What I Want for My Birthday ... Cam's Conversations Break my Heart

Some excerpts from morning conversation with Cameron at breakfast.

"Mom -- do you know what I want for my birthday this year -- just this year?  I want Heavenly Father to get rid of all of the cancer in your body.  Just go zap and have it all gone and never come back again."

Eating cereal ... "Mom how many cancer cells are left in your body?  As many as are in this box of cereal?  As many as in my bowl of cereal?  I hope as many pieces of cereal as are left on my spoon!"  (Which was none.)

I hope that he just talks about it with me and doesn't obsess about it all day at school.  His teacher says he seems to be doing great at school so I'm hoping that it is just with me worries.  When my girls turned 8 we were able to make such a big deal of their baptisms and 8th birthday party and all of the celebrations around it.  With Cam we've had to schedule the baptism 2x and are now just going to need to find a week I feel good and pick a day and get him baptized.   Like every mom, I want to make important events such as this special and important...I kind of feel like I'm shafting him.

I know he is learning compassion and faith and caring (he is always wiling to rub my feet at night and is constantly trying to make sure I am happy) and I know these lessons will stay with him much longer than a big b day celebration.

I just pray my sweet little guy doesn't spend too much of his time worrying about me and this rotten cancer.

Just a Few Random Pictures

My wacky Lolo

Mrs. L Jumping out of cake on 100th Day

Ben, Kenzi and Cam Sledding

Sledding -- one of the last days before surgery

My cute walls to help me feel better. 

More we love mom walls.

FHE the night before surgery.

FHE

Morning before surgery

Post surgery

His mom doesn't know boys can't get obarian cancer!

This cancer thing is confusing for everyone, but as I listen to Cameron try to make sense of it I think logically it is the toughest on him. Just last night kind out of the blue he said "mom I hate cancer!"

Today he came home from school and explained why he needed to play at his friend's house and not here.

"His Mom doesn't know that boys can't get obarian cancer so she says we have to play at his house."

Rejected!

Not surprisingly I was rejected at chemo today due to the incision infection. My white blood count was good and my body seems to be fighting the infection so my Dr. doesnt want to mess with the healing. She said it is better to take 1-2 weeks off and let my body heal than to start the chemo, kill my white blood cells and still be dealing with this in a month or two.

Part of me is relieved, I can't imagine my IP chemo with this little hole still annoying me, and yet I'm really disappointed that I can't stay on schedule. I had everything all mapped out through July. You'd think I'd learn from the past that I shouldn't try to schedule things i can't control. Also, I just want this entire thing to be over!

Fortunately waiting won't nullify my last treatment ... She said the chemo stays in your body for about 3 months so it is still working and doing its job.

Good news...they have a few new things they will be trying with my next cysplatin treatment and my Dr. thinks I should deal with it much better...not that it would take much to make it be better.

In the meantime, I will rest, eat and eat and eat and try not to worry. In the big scheme of things 1-2 weeks isn't going to make a difference.

Add Brookie to the list!

Just got an amazing email....a bald Brooke! She told me when my mom lost her hair that I asked her if she would shave her head for me if I ever had chemo. I would never hold her to it and yet she has been telling me she wanted to do it.

I can't wait to see her at Easter dinner tonight so we can compare heads.

All of these confident people around me inspired me! I have to admit I was a little nervous about going to sacrament meeting today. I am feeling good and figured it might be a while before I can go back. I put on my cute new blue hat, Lolo earrings and decided with so many people that love me I don't care what people think...and people will only think good things anyway!

Love you Brookie...aka mtp!

And Tara too!!!!

Ok...I just opened my email and found a new bald picture. My cute niece Tara shaved her head today. All i can say is WOW! She looks really beautiful and I can't believe she did it. She even went to the store after to buy hats and went bald. She has much more confidence than I do.

She did say that people wouldn't look her in the eyes and kind of avoided her even though she had her darling 1 year old with her.

I've been feeling a bit sorry for myself today with the infection, but how can I feel sorry for long with people like this.

Tara you made me cry and Adam and Tara and Cam you have all brightened my day!

See the whole story and fabulous pictures at tagamartin.blogspot.com

And Adam is Bald Too!

I woke up to a funny, great email this morning -- Adam shaved his head in honor of my newly bald head.  Now Cam and Adam and I are little triplets.

Funny thing, our heads are pretty similar shaped -- and he and I look quite a bit alike when we are bald.   (Although Dave assures me I'm prettier... sorry Adam).

Tara and Brooke have offered to shave their heads too -- but I told them not too.  I appreciate the thought...it makes me feel loved!

I Did It... I am Bald

I am an official bald cancer patient! And I must say, i think I have a pretty good shaped head. Cam (who shaved his head too) and I are rubbing each others bald heads right now....wow this is weird.

It wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated though, mostly because I was so grossed out yesterday by the hair coming out. When I woke up yesterday I had a big wad of hair on my pillow. Every chair I sat on was covered with hair and my clothes were covered as well. Strangely enough my scalp hurt too. It was almost as if the weight of my hair was too much and the follicles were irritated.

