Trying to live life without worry of cancer.

Overall (once I got over my freaking out/depression after finishing chemo) I think that I've done pretty well emotionally.  

But I have to admit it is hard, very hard to not worry.  I always go back to the saying "With cancer time is like a present that is spoiled with the uncertainty of the future." 

I'm so grateful to feel good, to be living life mostly normal again and to be just about to hit my 2 year mark since diagnosis.  My biggest challenge is not worrying about the future.

For the past two months I've had some hip and bone pain and it has been getting a little worse. Unfortunately one of my mom's recurrences started that way.  So of course my mind immediately went there.  And then I hear about 2 ladies who had recurrences that were caught with hip pain.  So I've been trying not to worry.  But the longer it goes on the more I worry.

And in the meantime found out another friend is not doing to great.  They've started her on a new chemo that is intended to help maintain "quality of life.'' No words about getting her in remission.

I saw the PA for my regular check-up last week and she said although it was likely not cancer related I could do a scan if I wanted.  I don't want to panic and run to scans for every pain, but I couldn't shake the worry. So I moved up my blood test and had it yesterday.

And the news.... 7!  7!  7!  In October it was 8!

So although they can never 100% rule out a recurrence, it is likely not related at all!

Tears..... relief.....

I just wish I could just not worry.

On a side note that ties into this I was at a viewing on Monday night.  A sweet person came up to me and said "I saw you the other day and got in my prayer and said a silent prayer.  I am so grateful you are doing so well.  It could have been you we were here for tonight."

I get her comment was not meant as anything but a faithful comment.  But given the fact I was worried about it anyway it took all I could do not to cry.  

So for now I am grateful for a low CA 125. And am going to try so hard not to worry!  But that knowledge that it could be around the corner does help me appreciate life.  I'm going to try to keep so busy living and loving life that the fear can't creep in... and if it does it will only lead to gratitude!!!