Lobster Fest -- Love you Walls!

Got back Sunday night of Labor Day weekend for a very last minute (had to wait and see how my numbers were from my Dr.) trip to visit Scott and his family in Washington and join them in their annual Labor Day Lobster Fest.  

Just the girls and Grandpa (Dave and Cam went to the cabin for a father/sons/cousin weekend).  Not sure what we enjoyed the most...

• Mt. St. Helens with Mandy and playing Tallyhoe
• "Helping" Scott mow his lawn with his tractor and watching him chase after dad who was driving too fast and too sloppy.
• Riding Jordan and Josh's little motorcycle.
• Helping get everything ready for the big party -- balloons, picking up 50 crabs and 50 lobsters (including dad's 4 1/2 pound one), making sushi (yes Kenzi and I are pros now).
• Eating, eating, eating lobster, crab, salmon, shrimp, sushi, prawns and lots of other yummy salads and treats with the 90 other people enjoying a gorgeous seafood filled day.
• Laughing around the post party fire.
• Swinging, hiking, soccer...
• Singing and getting a bit grossed out by "Midnight Special" videos -- especially with Rod Stewart and Blondie.
• Seeing the Columbia River and taking a tour of Kalama hot spots -- Twilight High School filming.
• Basketball and Elimination... wow I am out of shape.
• Just hanging out with some of my favorite people in the world!!!!

Love Janice's martial arts guys. 

Josh taking care of us in the great jeep.

High School where Twilight was filmed ... that's for you Misty.

Salmon fishing contest on the Columbia River -- tons of people catching huge salmon.

Relaxing fire after a crazy day.

Grandpas 4 1/2 pound lobster.

Mt. St. Helens

How do I go back to Living? I guess this is where faith really comes in.

Physically I feel great!!  Emotionally, not so good.

After 7 months of Dr. appointments, and pain, and nausea, and sickness, and frustration, and infections and miracles and blessings -- I made it through.

Now I just wait.  Wait to see if my CA 125 goes up again next month, wait and see if anything shows up on a CT Scan, wait and see if my Dr. finds anything weird lumps in my stomach.

Problem is -- I don't want to live every moment worrying about cancer.  I think that is worse than the cancer itself.

I feel like right now the cancer has taken away my life -- not physically -- but emotionally.

When I busy with the kids (thankfully soccer, choir and football are all in full swing) and family (I appreciate you listening to my endless tear filled fears) and friends (who are so good to me) I am ok.

But if I let my mind wander for even a moment it becomes filled with fear.  Fear of a recurrence, fear of my kids having to be told my cancer is back, fear that I might not see my kids get married or graduate from High School or become a Deacon.   My Dr. tells me this is so common but I don't want to live this way.

I was in Deseret Book last week and saw a book about documenting your life for your children and I lost it.  I had tears dripping down my face and had to leave the store and sit in the car... thanks to a loving friend who let me call her and cry and told me it would be ok.

I read a ladies blog last night who said she finally learned to live after Ovarian when she finally decided to live by this creed "Today I don't have cancer so I will enjoy today."  She knows it could come back tomorrow, but doesn't dwell on that any longer.

Another blog I read with a 5 time 20-something year old cancer patient who wrote "I don't always have cancer," 5timecancerpatient wrote, "but when I do, I roundhouse kick it in the face."

I need to get that fiesty attitude and I need to just "let it go."  

And I need to have faith.  I know Heavenly Father will take care of me -- I just want His idea of taking care of me to be the same as my idea.  

Now is the time I need to remember all of the beautiful scriptures I have read, to remember all of the YW lessons I've taught over the years, to remember the blessings of the temple, to remember times in the past when I felt despair or fear or sadness and Heavenly Father let me know He was there and watching over me.  

Who would of thought that living without my cancer, would be harder than living with my cancer?!

What a Wicked Birthday Kenzi!!

Saturday the 25th was a Wicked birthday for Kenzi -- Happy 13th to my sweet little baby.

What a day -- breakfast in bed, beloved Giraffe Tom's, pedicure with mom, cake and ice cream with Lorie and Jonah (the 3 have birthdays 3 days in a row) and .... the winner of Wicked Raffle tickets ... again!!!

For her birthday she wanted to try one more time to get Wicked tickets.  I thought there would be no possible way she would win 2x but she and Val and I went down anyway.  And who won 4th row tickets -- Kenzi!!!  The people before us were so excited cause it was her birthday.  So when Kenzi won we yelled it was her birthday too.  She was soooo excited, giddy and chatty.  I wanted to cry again!  What are the chances she would win 2x.