So Bethany came up with the scissors and let the girls cut it. It was quite the cut.

I had planned to just leave it short short for a few days but even short if I grabbed hair a whole bunch would come out. Bethany got the razor out and started buzzing. At first I got a little teary, but honestly it felt good to have it off and Dave and alex assured me my head shape was good. (I didn't do it in front of a mirror... I couldn't watch.)

The kids had been outside and one by one came in to look. Their first response was that of "horrified" but then after they each looked, laughed and said I didn't look too bad. When Cam came in he asked Bethany to shave his too... Now I have a bald partner.

Kenzie brought me all my hats and I tried everything on...some good, some bad. I do have a few that actually look pretty cute and with make up I think I could go out it them.

I'm not ready to post pictures and not ready to go out in my new head, but it feels so much better than yesterday. All morning I've been finding wads of hair from yesterday and it reassures me I did the right thing last night. I had to sleep in a hat because it felt weird and this morning I'm going from being too hot to too cold, but one more thing I can check off the list.

Infection....really?

Yesterday my stomach starting hurting, but it was a new pain I hadn't had before. When I went to bed my incision was looking red and by this morning I had a definite infection. The longer the morning went the more it hurt and worse looking nasty. I won't go into all of the icky details but by the time I got in touch with my surgeon's office the infection had finally eaten through the skin and my tummy was oozing. The doc called it exudate sp?

I ended up with an infection pocket under my skin that fortunately was between the layer of fat and abdominal wall so it hadn't gone too far. Mmmmmm....foreign objects, hydrogen peroxide and 3 docs/nurses later it was cleaned out, packed with gauze and I was ready to go with my antibiotic. I was able to do it without a numbing shot, but was there was lots of sweating, clenched hands and strange words coming out of me. Home health is coming in for the next few days to change it but then Dave is going to have to start doing it. They said normally it would be about 5 days to heal, but with chemo it could be more likely doubled.

Not sure I'm up for this new little hitch, but I guess i don't have any other options. The only thing I have to say is really, really really? Dave may be trying to talk lisa into coming to change the gauze... We will see how brave we are. Just hoping it doesn't mess up with chemo schedule!

We really are good parents....I promise

Ok...so being a good parent is always tough, but I won't be getting any awards for mom of the year this year! I'm good at playing card games with the kids and signing forms they bring to me and being here when they get home from school and reading scriptures with them at night.

Other than that they aren't getting a lot of parenting from me right now.

Example...about 2 weeks ago I looked down at cams foot and his toe is infected and a gross mess. He swears he doesn't know what he did of when it started and says it doesn't hurt. We had him start soaking it every night but has only gotten worse.

I took him to a podiatrist yesterday and it turns out he somehow injured it in the last few months. "How did he hurt it. When did it start. How much pain?". Ummmmm....no idea to the answer to every question.

The Dr. was super nice but I felt so stupid. I finally just told him the situation and said as long as my kids were dressed and going to school they have been kind of on their own.

Brave Cameron after some shots and numbing had the nail removed, the infection cleaned out and was on his way! Yeah for a nice Dr. and a super brave son. I promise I'll be a better mom after August.

It's Not Quite San Diego -- But I Love the New View and Haven't Laughed so Hard in Years!!!

POCD (pre Ovarian Cancer Diagnosis) we had planned a trip to San Diego for Spring Break.  Dave had a conference he was supposed to go to and the kids and I were going to hang out on the beach for a few days and  enjoy the sun while he worked, then we'd all go up to Ray and Cathy's for a couple of days.

Unfortunately for all of us, many plans during the last few months have changed and we are not in San Diego.

But...2nd best I felt good enough for us to go to the cabin!!!  My two favorite times of the year here are New Year's and Conference so I was so glad to be able to get out of the house and come.  A different view, a different bed, a different couch and the calmness of Midway.  And conference was fabulous yesterday!

And there is nothing like girls' time -- anything with Kerri Russell right now.  While the boys went to conference we sat around and heard Kerri stories.  Any story is funny she tells just by how she tells it, but the stories themselves were priceless!  Followed by mass hysteria and Lorie getting stung by a wasp... my stomach hurt so bad from laughing.

Things only got worse when after conference and everyone went out to dinner (yeah for take out for me) they came home and played the ipod game.  It is loud, it is funny and I was in serious, serious pain laughing.  My abdominal area already feels likes it is burned inside and watching these guys just put me over the edge.

Unfortunately we are having to cut the trip short because the hot water heater is broken and we can only be smelly for a few nights.

But yeah for getting away, yeah for the cabin, yeah for relatives to entertain me and my kids and yeah for conference.

On Losing Hair...

So I've experienced some tough milestones in the past two months. A surprise diagnosis of ovarian cancer, sharing the news with family and friends, having major surgery, recovering slowly from major surgery, and experiencing 3 different types of chemo with varying success.


