One of my biggest struggles with cancer (now that I'm not half dead from chemo, infected ports and barfing 24-hours a day) is the emotional "stuff."
Last September I really struggled with this. Post chemo -- doing nothing just felt like I was waiting for the cancer to come back. I had been warned this might happened, but I didn't know how to deal with it. Poor Lisa had to scrape me off the sidewalk each morning after we walked and I sobbed about the worry of it coming back and leaving my kids without a mom.
Eventually with lots of walks, great friends and family and hubby who let me talk and talk about it and a whole lot of prayer I was able to start living life again. I just had to pray that that sadness for my kids would be taken away from my heart -- that I could deal with this for me -- but I couldn't carry the sadness I feel for them.
I told Dave if I live 20 years I don't want to look back and find that they were consumed with worry and fear and sadness for my kids. And if I live 2 years I don't want those years to be consumed with worry and fear and sadness for my kids.
And honestly, for the most part I have done a really good job of staying optimistic. Every once in a while it creeps up on me and I really have to work at not "going to that dark place" again.
This week it has started to creep up on me. It started with a discussion with my aunt about my mom and remembering that my mom's remission lasted about 4 years. 4 years and then 2 years later she died. Six years total. Six years. That isn't enough for me. Then of course every ache and pain I feel starts to get me worried and on and on.
But I read a quote from the book "Killing Lincoln" that really struck me.
Lincoln said when some of his close associates were worried about him getting assassinated basically that a person can only die once, but if that person spends everyday thinking about it and worrying about it, he has died everyday.
Every time I start to "go there" I try to remember that. Whatever happens to me is going to happen to me and my family. But if I live a potentially sad situation in my heart over and over, it has happened to me every day.
I also read a great thought from my cousin's son in his missionary letter. I loved the line "Earth has no sorry that heav'n cannot heal." I am so grateful for this knowledge. There isn't an ounce of my sorrow or pain that can't be healed and I have definitely felt those healing affects this past year.
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Part of Elder Perkins letter.
My spiritual morsel this week comes from a hymn I've appreciated before, we sung it this Sunday. I love the lyrics, it says:
Come, ye disconsolate, where e'er ye languish;
Come to the mercy seat, fervently kneel.
Here bring your wounded hearts; here tell your anguish.
Earth has no sorrow that heav'n cannot heal.
Earth has no sorrow that heav'n cannot heal.
"Come, ye Disconsolate" Hymn 115
All of us are wounded at one point or another as we make our way through mortality. No matter the injury or burden, through Christ we can be healed and strengthened. I know that that is true. An investigator we're teaching is really worried about her kids she lost in court, another is troubled by the mistakes of her past, someone I know is hurt by the lose of a parent, and another by the lose of a best friend and a future. The Savior has felt all our pains, He truly understands. He can turn us and change us. We can be happy despite our circumstances and past experiences. May we all turn to Him whether in troubled times or not. He lives. This is His Gospel and His church!