Reluctantly, I graciously offered to let Dave take her -- and reluctantly he agreed to go.  He knew how much I loved it, but what a fun daddy-daughter birthday and now Kenzi can have great Wicked memories with both of us.  I told him he better cry at "For Good" and even if he hates it he better tell me how fabulous it was!!!

I'm so glad she had such a fabulous birthday.  No one is more deserving than her.  She is sweet and kind and during the last 7 months has been by my side every step of the way.  She is the first to cry with me, the first to be positive with me, and the first to ask how I am feeling.

She is one of a kind... Happy Birthday Kenzi!!

Bountiful High Soccer -- go Lolo!

Ok so being a Woods Cross Wildcat I thought I'd never become a huge Bountiful High sports fan.  But I'm loving soccer so far.

Lauren (or Lolo as now the whole team calls her -- and I'm a little jealous everyone has taken our family nickname) is loving it.  Car washes, team dinners, dying strips of hair red, mud run, freshman hanging out after team dinners and soccer, soccer, soccer.

Lolo is starting Varsity and doing great.  She mostly plays defense but every once in a while plays forward and even scored a goal in the Cyprus game.  They are in 1st place in their region after the 1st two games.

Loving the coach who does a Catholic prayer with Holy Water before the game, followed by a Mormon prayer, loving the cute older girls who are so good to the "Freshies" and loving the fact that as a team their goal is to have a 3.65 GPA and they emphasize good language, representing the team well and putting education first.

Lauren's First Goal -- love the flippy hair!!

Love this picture.

Back to School

Had 3 super excited kids going back to school this year.  Lauren "king of the school" 9th grader this year, Kenzi so excited and nervous for 7th grade -- a little shocked at the language she heard in the halls, and Cameron love, love, loving his cool 3rd grade teacher and his "Alabama" table to start.

I'm so grateful they all love school so much.

Like everything else in my life right now taking these pictures kind of took my breath away.  I remember like yesterday taking pictures last year -- everyone so excited for the upcoming year -- none of us having any clue what was lurking around the corner.

I think I've pretty much taken every day of my life for granted until now.  Looking at these pictures relishing in the fact that I am here to take these pictures, to watch them go out the door and praying for lots more years of this!!!

Bathing and Laughing in the Rain

Can't really tell from the picture -- but they were dripping!!!

Not sure if it because we've had hardly any rain all summer -- or just because my kids are wacky, but they loved the heavy rainstorm on Sunday evening.

When it began to pour they ran inside to put on "rain clothes" and enjoyed the 10 minutes of downpour. Kenzi and Cameron even tried to wash their hair ... by the time they had that idea it had slowed down a bit and they had to finish up in the shower.

What a beautifrul storm -- Brooke, Kerri, Dave and I even got a little wet just sitting on the front porch.

4 New Emotions/Experiences with Cancer ... and not the good ones.

Isolation -- Mortality -- Self-Consciousness -- No Control.  During the past 7 months in addition to all of the wonderful blessings, tender mercies and acts of service we've received, I've experienced some tough things I've never experienced before.  And I'm not referring to pain, nausea, fatigue, night sweats, hormonal imbalance, hair loss and all of the other physical joys cancer and chemotherapy have brought.  (Although I must admit I really love this no shaving thing!!!)

I've experienced some emotions and "psychological" feelings that are new to me.  Feelings that will hopefully make me be a better more empathetic person in the long-run.  Some I've dealt with better than others.  As I look back it is interesting for me to assess how I felt, which ones I learned to deal with and what I am still feeling.

Isolation:  I've always been a people person and love to be around people and activity.  Being down for three months, followed by a lot of pain with the infections, was a very new experience for me.  I really didn't feel well enough to really care or get depressed about it.

But as I started to feel better and started going out in more public places I felt very strange.  If I was one-on-one with someone or with a small group at home, I was ok.  But when I was with a bigger group or a crowd I began to feel very small, like there was a bubble around me and I just didn't fit in. After being alone or in a very small group for so long it felt so busy and overwhelming to be around big groups of people. 

Everyone seemed to have so much energy and excitement and good things happening to them.  Sometimes it was all I could do to get myself dressed and make it to sacrament meeting or a baseball or soccer game and then when I was there I just wanted to shrink up and go away.

