Lobster Fest -- Love you Walls!

Got back Sunday night of Labor Day weekend for a very last minute (had to wait and see how my numbers were from my Dr.) trip to visit Scott and his family in Washington and join them in their annual Labor Day Lobster Fest.  

Just the girls and Grandpa (Dave and Cam went to the cabin for a father/sons/cousin weekend).  Not sure what we enjoyed the most...

• Mt. St. Helens with Mandy and playing Tallyhoe
• "Helping" Scott mow his lawn with his tractor and watching him chase after dad who was driving too fast and too sloppy.
• Riding Jordan and Josh's little motorcycle.
• Helping get everything ready for the big party -- balloons, picking up 50 crabs and 50 lobsters (including dad's 4 1/2 pound one), making sushi (yes Kenzi and I are pros now).
• Eating, eating, eating lobster, crab, salmon, shrimp, sushi, prawns and lots of other yummy salads and treats with the 90 other people enjoying a gorgeous seafood filled day.
• Laughing around the post party fire.
• Swinging, hiking, soccer...
• Singing and getting a bit grossed out by "Midnight Special" videos -- especially with Rod Stewart and Blondie.
• Seeing the Columbia River and taking a tour of Kalama hot spots -- Twilight High School filming.
• Basketball and Elimination... wow I am out of shape.
• Just hanging out with some of my favorite people in the world!!!!

Love Janice's martial arts guys. 

Josh taking care of us in the great jeep.

High School where Twilight was filmed ... that's for you Misty.

Salmon fishing contest on the Columbia River -- tons of people catching huge salmon.

Relaxing fire after a crazy day.

Grandpas 4 1/2 pound lobster.

Mt. St. Helens

How do I go back to Living? I guess this is where faith really comes in.

Physically I feel great!!  Emotionally, not so good.

After 7 months of Dr. appointments, and pain, and nausea, and sickness, and frustration, and infections and miracles and blessings -- I made it through.

Now I just wait.  Wait to see if my CA 125 goes up again next month, wait and see if anything shows up on a CT Scan, wait and see if my Dr. finds anything weird lumps in my stomach.

Problem is -- I don't want to live every moment worrying about cancer.  I think that is worse than the cancer itself.

I feel like right now the cancer has taken away my life -- not physically -- but emotionally.

When I busy with the kids (thankfully soccer, choir and football are all in full swing) and family (I appreciate you listening to my endless tear filled fears) and friends (who are so good to me) I am ok.

But if I let my mind wander for even a moment it becomes filled with fear.  Fear of a recurrence, fear of my kids having to be told my cancer is back, fear that I might not see my kids get married or graduate from High School or become a Deacon.   My Dr. tells me this is so common but I don't want to live this way.

I was in Deseret Book last week and saw a book about documenting your life for your children and I lost it.  I had tears dripping down my face and had to leave the store and sit in the car... thanks to a loving friend who let me call her and cry and told me it would be ok.

I read a ladies blog last night who said she finally learned to live after Ovarian when she finally decided to live by this creed "Today I don't have cancer so I will enjoy today."  She knows it could come back tomorrow, but doesn't dwell on that any longer.

Another blog I read with a 5 time 20-something year old cancer patient who wrote "I don't always have cancer," 5timecancerpatient wrote, "but when I do, I roundhouse kick it in the face."

I need to get that fiesty attitude and I need to just "let it go."  

And I need to have faith.  I know Heavenly Father will take care of me -- I just want His idea of taking care of me to be the same as my idea.  

Now is the time I need to remember all of the beautiful scriptures I have read, to remember all of the YW lessons I've taught over the years, to remember the blessings of the temple, to remember times in the past when I felt despair or fear or sadness and Heavenly Father let me know He was there and watching over me.  

Who would of thought that living without my cancer, would be harder than living with my cancer?!