On Losing Hair...

So I've experienced some tough milestones in the past two months. A surprise diagnosis of ovarian cancer, sharing the news with family and friends, having major surgery, recovering slowly from major surgery, and experiencing 3 different types of chemo with varying success.


So why should something like losing my hair feel like such a big thing? We all have vanity no matter how much we'd like to say we don't...but I am trying to decide if it is vanity or losing my hair is the "real outward" sign of cancer.


My kids have had to endure all of these milestones with me and I think the "bald cancer" mom is "the real thing."  Until the last few weeks I think Cam was still confused on surgery, cancer, chemo, baldness and everything -- he didn't think I'd lose my hair since I had surgery and they got rid of all my cancer. 


I shaved my legs last Saturday and the hair isn't growing back. I can feel little changes in my scalp in front.  I have lots of hats ready to go -- based on how I have been feeling and how much time my bloated tummy spends laying on my back, wigs just don't sound like a good option for me right now.


I wish I could say I'll easily laugh it off -- but I'm not sure I will.  I talked to someone who had Ovarian cancer and finished up with chemo last fall and she said it was much more traumatic than she had planned, but then it was kind of "freeing."  All of the big stuff was over.  At least in the 6 month treatment there were no unknowns to wonder about.


So in trying to look on the bright side -- 5 reasons I'm ok with losing my hair.
1.  I won't have to shave.  Lauren and Kenzi are both very jealous.
2.  The shower won't be clogged with my hair.  Cameron and Dave will be very happy about that.
3.  I will save on shampoo.
4.  I don't have to comb, blow dry, style or worry if I'm having a bad hair day.
5.  I'll get to find if it I have a nice shaped scalp or not.

Chemo 3 ... I'm Alive and Well!

What a difference a week makes.  I'm alert, I'm not throwing up, I'm drinking, I'm eating (I even enjoyed my 10pm and 3am bowl of Life Cereal).


My Chemo 2 IP Cysplatin did not go well... to say the least.  I got nauseated and every other rotten stomach thing that comes with that, got dehydrated and by the time I got back to the Dr. on Monday had lost another 5 pounds, low on iron, low on potassium, 127 pulse and quite a mess.  I honestly only have a few fuzzy memories of Tuesday night through Friday and they were mostly of being up all night not being able to sleep.


The IP Taxol Chemo 3 was rough -- but with nice nurses and Dr. and sister I got through it.  By the time I left I actually felt better than when I got there that morning.


Things I've learned:
1.  I apparently have an extremely sensitive stomach.  My nurse said my reaction to #2 was pretty extreme.  Most people don't get that sick and have more stomach pain -- not nausea.  They are testing to make sure I didn't pick up a virus at the hospital or something, but they are thinking I just am very sensitive.


2.  To stay on top of nausea I have to take meds every 3 hours -- whether or not I think I need them.  This week I get up at midnight and 3 or 4 am and then at 7 am to take medication.  There is no way I'm going back to what I was like last week.


3. Dehydration is bad... very, very bad.  In hindsight I should have gone in this weekend and to get IV hydration.


4.  Stomach pain is better than nausea.  I had been told that with the IP chemos there was quite a bit of stomach pain.  I don't remember any pain at all last time... just nausea.  I can feel the pain a little this week and honestly it is a welcome relief.


5.  Sleep is good.  I've been able to sleep for the last few nights -- wow -- that is so great.


6.  Hymns are great.  I'm not the best at memorizing scriptures, but words and tunes to hymns and primary songs come to my mind.  I've had lots of pretty songs running through my head. 


I'm totally ok for my next IV Taxol but am scared to death for the next IV Cysplatin.  But I can't imagine it could be any worse.  And I have had 2 chemos that were not bad so I'm grateful for that.

Chemo 3 ....how did I not know it was IP

Here at chemo...good news...healthy enough to get it.
Bad news...healthy enough to get it.

Low iron, losing too much weight, a little dehydrated...Other than that healthy as a horse (and I feel like one with all this fluid.)

It is a taxol day, but I didn't realize it was IP. The assure me that taxol venous or IP is not as bad as cycplatin ....here is to hoping the are right.

I think I Might Live... Barely and other Happenings

It has been 6 days since my 1st IP chemo -- an let's just say it is as bad as I had expected and probably worse.  I completely lost a day (thought it was Wednesday and it was Thursday).  I can't explain the fatigue, nausea, ache, bloating and hazy fuzz I was in because of the meds.  Fortunately I was able to sleep a lot.  I was able to take a short walk Friday and Saturday. Poor Dave, let' leave it at that.


I actually got up this morning and ate a piece of toast.  


All I can say is it is a good thing I have a 3 week break -- if I had to do it again this week I couldn't do it.  


On some happy notes -- Kenzi's class play was very cute and she got all 3s on her report card.  Lauren and her friends saw the midnight "Hunger Games" (I was too sick to even feel jealous).  Spencers had 2 extra tickets for the General YW  Broadcast Saturday night and they got to be 2nd row center -- right in front of the podium.... they loved that and got to be right in front of the prophet.


Cam got a pinewood derby car...oh my he is 8 next months and starts scouts!


I'm grateful that I somehow made it and I sincerely pray I can do 4 more...I don't know if they get worse or better but I have a hard time picturing anything worse. 

• Thanks for everyone's concerns!

Chemo 2: ip port 1...not my favorite

Honestly....bloating (I look 7months pregnant), nausea that is being controlled with meds and super tired. Feel like I ate two huge thanksgiving dinners days ago and no matter what I do I can't un full. And I'm super tired.

Nice kenz and cam rubbed my feet and cam held my hand until I fell asleep.

Supposed to est and drink ....I'm doing a little...but feels impossible this bloated.

The sun is out thou I can hear birds chirping. I also know what Lolo feels like when she get 20 20 minute hiccup attach ....not fun but hopefully moving thing around.

Chemo 2...stomach bloating about to begin and a though about inward and outward trials

Sitting here waiting for round 2 bloating. I got all of the pre meds including a nausea drug that lasts for 4 to 5 days. Other than some foot swelling and headache I felt good last night. Great appetite and I went for a walk with Cam. I'm anticipating a different story tonight, but so grateful for yesterday.

As always I was overwhelmed with love and kindness yesterday. As I was laying in bed last night feeling so grateful for so much love, I started thinking of some friends and family members that are going through private emotional trials. They carry an equal, if not heavier burden, and yet they do it on their own. I know there have been times in my life with private issues and problems where I felt the weight of the world in my heart. This trial scares me, makes me feel crappy and like a bad mom, but I feel like most of the weight is being shouldered by those around me. I wish there was a way for me to transfer some of the strength I'm receiving from others to them.

Holding up the "I have cancer" sign in some ways makes it easier than quietly trying to face an issue internally.

I wish I knew a way to help take away emotional pain and heart ache I know they are feeling. I just really hope at some point to become someone that can know little ways to touch those
dealing with "non outward" issues.

Chemo 1...1 down 17 to go....

So I'm sitting here at my first chemo. I'm alive! I'm not nauseated. Things in my port worked well. I was a little emotional this morning but I'm good now. I'm a bit low on iron which might explain the total lack of energy. Worries me a bit to be low and just getting started. I even had a bit of a laughing attack that embarrassed Dave a bit....probably the mixture of pre Benadryl and steroids and headphones. I've never been good at talking softly with headphones.

Everyone is so kind and caring. My nurse told me most people tolerate getting the chemo pretty well, it is just the dang side affects a couple of days later that make it so rotten. I'm afraid ip day will be a different story but I'll take a good few hours regardless of what might come next.

They will send me home with lots of "stuff" to try and counter the side affects so I'll be praying for good results from those.

Dave gave me a sweet blessing this morning and I need to hold on to the positive moments as much as possible. Cam came to snuggle with me "just for a minute" at 3:30 am this morning and it really helped to calm me and stop thinking about what was coming.

Off to try and nap. Keep thinking that I might wake up sometime and find that this is a really bad dream... But wishing won't do me any good so I'm gonna shut my eyes, relax And enjoy feeling good for now!

Trek #2 and a few other thoughts...

The 1st half of 2012 was full of planning, implementing and enjoying a trek with the Youth of our Stake.  It was a great experience and it definitely gave me a greater appreciation for the pioneers and those early saints and the hardships they faced. 


President Lewis (the Trek boss) encouraged all of the leaders to memorize the scripture theme -- which I loved.


A cute friend Kristy reminded me the other day of the scripture theme and it hit me in a new way:  Mosiah 24:14-15.

14 And I will also ease the ^aburdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as^bwitnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their ^cafflictions.

 15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did^astrengthen them that they could bear up their ^bburdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with ^cpatience to all the will of the Lord.

I know the next several months are going to be tough and I honestly worry that I may not have the emotional and physical strength to get through this -- I deal with emotional challenges much easier than physical ones -- and to be honest I'm a bit of a whimp all the way around.  Every time I read this it really does give me hope.  As we studied and tried to teach the kids this scripture last summer with Trek I never would have imagined 9 months later I'd need to apply it in my life in the way I am doing and that this would be the kind of burden placed upon  my back and the backs of Dave and the kids.  I'm sure the pioneers and everyone who has ever faced trials would never have imagined they'd face the challenges put before them bu they got through them and I will too.


One other random thought -- I watched a talk from President Uchtdorf today when he referred to a quote from President Kimball.   “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other.”


If that is the case I am being watched over and over and over and over.  Food, phone calls, txts, thoughts, treats, prayers, rides for kids, visits and more have been poured upon our family during the last 6 weeks.  It is almost overwhelming.  I never wanted to be a needy person, but I can tell you that the love and service is making all of the difference in the world.  l continue to be amazed at how kind and loving and caring everyone is.    And Dave... well what can I say about Dave.  He sees me in my very worst moments (yes I try to share those only with him unfortunately for him and generally they are in the middle of the night when he doesn't have much of an option than to be here) yet he just continues on serving, cleaning, taking care of the kids, working, playing with the kids, doing his church calling and listening to me complain and be scared about the future -- all of this with absolutely not one complaint ... well there was one complaint once "Cam your mom is driving me nuts" ... but  he said it loud enough for me to hear so we could laugh about it. 


I just hope everyone knows how much I appreciate the love that surrounds us!

Chemo Countdown Calendar

In honor of the big day on Monday, the kids made chemo countdown calendars today... Kind of like the Christmas advent calendar you cut off each day.

Each countdown has 18 sets of candy and we told the kids after each of my chemos they could cut off a set of candy, come give me a kiss and eventually we will be down to the end.

My friend Roxanne also gave us some bracelets to help us keep positive ....Life, Laugh, Hope...3 things we are going to need a lot of during the next 5 months.

It's Easy to Be Positive when you are feeling good! And not sure I'm ready for chemo

So I've had a really good week -- I can actually see now how some point in the future I may be normal again.  I can laugh and eat and picture myself doing regular things. I went to the grocery store by myself today and although I felt like an invisible person watching everyone around me be normal, wondering if anyone else around me felt like they didn't belong in the real world, I did it. (I imagine this might be how someone with depression feels).  Getting winded walking around the block or going out to the grocery store for bananas and milk is new for me, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  


Unfortunately that light is a big bag of chemicals about to massacre my remaining cancer cells... and a lot of other good cells that things along with it.  


I talked to a lady Linda this week that just finished up (on Halloween) her last chemo for Ovarian Cancer and was in a similar situation as mine.  (Except for the fact that she is psychotic athlete and would put me to shame on a normal basis).  Nonetheless, it was good to talk to her.  She was very straightforward and honest.  She made me hopeful and cry at the same time.


For her the IP (Tuesday stomach) chemo was the worst.  She called that her wasted week and pretty much laid on the couch or in bed until Friday of that week hoping the bloating and stomach pain would go away.  She generally was just in the house and didn't try to even go walking other than from one room to another.  As the weekend would get closer she would start to feel better and by Saturday could usually walk a few blocks down her street... and eventually by the end of week 3 could walk a 2 mile route near her house.  She said she was lucky and didn't have any complications with her ports.  


As she was describing that week I thought of a talk by Elder Christopherson that Dave told me about and I saw on "late night" BYU TV called the Bread of Life and how the Savior is the bread of life.  Sometimes that will mean that just getting through one minute to the next will be all you can do.  As I listened to Linda I was just picturing myself laying there in my chemo weeks and knowing if the Savior can help me to get through a minute, and another minute and soon an hour and soon a day and then a week, I can get through this.  It is easy for me to say this now, but I know will be hard to remember and incorporate when I'm on a "wasted week" and praying for the day to be over.


Honestly, I'm scared to death to start chemo.  Never been so scared in my life.  Kind of ironic that the thing that can make sure I don't die from this nasty stuff is thing I am most afraid of.  


So my goal when chemo starts... have no expectations other than making sure I lean on the Savior and make it through each new day... and try to remember that eventually August will come!!!

Nigh Tropical Storm and Tsunami

Ok... so I've been having night sweats since last summer (think that might have been with this whole cancer stuff was starting).


They got worse since the hysterectomy.


But seriously last night it was not a sweat it was a tsunami.  My garments were literally completely soaked (top dripping) with sweat.  I woke up in the hazy fog and if I'd found myself laying in a pool of water I wouldn't have been surprised.


Someday I'm going to understand the creation of woman and the need for hormones and how it relates to my eternal salvation, etc. etc  but for now all I can say is WOW.  I had no idea what hormones or lack or hormones could do.

Port Placement went without a Hitch... and Misty Didn't Even Get Arrested!

I had my outpatient procedure to get my 2nd chemo port inserted.  They'll do chemo and all blood draws from it.  I now officially have two metal (I think titanium) heart shaped ports and tubes in me.  How cool I would look at an airport scanner.  Other than looking like I've been beaten (I can't get the area wet for at least 24 hours so the blue sanitizing dye gives a nice contrast to the 2 incisions and port poking out of my neck/chest -- it was not to bad. 


I have to say, I was NOT looking forward to it.  I had gotten dehyrdrated over the weekend from my new stomach trying to get used to itself (I'll spare the details) and then had to got the procedure fasting.  Lisa took me to the hospital and suggested that I asked them to give me a bag of fluid and anti-naseau stuff before the procedure.  (It is good to have post-op nurse as a friend.)


Everyone at IMC is always so good to me and immediately after getting to my room they hooked me up with an IV.  Since I didn't have anyone wait with me the sweet nurse just hung out with me.  We talked and told stories about our kids and she just did everything to assure me it would be a good procedure.  The PA came in to tell me about the procedure and then sat on my bed and asked if he could tell a personal story.  He then told me both his mother-in-law and aunt had ovarian cancer and they were 5 1/2 years and 12 years out.  He said that Ovarian has a bad reputation but he's seen people beat it and wanted me to know it. 


The procedure was great, love the "versed" sp? they give as an amnesiac and before I knew it I was back in my room with a huge glass of sprite and ice and Lorna Doones.  (Thanks Mary Ann!)  Honestly I felt better after I was done than I had felt going in that morning.  I think the IV was "just what the Dr. ordered."  


Finally... a procedure without a hitch.  No liver spot, no vein failure, no barfing issues.


But wait... when calling Dave to tell him I had "survivied" I saw two missed calls from Valley View from two hours earlier and two messages.  Hmmm... Kenzi was checking out for an ortho appointment and Misty was picking her up.  What could have gone wrong?


Message 1:  Mrs. Hess this is Valley View.   We just saw Makenzie walk past the office, and go outside and get in a black SUV.  She didn't check out and we need to know if it was you or verified by you.  If we can't get a verification we need to call the police.  Please call us back as soon as possible.


Me:  Huh?!   I gave her a note to check herself out.  I emailed her teacher.  Please tell me they didn't send the police after Misty?


Message 2 sent 10 minutes later:  Mrs. Hess this is Valley View again.  We were able to talk to Mrs. Higley and verify that you had told her she had an appointment so we won't need to call the police.  Makenzie needs to make sure she checks out next time. 


Me:  Call school to verify although it was 2 hours later.  Not realizing I was still groggy try to explain that I was in the hospital and hope everything was ok.  I txt'd Misty to try and tell the funny story (bad idea to txt or make calls after surgery I was still a little out of it).


Apparently Makenzie had checked out, they just didn't see her in the office, they only saw her standing at the door and running outside to get in the black SUV.  She said the office people scolded her when she got back, even though she had assured them she had given her teacher the note, used the computer to check out and had done everything she was supposed to.  I don't blame the office -- better to error on the side of caution.


I just was imaging the local news headline -- Amber Alert cancelled after 12 year old found at orthodonist 4 blocks away with nice friend and her 5 year old daughter.  All 3 were found sitting in the lobby of Dr. Feller's office enjoying a hot baked Cutler cookie when the police located the girl.


After laughing and taking a nap, I check out, feel great, give my nice nurse a hug goodbye and ride home with Tammy and the warm blanket she brought for me!


I'll take this kind of hitch!

Two Videos I've Enjoyed this Week

My cute friend/niece/ Jacqueline shared this video with me.  Someone knew exactly what they were talking about in writing this... beautiful.




Reba shared this one with me -- it was a great video to show the kids for FHE and inspire me to hang in there.

www.stumbleupon.com/su/2V8KwU/www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc4HGQHgeFE

Getting used to a new normal is going to take some getting used to...

Now that I am back among the living, I am really going to have to work on normal.

Two months ago over doing it would have been going to the temple before the kids went to school, getting the kids off, exercising, volunteering, driving a carpool, fixing dinner, running to a game or concert, getting kids to bed and flopping in bed at midnight. I'd be exhausted. The next day but would be able to do it all again.

Post surgery me... Laying around all morning, taking a shower, being ready by 1 pm for two Dr. appointments is apparently way more than I can handle.  Result... barfing for 12 hours.   This is the 2nd time this has happened and since I have no fever or any other issues there are no concerns with it.

I think my body is so sensitive to its healing colon, stomach and other parts and is not able to tell me a  nice way that I've over done it.

I was told after surgery that recovery was 4-6 weeks and without chemo it would be 6 months until I felt really normal again.  I think I misunderstood that 4-6 weeks of recovery means just that... my body trying to put itself back together.

I need to have a balance though because honestly I could lay around all day and still be tired (I guess not sleeping adds a little to that) so I have to force myself to do a certain amount each day.

This really gives me a new perspective for those with chronic pain and health issues.

I remember thinking in the past when I'd get a cold or flu that you don't appreciate your health until you don't have it.   Oh... I so appreciate the past 45 years of a healthy body now!!

No Cancer in Liver!

Fatty infiltrate in the liver!

Now on to ip chemo...

Can I say again how much I hate throwing up? Seriously, there is no way I've eaten the amounts I'm losing.

Oh well.... No cancer in the liver!