Three years ago today I sat in the ultrasound room and could tell by the look on the technicians face my life was changed forever.
Three years ago today I heard the dreaded words "you have Ovarian cancer and it looks like it is very serioius."
Three years ago today I had to come home and we had to talk to the kids about something no parent ever wants to talk about.
Three years ago I was scared to death -- afraid to leave my kids without a mom, afraid of what might lie ahead.
Three years ago my life was turned upside down. I never imagined the physical pain I would go through, the emotional sadness/depression/uncertainty/anxiety I would feel, the complete loss of anything normal and "my life" as I had lived it would come to a complete stop.
Three years ago I wondered if I would be around in three months ... suddenly living to be 50 or seeing Lauren graduate from High School or Cameron get the Priesthood seemed so unlikely.
But three years ago I had no idea how strong my kids and Dave would be. How much love and support I would feel from my family and friends. How much service in time and food and rides and love and prayers and thoughts and acts of kindness would be given. How I would feel closer to my Heavenly Father than I had ever felt before. That the temple, prayers, blessings, scriptures would literally be a lifesaver to me.
I would find a group of friends that were full of diversity but that nasty little word "cancer" would bring us all together and give me the emotional support to keep me going. I'd be presenting to doctors and students and nurses and students and being an advocate for this stuff.
That I could overcome surgery and infections and holes in my stomach and chemo and barfing and gaining and losing weight over and over again. And yet somehow have the energy and health to ski and walk and work out at 6am and chase my kids all over the place and volunteer and be YW President and live a frantic and crazy life again!
Three years ago I had no idea how tough I was. I've changed. Forever. Some things for good, some things not so good. Wish I would have kept all of the good things I learned and not gone back to so many of the things I shouldn't have.
But I'm grateful to be alive. I'm grateful for healing bodies and doctors and nurses and procedures and tests that work. I'm grateful for cancer friends -- who are still here and for those that aren't -- that have given me encouragement and perspective and made me feel not alone. I'm grateful for a husband and kids and family and friends that love me despite me being me.
I try not to project too far out. I'm afraid if I do the sting and slap of a cancer recurrence would be too much to bear. I try not to let this always be lingering in the very back of my mind. But after talking to a friend who is 8 years out from cancer I don't know that I ever will be able to do that. Not with my personality.
So three years later I'm just taking a deep breath, trying to reflect on the good and enjoy this beautiful Sunday morning and look forward to what the next three years will bring.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Saturday, November 8, 2014
"Miracle"
Yesterday I had a very sweet experience with Kenzi and one of my friends Debbie. Debbie is a fellow Ovarian Cancer friend who participates in the Survivor's Teaching Students program.
She was diagnosed Stage IV and has never been in remission. She has a little boy (currently 5) and it is so hard to watch the situation. As it looks now unless there is a miracle she will not make it.
Somehow she stays positive and faithful. She isn't LDS, but is very Christian. I asked her once how her husband was feeling about things (that it wasn't looking great for long-term survival.) He told her "Debbie if you die you'll be in the arms of Jesus and that is all we are striving for. How can David and I be sad if you are in the arms of Jesus?"
Kenzi has come to the hospital with me before to visit her and she and I stopped by on the way to choir yesterday. She isn't looking great. Hoping to go home tomorrow on pain meds and then take a trip to Florida paid for by a foundation who does trips for terminal cancer patients.
Before we left she asked Kenzi to sing her a song. (She had a couple of friends in visiting too.)
Sweet Kenzi said she'd love to (even though I know she hates singing in front of small groups.)
She chose a song called "Miracles" about the Miracles of the Savior. Debbie just laid there with her eyes closed and Kenzi sounded like an angel singing. Kenz pretended she didn't know the words so she could look down at her iphone -- she said she couldn't look at Debbie or it would make her cry. It was such an angelic and peaceful moment.
After she finished another friend walked in so she asked her to sing it again. After she sang it I told them we were praying for them so she asked her to say a prayer. Which she sweetly did. She didn't know what to say but did a great job. Sweet, angelic Kenzi! Not many 15 year old girls could have done what she did.
They asked her if she would come and sing at an event they are planning -- Coronation Celebration. Not sure what that is but she'd be happy to do it.
I love her angelic singing voice and am grateful for moments like this.
(We did laugh when we got in the car because we were late for a voice lesson but thought that would have been very hypocritical to say she can't stay and share her beautiful talent because she needs to go to a voice lesson to master that beautiful talent!)
