong.  Even with low white blood count and lack of sleep for 5 months I've yet to get sick with a cold, flu or fever ... knock on wood.

I can't wait to look back in several more months and be amazed at how much progress I've made again! 

Happy 4th to me and Happy 4th to You!

Thanks to fasting, prayer, expensive shots and lots of positive thoughts I had chemo #4 today.  My numbers were all in good ranges and I'm home and feeling good.

As always, in a strange way it was a nice day.  Terri took me and it was a really slow day at the chemo office.  We sat by the cute Ovarian cancer lady I met last week who was there for her last day, and my friend Linda who is also an ovarian cancer survivor (1 year ago started chemo) brought us lunch and hung out with Terri and me.

Here's to a great 4th chemo to me and a Happy 4th of July to everyone!