So why should something like losing my hair feel like such a big thing? We all have vanity no matter how much we'd like to say we don't...but I am trying to decide if it is vanity or losing my hair is the "real outward" sign of cancer.


My kids have had to endure all of these milestones with me and I think the "bald cancer" mom is "the real thing."  Until the last few weeks I think Cam was still confused on surgery, cancer, chemo, baldness and everything -- he didn't think I'd lose my hair since I had surgery and they got rid of all my cancer. 


I shaved my legs last Saturday and the hair isn't growing back. I can feel little changes in my scalp in front.  I have lots of hats ready to go -- based on how I have been feeling and how much time my bloated tummy spends laying on my back, wigs just don't sound like a good option for me right now.


I wish I could say I'll easily laugh it off -- but I'm not sure I will.  I talked to someone who had Ovarian cancer and finished up with chemo last fall and she said it was much more traumatic than she had planned, but then it was kind of "freeing."  All of the big stuff was over.  At least in the 6 month treatment there were no unknowns to wonder about.


So in trying to look on the bright side -- 5 reasons I'm ok with losing my hair.
1.  I won't have to shave.  Lauren and Kenzi are both very jealous.
2.  The shower won't be clogged with my hair.  Cameron and Dave will be very happy about that.
3.  I will save on shampoo.
4.  I don't have to comb, blow dry, style or worry if I'm having a bad hair day.
5.  I'll get to find if it I have a nice shaped scalp or not.

Chemo 3 ... I'm Alive and Well!

What a difference a week makes.  I'm alert, I'm not throwing up, I'm drinking, I'm eating (I even enjoyed my 10pm and 3am bowl of Life Cereal).


My Chemo 2 IP Cysplatin did not go well... to say the least.  I got nauseated and every other rotten stomach thing that comes with that, got dehydrated and by the time I got back to the Dr. on Monday had lost another 5 pounds, low on iron, low on potassium, 127 pulse and quite a mess.  I honestly only have a few fuzzy memories of Tuesday night through Friday and they were mostly of being up all night not being able to sleep.


The IP Taxol Chemo 3 was rough -- but with nice nurses and Dr. and sister I got through it.  By the time I left I actually felt better than when I got there that morning.


Things I've learned:
1.  I apparently have an extremely sensitive stomach.  My nurse said my reaction to #2 was pretty extreme.  Most people don't get that sick and have more stomach pain -- not nausea.  They are testing to make sure I didn't pick up a virus at the hospital or something, but they are thinking I just am very sensitive.


2.  To stay on top of nausea I have to take meds every 3 hours -- whether or not I think I need them.  This week I get up at midnight and 3 or 4 am and then at 7 am to take medication.  There is no way I'm going back to what I was like last week.


3. Dehydration is bad... very, very bad.  In hindsight I should have gone in this weekend and to get IV hydration.


4.  Stomach pain is better than nausea.  I had been told that with the IP chemos there was quite a bit of stomach pain.  I don't remember any pain at all last time... just nausea.  I can feel the pain a little this week and honestly it is a welcome relief.


5.  Sleep is good.  I've been able to sleep for the last few nights -- wow -- that is so great.


6.  Hymns are great.  I'm not the best at memorizing scriptures, but words and tunes to hymns and primary songs come to my mind.  I've had lots of pretty songs running through my head. 


I'm totally ok for my next IV Taxol but am scared to death for the next IV Cysplatin.  But I can't imagine it could be any worse.  And I have had 2 chemos that were not bad so I'm grateful for that.

Chemo 3 ....how did I not know it was IP

Here at chemo...good news...healthy enough to get it.
Bad news...healthy enough to get it.

Low iron, losing too much weight, a little dehydrated...Other than that healthy as a horse (and I feel like one with all this fluid.)

It is a taxol day, but I didn't realize it was IP. The assure me that taxol venous or IP is not as bad as cycplatin ....here is to hoping the are right.

I think I Might Live... Barely and other Happenings

It has been 6 days since my 1st IP chemo -- an let's just say it is as bad as I had expected and probably worse.  I completely lost a day (thought it was Wednesday and it was Thursday).  I can't explain the fatigue, nausea, ache, bloating and hazy fuzz I was in because of the meds.  Fortunately I was able to sleep a lot.  I was able to take a short walk Friday and Saturday. Poor Dave, let' leave it at that.


I actually got up this morning and ate a piece of toast.  


All I can say is it is a good thing I have a 3 week break -- if I had to do it again this week I couldn't do it.  


On some happy notes -- Kenzi's class play was very cute and she got all 3s on her report card.  Lauren and her friends saw the midnight "Hunger Games" (I was too sick to even feel jealous).  Spencers had 2 extra tickets for the General YW  Broadcast Saturday night and they got to be 2nd row center -- right in front of the podium.... they loved that and got to be right in front of the prophet.


Cam got a pinewood derby car...oh my he is 8 next months and starts scouts!


I'm grateful that I somehow made it and I sincerely pray I can do 4 more...I don't know if they get worse or better but I have a hard time picturing anything worse. 

• Thanks for everyone's concerns!