For a Minute I Actually Felt...

.... that I could actually live long enough to see Cameron graduate from high school, Lauren and Kenzi to get married and possibly go on a mission with Dave someday.

It didn't last for long -- but at least I had that glimmer of hope.  Don't get me wrong -- I don't think I'm going to die next week.  I don't even think I'll die next year.  And I'm not depressed and worried about dying all of the time.

Since I've been diagnosed I've never felt like I was going to die from this, but I've never felt like I was going to beat it.  I've just been neutral.  Honestly never had an inclination one way or another.

But last week I had another CA 125... can't believe it has already been 6 weeks.   A few days before my appointment I just found out one of my survivor friends isn't doing very well.  She is having another recurrence and her tumors appear to be chemo resistant.  She's not much older than me.

Generally I have to call the Dr office a day or two after to get my blood test so I was expecting to know maybe Thursday or Friday.  On Wednesday morning the phone rang and it was Kristen... one of the PAs that I love.   My heart just dropped when she told me who it was.  In the last 1 1/2 years they've never called me with the result and usually it is an assistant that calls me back after I call them for the numbers.

She said your numbers look good and your CA 125 is .... 3 seconds before she could get it out.  3 seconds that felt like 10 hours.  3 seconds of a racing heart.  3 seconds of thinking oh shoot how am I going to tell the kids.

But then she said your CA 125 is 8.  8!  8!!!!  That is what it was 2 months ago.  That is a great number!  That is a fabulous number.

I started breathing again.  I told her that was the longest 3-5 seconds of my life.

When I hung up the phone for about 10 minutes I felt invincible.  As my darling niece Mattie would sing "your gonna hear me roar!"   The idea of me beating this felt real!!

Then for the next day I felt normal.  I felt like a mom.  Not a mom that has cancer,  but a mom.

Unfortunately this freedom was pretty short lived.  The next night I got a phone call from my sweet friend Rose's daughter.  As soon as she said her name I knew why she was calling.  Rose passed away.  I knew her cancer was back, but I had just talked to her about 1 week earlier.  She was heading home in her car (hands free talking of course.. she always clarified that) and was feeling good.  She told me she trusted in the Lord and if it was her time to go she was ok with that.  She also said I was in a different situation and that I needed to make sure I lived to raise my kids.

She went in the hospital on Sunday and died on Thursday.  Her kids were going to pick her up to arrange hospice and possibly move her to California with them, but she never made it out of the hospital.

She and I were diagnosed around the same time.  We went through chemo together.  She was a wise, caring voice of reason and faith last fall when I most needed my faith strengthened.

Dave and I went to her viewing last night and it was harder than I thought -- not because of sadness for her.  She was 77 and very ready to go and completely content with her life.  But it reminded me I'm not invincible.  That this rotten disease takes people.  Quickly sometimes.  That my CA 125 could be 8 today and 80 in a few months.

Today I guess I'm back to an in between state.  I went to the temple with Lisa this morning and had one of those "overwhelming out pouring of the spirit" experiences.  One that made it hard to breath.  One that reminded me I'm loved.  The He is aware of me.  That my outcome -- whatever that may be -- long, short or in between is exactly what it is supposed to be!