The Gift of Time...

"The gift of time starts to feel like a present spoiled by uncertainty about the future.  With cancer you can't win for losing."

I hate that I am using this quote again, but this thought is so clearly describes how I am feeling.  

I get my port out today!  Yay! ... Yay, yay, yay!!!  I hate this thing.  It drives me crazy.  It was hurting last night.  Whenever Cameron wants to lay his head on my chest I'm always rearranging him.  I have to be careful of what I wear so it doesn't show.  When I lose weight it pokes through my skin.  It is an every day reminder that I have cancer.

So why am I not more excited for today?  Why did I wake up in tears?

"... spoiled by the uncertainty about the future..."  

After today I don't have to see a Dr. until September 17th.  September 17th!!  I have seen a Dr. at least every 2 weeks for the last 1 1/2 years.. and for most of the time it has been significantly more frequent than that.

I'm trying so hard to just embrace my new "no Dr., no chemo life" and just rejoice in what I have.  

President Ukdorf said in his talk Of Regret and Resolutions: 

“Doesn't it seem foolish to spoil sweet and joyful experiences because we are constantly anticipating the moment when they will end?”

Yes it does seem foolish for me not to enjoy today just because I’m afraid that at some point I’ll be back to the same place to get it put back in.

Dave… who has a great gift of not doing this kind of thing said … “but if you do get it back in they’ll put it in on a different side this time!”  

 I wish I could have the attitude of my “don’t worry about dying of cancer cause you’ll probably get hit by a bus tomorrow” husband.   I really am trying.

I have a quote by my sink from President Monson.

“Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time for one will dispel the other."

I guess the hard part for me is that I do have faith.  I truly have faith that whatever is supposed to happen to me is for the best.  I have faith that Heavenly Father is watching every single step I take and knows exactly what is happening.   I know exactly where the steps are ultimately going to take me… I just worry a bit about the little stops along the way.

My goal… be happy today!  Don’t think one time about what it might feel like if I have to schedule an appointment someday to get it put back in.  Really enjoy the yummy shave ice or ice cream or whatever we are going to get tonight after the kids all get back from YW and Lacrosse.  Plan our big celebration party when the girls and I get back from camp. 

Goodbye awful -- icky -- horrible port!  

Actually I can't even say that.  I really am grateful for this port.  I would have hated to have had to used by arm veins for all of the chemo.  I watch people at chemo without them and it is hard to get the lines in, the can't move a lot during chemo and sometimes they fall out.  Not me and my power port.  It really has been a life saver.

So... goodbye my Power Port friend.  All good things must come to an end!