Chemo Round 4... Didn't Happen

So I was rejected at chemo yesterday ... no one likes rejection particularly when you have geared yourself up emotionally and physically for something you absolutely hate, but know you must do ... and then it doesn't  happen. 


(I love Roxanne's analogy -- it is like someone who is afraid of heights and water agrees to climb up to the high dive and jump off.  They reluctantly go up each stair, inch their way to the edge and just as they finally have the courage to jump they are told to go back across the board, down the stairs and come back next week to do it.)


My platelets were at 88 -- normal is 140-450.  (Platelets control blood clotting.)  At my mid-chemo nadir appointment 1 1/2 weeks ago they were at 222.  That is supposed to be the lowest point in your blood during the chemo cycle.  But for some reason mine hit almost rock bottom.


Ironically my white blood count was super low at the last appointment, but had been climbing back up and was within levels that they would have done chemo based on white blood.


Good thing I'm not a swearer or you would have heard a few bad words -- unfortunately I'm a cryer so the Dr. and nurses and everyone at the office had to watch me be mad and disappointed through tears.  They are all so sweet but what do you say to a teary woman who just got rejected from chemo?!


I JUST WANT TO GET THIS WHOLE THING OVER WITH.  I JUST WANT TO GET ALL OF THESE HORRIBLE POISONOUS CHEMICALS IN MY BODY TO KILL THE CANCER SO I AM DONE.   Is that too much to ask?


The frustrating part is that because of the IP infection I can no longer have the really strong chemo in my abdomen.  And now because of low platelets when they start again (hopefully on Monday) they will have to reduce the strength of the chemo. 


As my friend reminded me my body has always been super sensitive to medication -- so maybe it doesn't need as strong of chemo as they had started with.  Maybe the cancer cells are just fine being killed off with lower doses that are spread apart a little more.  Maybe with this I won't have some of the long term side affects that chemo often leaves.


I have 100% faith that Heavenly Father is control of all of this and that I need to trust Him.  Again (and again and again and again) I repeat this scripture in my head -- for all flesh is in mine ^ahands; be still and ^bknow that I am God.


So along with having trust I'm going to look at some positives:


1.  My cute niece Katie had agreed to set up an online dating profile to keep me entertained at chemo.  (She said she couldn't shave her head for me but the least she could do would be do entertain me for a day.)  Even though I didn't get the chemo we came home and set up her profile and laughed and had a great time going through the website.  


2.  The kids and Katie and I got to spend a few hours at the park having lunch and relaxing yesterday rather than me laying at chemo all day. 


3.  I am learning patience.


4.  I am learning to let go of the need for control and put things in Heavenly Father's hands.  I'm a bit of a control freak so this is a hard one for me. 


5. I am learning to just appreciate what is happening each day and not looking too far into the future worrying about what comes next.


6.  I am coming to appreciate the amazing human body and how lucky I have been to this point in my life to be so healthy.  


7.  The girls are going to Youth Conference this week and I had just planned that I would be sick with Cam for a few days.  Now he and I can go do a few fun things together. 


8.  I am learning to eat healthier food.  I'm really trying to eat lots of fruits and veggies and drink tons of water.  I'm finding that a bowl full of veggies as a snack is something I look forward to.  (I so hope this is one I can keep up after chemo, but realistically this will be one I'm sure I'll have some struggles keeping up on.)


9.  I feel good enough to make a yummy dessert for my fabulous dad who turns 85 today!!!