She was diagnosed Stage IV and has never been in remission. She has a little boy (currently 5) and it is so hard to watch the situation. As it looks now unless there is a miracle she will not make it.
Somehow she stays positive and faithful. She isn't LDS, but is very Christian. I asked her once how her husband was feeling about things (that it wasn't looking great for long-term survival.) He told her "Debbie if you die you'll be in the arms of Jesus and that is all we are striving for. How can David and I be sad if you are in the arms of Jesus?"
Kenzi has come to the hospital with me before to visit her and she and I stopped by on the way to choir yesterday. She isn't looking great. Hoping to go home tomorrow on pain meds and then take a trip to Florida paid for by a foundation who does trips for terminal cancer patients.
Before we left she asked Kenzi to sing her a song. (She had a couple of friends in visiting too.)
Sweet Kenzi said she'd love to (even though I know she hates singing in front of small groups.)
She chose a song called "Miracles" about the Miracles of the Savior. Debbie just laid there with her eyes closed and Kenzi sounded like an angel singing. Kenz pretended she didn't know the words so she could look down at her iphone -- she said she couldn't look at Debbie or it would make her cry. It was such an angelic and peaceful moment.
After she finished another friend walked in so she asked her to sing it again. After she sang it I told them we were praying for them so she asked her to say a prayer. Which she sweetly did. She didn't know what to say but did a great job. Sweet, angelic Kenzi! Not many 15 year old girls could have done what she did.
They asked her if she would come and sing at an event they are planning -- Coronation Celebration. Not sure what that is but she'd be happy to do it.
I love her angelic singing voice and am grateful for moments like this.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
New York... New York!!!!
After 8 months of planning, practicing, ups and downs, tiring practices, canceling everything ... Kenzi and I finally spent 8 days in New York with her Choir on America's Got Talent. At some point I need to detail everything... stage school, getting Work Permits, Trust Funds, the contracts and everything that went into getting 100 kids + their chaperone to New York. It was exciting and tiring and an amazing experience!!!!!
January - August: rehearsals, meetings, planning, LA audition
Wednedsday: 5:00 am Channel 5 TV Spots on the Choir
Thursday: Flight to New York, Phantom and dinner. Center Mezaminen tickets -- AMAZING!!!
Friday: 9-11 and Little Italy with other moms, meeting the cool 6th generation deli guy and Danny Maroni and the canoli, 9-11 memorial amazing/heartbreaking/beautiful, Brooklyn Bridge with Tatum and McKenzie (our roommates), pizza, pastries, food, food, food. Watching a couple get engaged.
Saturday: Greenwich Village food tour -- yummiest thing ever with other moms! Central park bike rental with Kenzi. Street Fair.
Sunday: Church -- tripling the size of every meeting, Central Park, singing on the subway, singing on ferry to Statue of Liberty.
Monday: Rehearsal, BBQ Dinner with 150 choir, singing in Times Square
Tuesday: Rehearsal, Live Shows, Fittings, Excitement!!!!
Wednesday: FAO Schwartz, Apple Store, Central Park, Baptisms at Manhatten Temple "going poolside."
Results shows, tears, relief, shopping, last minute food carts.
Loved the Halal Guys, Juice Smoothie Truck, Noise, Subway, Crowds, Shopping, Deli's... loved everything.
But glad to be home!
January - August: rehearsals, meetings, planning, LA audition
Wednedsday: 5:00 am Channel 5 TV Spots on the Choir
Thursday: Flight to New York, Phantom and dinner. Center Mezaminen tickets -- AMAZING!!!
Friday: 9-11 and Little Italy with other moms, meeting the cool 6th generation deli guy and Danny Maroni and the canoli, 9-11 memorial amazing/heartbreaking/beautiful, Brooklyn Bridge with Tatum and McKenzie (our roommates), pizza, pastries, food, food, food. Watching a couple get engaged.
Saturday: Greenwich Village food tour -- yummiest thing ever with other moms! Central park bike rental with Kenzi. Street Fair.
Sunday: Church -- tripling the size of every meeting, Central Park, singing on the subway, singing on ferry to Statue of Liberty.
Monday: Rehearsal, BBQ Dinner with 150 choir, singing in Times Square
Tuesday: Rehearsal, Live Shows, Fittings, Excitement!!!!
Wednesday: FAO Schwartz, Apple Store, Central Park, Baptisms at Manhatten Temple "going poolside."
Results shows, tears, relief, shopping, last minute food carts.
Loved the Halal Guys, Juice Smoothie Truck, Noise, Subway, Crowds, Shopping, Deli's... loved everything.
But glad to be home!
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