CA 125 9!!! and another allergic reaction

Some of those who have been unfortunate enough to be around me much this past month, have known I've been a little stressed about a recurrence.

My CA 125 was up last month (just a point or two), but I do have a couple of friends who have had some signs of recurrences... or not .... and I've just been a little on edge.  I have a lump a squishy jello like lump in my stomach that has also been worrying me.  And last month I had an allergic reaction to chemo.  Oh, and I've been gaining weight.

Monday:  Allergic reaction again.. Benedryl pre-drip didn't seem to stop it.  After chemo my face puffed up, eyes went vampire red, felt like someone was sitting on my chest and I was a little raspy.  Seriously looked like the kids in my high school who would get stoned at lunch and come back in the hall.  And I wanted to barf.  Jenn was with me and it only lasted about an hour -- and even after about 5 minutes it started to decrease.  But ick!  I hate that feeling.

Monday after chemo:  Dr. Z appt.  Love, love, love that woman!  She said the stomach lump is a muscle issue post surgery and in a few years in I want to operate to get rid of it they could.  She was very cute and kept talking about how she thinks I have a long life ahead of me.  She also thinks some of the issues I am having with some pains in my stomach are just post surgery, scar tissue type things.  And as long as my CA 125 wasn't up I am ok and don't need a CT scan.

And today... CA 125 is 9!!!!  It has bounced from 7-11 since last August so I am good.

Thanks for the prayers and the listening ears.  

My stomach is still ugly this morning and I hate this weight gain garbage that menopause seems to bring on, but life is good!!!

My thoughts on the Atonement and Cancer -- thanks to Sister Russell

My darling niece Sister Kerri Russell -- who makes everyone want to be a better person -- emailed me and asked me to give her my thoughts from the past year about the atonement.  Here is part of my letter back to her.  Just want my future Grandkids to know how I feel and the blessings I have recognized.

"Ok... so I've been thinking more about your questions.  I gave a YW lesson a few months ago about the Atonement.  It was the Sunday after one of my breast cancer friends died.  She is my age and our kids range in the same age so it kind of "rocked my world" to be at her funeral and see her family.

But my favorite part of the lesson was a talk from Linda K Burton.  https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/general-relief-society-meeting/2012/09/is-faith-in-the-atonement-of-jesus-christ-written-in-our-hearts?lang=eng

Principle 1: “All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”⁵

Principle 1 just struck me regarding the Atonement and how it can help me.  I really am at peace with what may or may not happen with my cancer.  I trust Heavenly Father's timing and know this life is just a blip in my map of eternal life.  But, it will be really crappy for my kids if I don't beat this thing.  How can not having a mom be better than having a mom?  When I study the concept of Principle 1 I know that the atonement can compensate for this.    It can heal a situation like Elizabeth Smart.  It can help my friend's kids who just lost their mom.  It can help a woman whose husband has treated her poorly.  It doesn't change the outcome here and now, but it can heal hearts and compensate so that it is all fair.  I know that through the Atonement everything will be as it should be.

Principle 2:  This is what I usually think about with the atonement -- sins, imperfection, weaknesses.   I won't go into that now. 

Principle 2: There is power in the Atonement to enable us to overcome the natural man or woman and become true disciples of Jesus Christ.⁹

Principle 3:  I have felt an overwhelming love during this past year.  Interesting enough, it hasn't been a direct spirit from Heavenly Father, but it was been through the complete and total "gobs" of love and service I felt from you, our family, my neighbors, strangers, Drs, nurses and everyone who has done big and simple things for me.  I have a story (I'll send you later) that happened this week that illustrates this perfectly.  When all of these things have happened  I have felt it is just the Savior reaching out to me through others.  Just as He would want them to.  

Also, when I have been in the temple (when I was really sick) the spirit was so strong I could hardly breath.  I almost didn't like being there.  I told Dave one day in the Celestial room either I was going to die so I was really close to the veil, or Heavenly Father was pouring His spirit out on me to help compensate for what I was going through and to give me strength.  Since I am still here I guess it is the latter.  As I said, it was even hard for me to breath sometimes.  I can't image what being directly in Heavenly Father and our Savior's presence will be like if that is just a glimpse of how it felt.  So much love that just engulfed me.  So much of a feeling of nothing else matters.  It is funny, because now I am feeling better I don't get that.  I was at the temple yesterday and definitely felt the spirit, but in a different way. 

Principle 3: The Atonement is the greatest evidence we have of the Father’s love for His children.

So... that is my thoughts for this week.  I have one more to share.  I'll send it next week cause this one is so long."

Love you!  Steph