I remember when I was about 17 thinking that when I look back on my life I just don't ever want to regret the decisions I've made. (I'm not a good decision maker... maybe that is part of it.)
The other day I was thinking about some decisions I've had to make that were hard me to make and wondered if I lived up to my hope to never look back and regret. Fortunately for the most part I have no big regrets (not that I haven't made a lot of mistakes) ... but I still have an aching worry that I may have missed one big one.
(And kids... if you ever read this 40 years from now when I'm dead... which I hope you do because this is the only reason I am doing this blog... I hope you have learned something from me.)
NO REGRETS
Listening to my mom... or not listening to my mom: I remember two distinct times when my mom gave me advice (or rules) and I had the choice to follow them... or sneak around the situation and be deceptive and do what I wanted to do. One involved a slumber party (that went bad and gratefully I wasn't there) and one involved a boy I was dating. In both cases I followed my moms' advice (against what I wanted to do) and saved myself a lot of heart ache.
BYU vs. Utah State: I knew when I graduated I wanted to go to either BYU or Utah State, and inside I knew that BYU was my first choice. I got a 4-year full tuition scholarship to Utah State and only a 2-year full tuition to BYU. I remember talking to my mom about it and she said that I should go where I really wanted to go, and not make the decision based on scholarships only. I did and chose BYU and never regretted a single second of it. Everything a person should get out of their college experience. Great education, life long friends that I still see regularly... everything I wanted it to be.
What to Major In: Very tough decision for me, but in looking back I think it was a good choice and definitely has added some great things to my life.
Whether or not to take those 2 jobs that were a lot of money, but lots of travel: Twice I was offered jobs that seemed like ideal wonderful jobs, for significantly more money than I was currently making. Even though Dave and other trusted people felt like they were ok, I just didn't feel good about them. Turns out my mom died 4 months after I would have been traveling significantly and I had so many weekends, dinners and fun times with her those last few months. In both cases as I look back now I can see exactly why I was supposed to just stay where I was.
REGRETS:
In-vitro #2 or no invitro: This one I definitely regret and am not sure I will ever fully reconcile. Maybe at some point I will feel ok about it, but I am not to that point right now. Deciding to do in-vitro was an incredibly difficult decision for me -- to say the least. We both felt so great and so sure about adoption. There was never any question as to if we were doing the right thing once we started down that path when we adopted the girls.
Dave really didn't want us to do in-vitro, but said he would do whatever. I fasted, I prayed, I cried, I made up my mind, I changed my mind, and changed it again. Honestly, if it weren't for a couple of great friends and a fabulous nurse I would never have done it. It actually takes my breath away (in a bad way) to know that I was so close to not doing what I needed to do to have Cameron in our family.
Dave and I had agreed that we would do in-vitro one time. If it worked great.. if it didn't, that was ok too. Neither of us had ever really felt like infertility was the path we were supposed to take so we agreed we would give it one shot. Beacause they could really never find anything wrong with either of us, I really thought after I had Cameron that my body would kick in and I would get pregnant and stay pregnant on my own. I had so many people tell me that after they adopted and/or did in-vitro they got pregnant. I had been pregnant a couple of times (and miscarried) I guess it was my own desire, but I really thought that would happen. Well... obviously it didn't. I kept waiting and trying and waiting and trying and now Cameron is almost 7, I'm 44 and I'm pretty sure I missed my opportunity. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids more than anything in this world and wouldn't trade them or the way they got here for anything!!!
I guess I just pray if there really was another Hess child for us that Heavenly Father would have found a way to get him/her here whether through pregnancy or adoption. I always feel like I've been kicked in the stomach when my kids say they wish we had more kids. I finally had to talk to Lauren about how hard we tried to do what Heavenly Father wanted us to do when it came to having our family and I had to put it in the Lord's hands a long time ago. Dave still can't understand how after 20 years of thinking "I might be pregnant this month" and not being pregnant, that I can still tear up the day I know I'm not pregnant. (And honestly, if I were pregnant at 44 Dave would probably die and I'd be a single mom!)
I envy those that feel like they have just the right amount of kids and felt "done." I've never felt that way and I don't know if it is because I wasn't supposed to be "done" or if everything is just as it is. I just hope I wasn't so busy with the trivial things in life, that I missed something that I was supposed to have done.
TBD:
To sell or to remodel. I don't need to say any more about this one. Still don't know if we have done, are doing or will do the right thing. Multiple times we felt like we had made our decision, and yet it hasn't worked out. ... but we haven't felt good about just staying put. Hmmm.... not sure what that means!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment