Can't Decide if I want to Grow more or not...

Let me preface this by being up front -- this has not been a great week for me emotionally.  I've had some issues that have come up that while not alarming, are not particularly good.  I realize I have only been dealing with this "stuff" for 10 months, but it is beginning to feel like a lifetime and this week I just want it to all be over. 

I was joking with a friend, whose family is also going through a different but very hard and long term trial right now, that I am ok being mediocre.  I realize trials are supposed to strengthen us and make us better, but this week I honestly feel like I'd be perfectly content exactly where I am currently.  No more growth, no more refining -- mediocrity is ok with me.

Another friend and I were talking about trials and she told me about a great conference talk.  I listened to it this morning.  It is by Paul V. Johnson and was entitled "More Than Conquerors through Him That Loved Us."    

The challenge for me this week if believing this and wanting this.  My sweet sister invited me to the temple this week and one of my sweet friends has listened to me worry and complain over and over and over.  I am blessed with so many good people in my life -- if I emotionally hold up through this latest rounds of stress it will be because of them.  

Here are a few parts of the talk that really struck me... and my "is it ok to be happy with mediocre" feeling this week.

At times it may seem that our trials are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope. Since personal growth is an intended outcome of these challenges, it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses. And no one is exempt, especially not Saints striving to do what’s right. Some obedient Saints may ask, “Why me? I’m trying to be good! Why is the Lord allowing this to happen?” The furnace of affliction helps purify even the very best of Saints by burning away the dross in their lives and leaving behind pure gold.⁶ Even very rich ore needs refining to remove impurities. Being good is not enough. We want to become like the Savior, who learned as He suffered “pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind.”⁷

^{In the midst of problems, it is nearly impossible to see that the coming blessings far outweigh the pain, humiliation, or heartbreak we may be experiencing at the time. “No chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.”13 The Apostle Paul taught, “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.”14 It is interesting that Paul uses the term “light affliction.” This comes from a person who was beaten, stoned, shipwrecked, imprisoned, and who experienced many other trials.15 I doubt many of us would label our afflictions light. Yet in comparison to the blessings and growth we ultimately receive, both in this life and in eternity, our afflictions truly are light.}

Sometimes we want to have growth without challenges and to develop strength without any struggle. But growth cannot come by taking the easy way. We clearly understand that an athlete who resists rigorous training will never become a world-class athlete. We must be careful that we don’t resent the very things that help us put on the divine nature.

Not one of the trials and tribulations we face is beyond our limits,because we have access to help from the Lord. We can do all things through Christ, who strengthens us.¹⁶

I'll probably die of a heart attack long before I die of cancer.. and some happier thoughts from chemo today

Clinical Trial #3... well 3 down and 9 more to go.

In usual Stephanie fashion, I couldn't have just a normal chemo.  

I've been having some very infrequent heart racing (180 beats per minute) and I had one this morning.  When I go to chemo it was still at about 120 so they did an EKG.  No big deal really, but emotionally I just want to go to chemo one time and zip in and zip out and have no complications and not cry when I go to chemo.  It really isn't that bad, especially when you are getting the chemo, but I just get so emotional on chemo days.

By the time they hooked up the EKG the heart racing was gone -- they think it is not a big deal.  

(In my mom's family her parents and 2 siblings have all died of heart issues -- ranging in age of 39 to mid-60s.  Fortunately my mom seemed to have missed that gene and all of us kids have healthy hearts.

Wouldn't it be ironic, the woman who was sure she would get breast cancer, instead got Ovarian Cancer and died of a heart attack.  Just kidding... I'm a little punchy and wired from the steroid today.  I have been eating like a horse and am wide awake even though I didn't sleep much last night.)

Thankfully my sweet sister Jenn was there so I didn't have to cry alone.  And she and my chemo nurse Dave did some great ice bag set ups to freeze my feet... I'm getting better at this each month.

I learned today that one of the amazing chemo nurses has had an incredibly personal experience with cancer.  His wife died of breast cancer and he was actually her chemo nurse.  He said he loved being able to be the one to take care of her.  She battled it for 13 years, had a 1 year old when diagnosed and then had another baby after 2 years.  She died 2 years ago.  When he told me his story I tried not to cry... amazed that he can go through this and keep doing what he does.  He said he knows what it is like to be a part of this and he wants to make the process easier for those that don't have great outcome and be a part of helping those who beat cancer.

I also ran into my cute friend Sarah and her daughter.  They were the first 2 Dave and I met at chemo class last March.  Her husband just died of alzheimers in October.  Thankfully she has really awesome kids that are helping her through this.   She is so sweet -- I really do love my cancer friends!!!

And... I am helping to coordinate the SL Survivors Teaching Students program for the National Ovarian Cancer Alliance.  We will go into medical, PA and nursing schools and talk to the students about Ovarian Cancer.  There are 5 of us participating from 22 - 65.  I'll be facilitating the program and I finally got everyone's story off to the National Group!!!! Yay... I've been working on finding woman to participate for the past 2 months!!!  Hopefully we will be able to start soon into the new year. 

So, all and all I know I sound like a whiner, but I did have some really bright moments in my chemo day.

I'm Thankful for...

Being thankful... I have so much to be grateful for this year!    Kenzi and I were driving up 1800 South last Saturday in the big snowstorm and I started to cry.  I was so overwhelmed with the beauty of the day, to be driving in the car with my sweet little Kenzi and the fact that I am here and happy and healthy (relatively speaking).

If you had told me a year ago at this time that in 2012 I would not move (house was under contract this time last year), would be diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer, have major surgery, have chemo and all kinds of complications besides just losing my hair and barfing... I would have never believed it.

But if you had told me about 9 months ago that at Thanksgiving this year I would be healthy enough to be in California and heading to Disneyland and the beach, that I would have a cool new hair cut, and I would be happy and healthy (relatively speaking) I wouldn't have believed that either.  Amazing how perspective can change in such a short period of time. 

So just a few things that I am grateful for today... in no particular order.

Dr. Brown, Dr. Zempolich, all of the great nurses and PAs and other Docs that have taken care of me, good insurance, Dave, Lauren, Kenzi and Cam, my family and Dave's family and everything they have done for us this year, my fabulous friends and neighbors, all of the great people in our ward and stake, my kids' fabulous friends and their families, being able to eat anything, so many acts of service given to our family, hair, Heavenly Father and my Savior, my mom and all of the memories I have of her, scriptures, calming music, no holes in my stomach, soccer, One Voice Children's choir, caring people taking my to chemo and Dr. appointments, foot rubs, exercise, being able to be drive, the peace I have felt at the temple, snow, great teachers at my kids schools, General Conference, great teachers at church, the cabin, sunsets, homemade blue cheese dressing, walks with my family or friends, my church calling and the fact that I am alive, I'm here to enjoy being a mom and still here to enjoy all of these blessings!

Love, love, love it... does that sound vain?

Ok... so I got my official first haircut and style yesterday -- yay for Bethany!

Was a little nervous but I love it.  I really love it.  I probably would never choose this style and color if I had never been bald, but I still love it. 

I was a little nervous about coming to church in my drastic new doo, so sweet Reba Terry text'd me this morning and told me she wait for me and walk into R.S. with me.  I would have walked in without her, but I have to be honest when I walked up and she broke into a huge smile and told me how great I looked it made it much easier to walk in with confidence.  Thanks Reba...just another wonderful example of how little acts of kindness have made such a difference to me over the past year. 

Let's see -- Annie Lenox, Pink, "very European," "does Dave think it is hot?" are just a few comments I received today. 

I've never been good at trying new things so I guess some good can come from have chemo and being bald! (And a side benefit -- it took about 10 seconds to fix today -- it was dry before I even got out of the shower!!)

Lolo 2012 Soccer -- Birthday Present

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Clinical Trial #2 -- Not Sure How I Feel

Had clinical trial #2 Tuesday -- and I'm not sure what to think or how I feel right now.  Left there feeling good and bad.

The Bad:  The past 4 weeks had been manageable -- pretty much everything that I expected until the last week.  It appears that my neuropathy has moved to Stage 2.  My feet have been numb and Sunday started swelling to the point of constant irritation -- awake or asleep.  Monday night I could hardly see my ankles.  It started to affect my fingers... but fortunately at least this morning (and all night long ... yes just love the steroids I have to take before the chemo that keep me up for two days) the fingers seem back to normal.

My Dr. asked me if I wanted to continue on the trial based on how I felt last month.  Answer, a hesitant yes.

My body just seems to be very sensitive to medication -- no surprise there.  She cut the chemo dosage down I think about 30%.  Apparently I can reduce the dosage 2x without having to leave the trial.  

Problem is I want to stay in remission and be alive, but I kind of need to be able to walk and exercise and use my hands and fingers when this is all over.

It is hard knowing I am currently NED and not sure whether this drug will do anything or not.  So is it really worth how I have felt for the last month -- particularly is any of the nerve damage becomes permanent?

I just pray that even though in both kinds of chemo they've had to reduce dosages, it is strong enough to get rid of any remaining traces of cancer. Faith, faith, faith Stephanie.

Can I just say how much I HATE CANCER and ALL OF THE ROTTEN SIDE AFFECTS.

The Good:  On a more positive note, other than crying a few times, I had a great time at chemo.  My super, awesome friend Sue drove up from Lehi and joined me for the morning.  I had planned to just take myself, but Monday  just could feel this was going to be an emotional day and need someone to be there with me. 

We laughed, we talked, she held up my feet and put ice on them (some ideas from other cancer friends) and then she took me to lunch together.  (This is the same wonderful friend that stayed up with me all night when we were Sophomores at BYU when I was super sick and we were waiting for my mom to come down.)  We just may have to make this our monthly ritual for the next year!

Sue holding my feet in the air and with the ice bag ... willing to try anything to get rid of this nueropathy.  And how many people in this world would hold my feet up in the air while I'm getting chemo... thanks Sue!!!!

Me and Sue ... one good part of chemo is my great friend and family that have taken me and  entertain me and take care of me and cry with me and make this whole rotten thing not so rotten.