Clinical Trial #2 -- Not Sure How I Feel

Had clinical trial #2 Tuesday -- and I'm not sure what to think or how I feel right now.  Left there feeling good and bad.

The Bad:  The past 4 weeks had been manageable -- pretty much everything that I expected until the last week.  It appears that my neuropathy has moved to Stage 2.  My feet have been numb and Sunday started swelling to the point of constant irritation -- awake or asleep.  Monday night I could hardly see my ankles.  It started to affect my fingers... but fortunately at least this morning (and all night long ... yes just love the steroids I have to take before the chemo that keep me up for two days) the fingers seem back to normal.

My Dr. asked me if I wanted to continue on the trial based on how I felt last month.  Answer, a hesitant yes.

My body just seems to be very sensitive to medication -- no surprise there.  She cut the chemo dosage down I think about 30%.  Apparently I can reduce the dosage 2x without having to leave the trial.  

Problem is I want to stay in remission and be alive, but I kind of need to be able to walk and exercise and use my hands and fingers when this is all over.

It is hard knowing I am currently NED and not sure whether this drug will do anything or not.  So is it really worth how I have felt for the last month -- particularly is any of the nerve damage becomes permanent?

I just pray that even though in both kinds of chemo they've had to reduce dosages, it is strong enough to get rid of any remaining traces of cancer. Faith, faith, faith Stephanie.

Can I just say how much I HATE CANCER and ALL OF THE ROTTEN SIDE AFFECTS.

The Good:  On a more positive note, other than crying a few times, I had a great time at chemo.  My super, awesome friend Sue drove up from Lehi and joined me for the morning.  I had planned to just take myself, but Monday  just could feel this was going to be an emotional day and need someone to be there with me. 

We laughed, we talked, she held up my feet and put ice on them (some ideas from other cancer friends) and then she took me to lunch together.  (This is the same wonderful friend that stayed up with me all night when we were Sophomores at BYU when I was super sick and we were waiting for my mom to come down.)  We just may have to make this our monthly ritual for the next year!

Sue holding my feet in the air and with the ice bag ... willing to try anything to get rid of this nueropathy.  And how many people in this world would hold my feet up in the air while I'm getting chemo... thanks Sue!!!!

Me and Sue ... one good part of chemo is my great friend and family that have taken me and  entertain me and take care of me and cry with me and make this whole rotten thing not so rotten.