I was at a wedding shower one day (not feeling great) and felt like I was watching the group from above as a 3rd person and not really there.  Not really sure how to describe what I felt.  As soon as I got home I burst into tears -- feels so silly now -- but it was just too overwhelming to be around that many people, and felt so fake as I tried to smile as I told them about my latest setback and infection and try to act happy and optimistic.

I would imagine this is how people with depression must feel.

It took me several weeks of being with groups to get over this feeling -- and sometimes it still creeps in when I'm in a group.  I think part of it is that I feel different from everyone else.  It breaks my heart knowing that there are people that feel this way all of the time and battle with this on a regular basis.

Mortality:  We all think we are invincible -- not really knowing that we really could die at any moment.  But when Drs. talk about "your statistical chances" and people ask about my cancer survival rates, it changes the feeling of being invincible.

I think this hit me hardest the first time when I went to my moms grave at Easter.  As I got out of the car and starting walking to her grave I could hardly breath.  I guess I may have occasionally in the past wondered what year would end up being on my headstone, but for the first time in my life I wondered if I'd be one of those that people walk by and see how young and think "oh how sad -- she must have left kids behind."  Would it be 2014, 2015 or would I laugh 25 years from now when I am still alive and remembering how I felt.  

A couple of weeks later I attended a funeral of a good friend of ours from our ward who died of cancer.  He was diagnosed about 1 month before I was.  I intentionally got there just as it was starting and actually left during the closing song.  I thought I would be ok, but when I walked in and saw his coffin and his family, it was just too much. 

I've got to be honest -- this is still one I'm not doing too well with.   Learning to live -- without worrying about dying -- is going to be one of my biggest obstacles. 

Self-Consciousness:  Bald, no eyelashes, just a few eyebrows -- yup -- Cancer Patient.  Lots of stares,   Lots of sympathy smiles.  Lots of avoiding eye contact.  Lots of people feeling uncomfortable and not knowing what to say.  

I tried a wig once and felt too silly.  I have no problem with wigs.  I had just been so sick and bald at first and by the time I felt good enough to try a wig my kids and dad had all been wearing them for fun, that when I wore the hairpiece with a hat to Costco I felt like I was "playing dress-up" and was more self-conscious than with a hat or scarf.  And I love hats -- always have -- and was a frequent hat wearer even before cancer. 

Walking through the store knowing that people are staring at you.  Having to have the conversation with someone at your kids' track meet or 6th grade graduation or kids' orthodontist summer party as they look at you in your hat and look at your face and say "are you ok?"  "Have you been sick?"  And then watching their sadness as you tell them you have cancer or feeling watching them feel awkward not knowing what to say. 

Strange to feel like I have to text a picture of me to my husband to approve of how I look, to have my girls tell me I am beautiful when I am in tears getting ready (role reversal ... who is the teen here?), 

It is funny though in the last month or so sometimes when I am out in public I forget I am bald.  I forget I look different.  I sometimes can go through the whole grocery store and not even remember I have cancer or feel like someone was looking at me. 

Fortunately I have always had a pretty good self-esteem and outward physical appearance has not been something I overly obsess about.  Sometimes when I am with the kids and I can tell someone was staring and I tell them how lucky they are to have such a hot mom that everyone stares at!  That always gets a good laugh from Lauren.

No Control:  I've always been a bit of a control freak -- and except for the years of infertility and adoptions and my mom dying and our house selling ups and downs ... ok so it was a false sense of control.  

But man oh man, the past 6 months other than my attitude it seems like I have no control of anything.

I've never been seriously sick.  Other than 1 night in the hospital with Cameron I had never been in the hospital.  I thought since I had exercised, eaten well, taken care of myself I could control my body.  

I really thought my years of healthy living, exercise and following the Word of Wisdom would help me breeze through this whole thing.  But having issue after issue, infections that my Dr. had never seen before, having Dave have to do everything for the kids and for me, not being able to drive myself for 3 months, depending on others to get my kids places, accepting the wonderful friends and neighbors who brought food, the friends that insisted on coming in to clean our house a few times was very hard.

Going back to #3 -- Mortality -- was the hardest -- realizing that ultimately the long term outcome of this is not in my hands.  As my Drs. were trying to decide what to do about my port and infections my sweet friend Tammy called to find out their names so she could put them on the prayer roll at the temple.

I think that is when it hit me the hardest -- my life is literally in the hands of my Drs. and ultimately in the hands of Heavenly Father.  I guess that is why I have been focusing so much on scriptures about trust and faith and not doubting and knowing who is in charge.