I Can See a Light at the end of the Tunnel ... here's to hoping it isn't a train!

I went to my NADIR appointment Thursday afternoon and for the first time feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  My numbers look good -- white blood, platelets are good and CA 125 was 9 when it was measured at my last chemo.  


I saw a different PA this time that I had never met before and he was amazed at how good I looked.  He said he was not expecting to see me look so healthy after my 5th round of chemo.  Not sure if he was just saying that to be nice -- but I really have been feeling better the last month.  First time since my surgery there hasn't been a set back or some kind of complication between chemos.  


I'm not holding my breath that my last chemo will actually be on the 13th -- for some reason my numbers tend to drop lower after my NADIR appointment which is supposed to be the lowest point in the cycle -- but knowing it is coming is a great feeling. 


There is a chance they may a year of maintenance chemo, but I'll deal with that when/if the time comes. 


For the past 6 months I've really been focusing on healing myself physically, I think my next big hurdle will be healing emotionally and not worrying about the cancer coming back.  I know that was a very hard thing for my mom after her surgery.  To just enjoy life, live it to the fullest and not to worry if when I go back into my next 3 months check up if the news will be good or bad.  I know for a while it will always be in the back of my mind and I don't want to live like that.


When I was in the hospital after my surgery I saw a video on lds.org about a young man in his 20s who has had 4 recurrences of cancer since he and his wife were married.  He talked about how you go to your 3 month check up and it is like a walking in a revolving door.  You just don't know which side you are going to end up walking out of that day. 


I've already been through the "just living and loving life" and then walking out of a Dr. office feeling like I was just slammed into a brick wall and I just pray that I'm not going to have to go through that again. 


Putting 100% trust in Heavenly Father and His knowing what is best for me and my family has been at times hard because I know what I want the outcome to be -- but I fully realize that what I want is not always what may necessarily be best for me.  


When I was diagnosed with cancer I decided I would not negotiate with Heavenly Father for how much time I wanted here -- because if I did unless I live to be 100 I'm sure it will probably never feel like enough time.  When my mom got cancer she prayed she would live long enough to see a few things happen -- which she did -- and for that I am grateful.  But when she was dying I remember thinking mom why didn't you ask that you could live to see me become a mom, or watch your grand kids all get married, etc.  So I decided I wasn't going to negotiate, I would just pray for what is best for me and my kids.  


But I read a scripture in Alma the other day "for I know that he granteth unto men according to their^adesire, whether it be unto death or unto life;"  


The context of this scripture I believe is more talking about our free agency and ability to choose what path we will follow, good or evil, but as I read that "he granteth unto men according to their desire" it hit me.  I need to let Heavenly Father know what I want and what is my desire.  Then trust Him.  So I did that.  I've made it very clear in some heart felt, tearful prayers as to what I want.  


Now I need to trust him.  I need to live my life and not live it in fear.  Not sure how I am really going to be best deal with this, but for now I just keep going back to the scriptures that have been hanging on my wall for months -- particularly "doubt not, fear not" and "all flesh is in my hands, be still and know that I am God."